Liveblogging "As the World Turns": They're baaaaaaack...

Yes, much in the way that the deposed dead haunted little Carol-Ann's Zenith, the spectral visages of As the World Turns' barely-there gay teens will be returning to our television sets today after what seems like a lifetime of absence.

To catch us up: Luke is the blonde with the sassy new hairdo that only I seem to like and the worst parents in the history of child-rearing. Noah is the brunet with the dead hooker mom and the presumed-dead missing psycho father, who has been studying in Rome for the past several weeks.

And now, with Noah returning to Oakdale, the lovers are reunited once more, hence the sly nod to the classic ghost comedy Topper Returns in the above picture. What, you thought that was just a cheap sexual reference? Please - that would entail an actual physical relationship, and these boys aren't nearly that flesh-and-blood. The only topping in this relationship is the kind you get at Pinkberry. And no, that's not a euphemism, either.

To follow all the action as it happens, click on through the jump and refresh often!

"Luke, throw the tennis ball marked number three!!"

2:55PM EDT: MP2.0 and Dammit! have a little spat because she doesn't think he wants her there, but he convinces her he does and then demands, "now hand over the nuts".

Meanwhile, QAL and Lady D have a squabble on par with something out of The Women when Lady D suggests that QAL make herself scarce for Luke's benefit, and QAL replies, "Go to hell."

Me-yow! 

Lady D explains to Wheatables that Lily fell in love with Holden "when she saw all that hair" ... (?) and Wheatables cryptically says, "Well, you can't help who you fall in love with". Hmmm. 

How funny is it that Buckshot Dusty is hanging out in a place that sounds suspiciously like "Fire Island"? He tells the nebbish that as far as he's concerned he can put James's remains in a tin can and kick them down the beach. Classy!

Preview Time!: No Nuke, but they should be back on Friday. We'll be here! 

2:50PM EDT: Dammit! brings Matthew Perry 2.0 magazines and cards and realizes that it "might be hard to play with one hand". You'd be surprised. Meanwhile, Holden and QAL's arrival breaks up the foundation meeting, so Luke and Noah take off. Wow - they almost had a whole scene there!

Back at the Dewdrop Inn, Buckshot Dusty is sitting on the bed ... alone ... with his shirt unbuttoned just a little too far ... when a nebbish man comes in and asks him what he wants to be done with James's remains. Oop! 

John McCain attack ad. BARF. 

2:41PM EDT: Does Meg have a cold or something? I keep expecting her to pull a tissue out of her purple sleeve and blow her nose. Anyway, Quaker Oats Lady barges in on her and Holden and she runs off to see Ice Truck Killer in the loony bin. QAL offers Holden a free drink if he stops by Metro when he drives her home. Sure, sounds like a great idea! Heck, make it a double and give him some muscle relaxants while you're at it, then put him back behind the wheel.

Meanwhile, at Metro, Project GreenUp (being Luke, Noah, Lady D, Wheatables and ... Lily? Why is she there, again?) are meeting about their fundraising efforts when Holden shows up with Quaker Oats Lady. Luke tries to head them off at the pass but of course Lily's Hausfrau Hookersense kicks in and she zeroes in on them, and tells QAL that she told her to stay away from her husband. Catfight! 

2:32PM EDT: Allow me to take a moment while I'm trying to ignore the Beverly Hills Chihuahua ad (I thought I'd rather see Jamie Lee Curtis do anything other than try to sell me yogurt that helps me poop ... thanks for proving me wrong, honey) to ask: where the hell are Luke and Noah? Grrr....

2:29PM EDT: Quaker Oats Lady calls Dammit! to tell her that MP2.0 is in the hospital and she scrambles to get there. Meanwhile, Buckleroo Dusty is still getting the third degree from Holden, and Meg tells him that Ice Truck Killer shot him while trying to kill James. Holden tells him to keep his hairy face away from his wife. 

Is this Blonde Obstacle's Obstacle's last day? Lady Drumstick and Wheatables show up as he and Gilded Lily are saying goodbye but I'm distracted by his neckline and perfectly-plucked eyebrows. What's he going to be doing in Europe, anyway ... modeling for International Male? 

"All the boat docks in the world and I had to walk onto yours..." Bogie and Bergman are spinning in their graves. 

2:22PM EDT: I'll admit that I'm impressed that Tom Cruise invented the Hoveround, but boy has he let himself go since Lions for Lambs! Oh ... sorry ... wrong Tom Kruse. Tom, you look just great.

BlahblahQuakerOatsblahblahlovingyouislikebreathingblahblah. OH! Mascara freakout! Okay, that's hot.

2:17PM EDT: Speaking of Poltergeist (nice call, Wolfi!), Quaker Oats Lady gets all Tangina on MP2.0 with the whole "she can read his mind" shtick, which he's convinced means they're meant to be together. Someone please send a tree to eat one of them or something. 

2:14PM EDT: Luke says he missed Noah and Noah says that in Rome whenever he "saw something that blew him away" he wanted to turn to Luke and say, "Hey, why don't you do that?" Or something. Luke says that next time they'll have to go together.

Just then Wheatables calls Luke and summons him to Metro to hunt for mushrooms or something. But first the guys kiss again. Rawr! I forgot how much fun this could be. And I still like Luke's hair.

Meanwhile, Gilded Lily and the Blonde Obstacle's Obstacle are having a blah heart-to-heart, and Holden is getting all Shouty Shoutington on Dusty Adams until Meg intervenes. Over at the hospital, Matthew Perry 2.0 gives us a flash of skin when he changes out of his hospital gown, and he and Quaker Oats Lady have a tender moment. And Juicy Dammit! gives Diet Juno a little mother-daughter lecture on how to move past being a psycho stalker. Yeah, like that'll last.

2:06PM EDT: Meanwhile, over at the Dewdrop Inn, Meg is comforting a decidedly grizzly-looking Dusty, who has apparently been trapped in a COLT video shoot for the past 8 months. What do we think? Are we digging the Grizzly Adams look?

Oh - he just took his shirt off. Yeah, we're digging it, alright. Just as Dusty Adams says "the fewer people know about me, the better", Holden barges in. Oops!

2:03PM EDT: We start off with Luke surfing the Internet for porn working on a proposal for the foundation when he hears someone behind him that he thinks is his grandma. A hand reaches in and puts a model of Michaelangelo's David next to his laptop and he gives it a "oh!" that's quite cute. He turns and it's Noah, returned from Rome, who says that the real one wouldn't fit in his carry-on. That goes for both of you, from the looks of it! They embrace and kiss. 

Now THAT's how you start an episode!!