Liveblogging "As the World Turns": This Very Special Episode brought to you by your friends at OnStar

Yesterday's As the World Turns featured the most confusing auto accident in the history of television, and today we're back to see how gloriously ill-adept Oakdale's Alpha Gay Teen Couple are at dealing with the aftermath of an accident.

Not only should Noah not be allowed behind the wheel of a gas-guzzler if he can manage to "break the front axle" after swerving to avoid hitting thin air while driving so slowly that my Nana with her 2 Teflon hips could easily outrun him, but the fellas' crisis-management approach of taking a nap in the middle of the day instead of trying to find help is utterly mind-boggling.

And, for our purposes, pure effing genius.

Today our stalled couple (cough!) find their travels further complicated by a run-in with one of the many packs of wandering, feral fratboys that plague the woods surrounding Oakdale. Is it just me or is this whole thing turning into a fractured fairy tale from the OnStar company? What happens when the fratboys learn that the boys are a couple? Well, they call them "faggots", of course! But it's what happens next that has us interested ...

Click on through the jump and refresh often to find out! 

And away we nap...

2:57PM EST: Preview Time! Nothing. BUT ...

After the preview Jake and Van do a very nice little PSA for CBS Cares about hate crimes. Which, of course, is sadly timely in a way that the show could never had planned.

Van: "Intolerance, bigotry and hate can lead to violent and often deadly consequences."

Jake: "Practice - and teach - acceptance, kindness and understanding." 

I like that they say "acceptance, kindness and understanding" over "tolerance", which always feels backhanded to me. And I love that it's the actors appearing side-by-side as themselves. But I still want their characters to stop acting like old maids! 

2:47PM EST: Noah tells Luke that he doesn't remember much because he blacked out. He asks Luke if he was scared and says that he was afraid he was going to lose him: "Not a chance".

Lily has the best unironic line of the day: "We almost lost our son ... AGAIN!" 

Ameera goes in to see them and the dayplayer nurse asks if he is her boyfriend. (What, does she think Luke is a stuffed animal?!) Ameera says, "No. He's my brother." Luke looks at her with apparent warmth and we wait to see if his expression will change to reveal if he finds this a bit creepy or revealing, but he doesn't crack.

What, did she mean "brother" like Undercover Brother?

Lily and Holden discuss the Aberzombies, who were apparently college students whose blood alcohol levels were far over the legal limit. 

Ameera tells Noah she hopes she didn't make him feel uncomfortable by saying that and he says that you don't have to have the same parents to be siblings. Uh ... well, maybe in Oakdale.

Noah says that Luke was the brave one and he stays at his side and tells him that his grandma is going to spoil him rotten. Lily tells Holden that she is worried every time Luke and Noah leave the house. Well good thing for her that only happens every few weeks or so! 

2:43PM EST: Meanwhile, Cafe Vienna is making out with Gray in the back of a limo. Just to keep tabs, that's her second love scene in one day, with two different men. Oh wait, third - flashback to another sex scene with Henry in the back of the limo. 

Meanwhile, Luke and Noah get beaten in the road. Just keeping score.

The boys are at the hospital, where Noah is being looked at. He has no broken bones but might have a concussion. The lad doctor tells Luke that he's been asking for him and he goes in to see him. Ameera looks through the window at them and tells Lily that she was more concerned for the boys than herself. Holden goes to give a statement and Lily says that these guys need to be punished for hurting innocent people.

Inside, Noah tells Luke that he feels better now that he's here. It looks like he got hit by the same Toaster Strudel that got Luke a few months back. Damn those deliciously messy breakfast pastries!

2:35PM EST: Oh, did I mention that Lily and Holden are hot on the trail of finding the boys? No? That's because no one cares.

The Aberzombie punches Luke and they stuff Ameera in the car. Part of me wants them to actually take her to spare us several more months of Flagrante Interruptus, but she really doesn't have it coming at this point. Luke, tapping into years of Dukes of Hazzard re-runs, tries to pull Ameera out of the car through the window. Because remember, she has a cell phone but doesn't know how to unlock a car door. Back in St. Olaf they all ride moose!

Lily and Holden are wondering if maybe they took the wrong turn at Albequerque, when they spot the boys mid-Rumble. Luke has saved Ameera and has one of the Aberzombies pinned to the car and there is absolutely NOTHING sexually frustrated about the way that he's pinning the guy from behind. Nothing at all. Lily spazzes and asks if they hurt her son. Mother of the Year! (Meanwhile, one of her other kids is locked in an old refrigerator in a junkyard somewhere. Oops!)

2:30PM EST: Okay, I just watched The Rumble again, and when Luke is on the ground helping Noah if you didn't know any better you'd think they were re-enacting a home childbirth scene from Little House. And one of the Aberzombies got Luke good in the stomach before he went all Hulk on them, and they also said that they were more man than "these queers". 

2:25PM EST: Austin From Days has the bright idea that Henry seduce Kit and then they can nail her for killing Sam. Henry chokes on his Cornnuts, yelping that he's not "nailing" anything. Nyuk nyuk.

The Aberzombies punch Noah, and Luke jumps on them! One of them grabs a tire-iron and hits Noah in the back, and Luke drops to help him.

Screaming Noah!

Nurse Luke!

The two guys yell "these two are faggots!" and say that they're taking "Miss Baghdad '08" off to the roadhouse or whatever. Luke charges one of the guys and starts beating the tar out of him!

Go Luke! Take out all that sexual aggression! This is like Fight Club in rugby shirts... 

2:21PM EST: Meanwhile, Gray woos Cafe Vienna by sending her a huge stack of cardboard boxes and two mismatched shoes. You romantic schemer, you!

2:17PM EST: Luke just kissed Noah on the forehead and on the nose after he woke up. But of course nothing below the mustache-line!

A car passes and Luke and Noah run to flag it down, but the people in the car just drive off! But before getting too far the car backs up ... and then takes off again. What is this, a remake of Duel?

Noah yells, "JERKS!" and the car coasts speeds after them, but Luke pushes Noah out of the way. Two Aberzombies kick beer cans out onto the road as they get out of the car and they call the guys "losers". Oh no! 

Ameera hides behind Luke and Noah and they guys offer to drive her to town alone after wondering aloud "how many Americans her relatives have killed" back in St. Olaf. Subtle as a sledgehammer to the stomach, folks! 

2:10PM EST: Wow, there was just a five-minute for a collection of Christian Anthems called "I Can Only Imagine". Um ... I can only imagine what the eff the people who bought that ad space were thinking. 

2:04PM EST: Luke wakes up what must be minutes later to find Noah and Ameera sleeping with their heads together like the Olsen twins. Noah rustles in his sleep and rolls over to lean on Luke instead, and Luke touchingly kisses him on the forehead several times. It's cute. Ameera looks on.

Meanwhile, Holden and Lily realize that the gays of the Snyder Home for Wayward Gay Teens are missing and Lily finds a note from Luke saying that they went to visit Pervs. Lily says his bed hasn't been slept in.

Oh, I get it! It's the next day! Maybe we should add a "Stuck in the Truck Clock" to go with the Liplock Clock on the main page...

Meanwhile, Austin From Days tells The Blonde Obstacle that he "needs sexual healing" and Henry and Cafe Vienna are STILL in bed. And here my corneas had just healed... 

1:59PM EST: Matt Winston! Who is married with two children and the son of Stan Winston, special effects legend. Learn something new every day!

1:58PM EST: OMG, while watching the tail-end of The Bold and the Botoxed I just saw a new Reddi-Whip commercial that features their new Reddi-Whip Man character ... isn't he played by the actor that played David's bitchy/blackmaily Gay Men's Chorus friend on Six Feet Under? The one with the dog that would spray poo if you made eye contact with it? I wonder if that helped him prepare for this gig.