Liveblogging "As the World Turns": TPTB SAY RELAX

In today's episode Luke and Noah finally get around to addressing the fact that they're virile 18-year-old lovers who have been in a relationship for a year and yet haven't even gotten to second base. (I would use this opportunity to throw in a crack at The Mets, but I really don't have that particular artillery in my arsenal.)

Today Holden's dalliances with Quaker Oats Lady shake Luke's faith in relationships and he presses Noah on why they haven't bumped uglies yet. Given the fact that Noah already slept with a woman and Luke's 15-year-old cousin, Parker, is at this very moment being deflowered by a relative across town, we should just go ahead and prepare for some more tried-and-true "I'm waiting because I love you" crap. Because if there's one thing we know about Oakdale, it's that people only have sex with people that they don't care about. Family values, remember?

Anyway, there's clearly no organic reason for the two to not be physically intimate at this point beyond the desire of TPTB (The Powers That Be) to keep stringing everyone along. So the only question that remains is this: Can they manage to at least make it entertaining?

Click on through and refresh often to find out, as it happens! 

Hit me (hit me) Hit me (hit me) Hit me with your laser beeeeeeeeeams.... (Ow! Ow! Ow!)

2:55PM EDT: So they're more comfortable getting 15-year-old Parker shirtless than one of the gay boys, at this point. Noted...

Diet Juno gives Parker a condom and tells him that she's on birth control. Oh, and Austin From Days admitted that he only lasted 5 minutes with Dammit! under the bleachers. Awkward!

Parker is a bit uncomfortable because DJ isn't bossing him around as much as usual. Break out the bondage gear!

Preview Time!: Sponsored by Vagisil! No Nuke, but lots more affair and teen babymaker drama. 

2:48PM EDT: Matthew Perry 2.0 just pointed out to Dammit! that "thinking isn't Brad's strong point." He stops short of pointing out that his bulging biceps and pecs that could crack walnuts, in fact, are. 

Ew, Diet J and Parker are going at it again. They move things up to his room and she grabs the white paper bag of contraceptives ... although wouldn't it be funny if the bags got mixed up at the diner and it really had half a tuna melt and a bear claw in it instead? Either way, I feel very uncomfortable watching this. Did Larry Clark direct this episode? 

2:45PM EDT: Okay, that ad where Miranda's boyfriend from Sex and the City hears all those fart terms during the job interview gets me every time. "Graduated top of your gas". Ha!

QOL tells Luke that it's over between her and Holden, and he seems satisfied, but doesn't feel like swimming in Whore Lake anymore and goes home. 

2:39PM EDT: OMG, when Luke says "it's okay, Carly", doesn't he sound like the villain from like, The Bone Collector or Scream or something? Creepy! Anyway, he tells his dad he should go make things right with his mother.

OMG, I'm so over all this talk about Diet Juno's ladybusiness. Maybe the next episode will be all about how Margo tries out a new yogurt that helps her poop?

Eew... and now DJ and Parker are making out. And Dammit! is doing some kind of repressed memory therapy one-woman show and recounting the time when she and Austin From Days had sex and she got pregnant. Please tell me she's going to start beating a chair and calling it "mom".

And Luke just told QOL to butt out of his conversation with his dad. Snap! Of course, she doesn't. Pop off, hookah! 

And a Vagisil ad. Right on schedule. 

2:27PM EDT: Blonde Obstacle is going to take Austin From Days to get a book to help him talk sex better with his jailbait daughter. It reminds me of when Harvey Birdman rifles around for gay porno mags when trying to explain to Johnny Quest exactly the nature of his father's relationship with Race Bannon...

And then we're treated to Liberty's First Gyno. Are they deliberately trying to drive away the gays at this point?! Of course, they head on over to the only lady business doctor in town for pamphlets ... but we find out that she's already stocked up Diet Juno.

Okay, Dr. Ladybusiness just gave AFD the hottest look of the week when he asked her for STD scare comics. He and BO meet up with Dammit! and DJ at Henry's diner ... which is kind of funny, considering that given how much sex he and Cafe Vienna have behind that counter, they've got a better chance of catching something from the turkey club than anything else.

Luke in shorts and a tight tee! Noah just called him "his happy ending"! Luke snarks that Noah had no trouble getting his groove on with Maddie (score one for Luke!) and Noah says he doesn't want their first time to be rushed.

Noah tells Luke he loves him and that they are going to be together for a very long time. FORESHADOWING SENSORS TINGLING

And they kiss. 

Moments later Luke crashes his dad's party with QOL and tells him to go home to his wife. Churrrrrrrrch! 

2:22PM EDT: Quaker Oats Lady really is exceptional. She just gave a convincing "I want you to want me but don't want to want you because it means that what I want is you" speech that would put Julia Roberts to shame. 

Oh my lord this Hoveround commercial is like SEVEN YEARS LONG. By the time it's over I'm going to need one myself.

2:16PM EDT: Out at the swimmin' hole, Holden tells Quaker Oats Lady that things are pretty much dunzo with Lily, but she urges him to tell Lily that what happened between them was a fluke and that it meant nothing. Holden's all, "I WON'T BE IGNORED!" and boils one of her extra children.

Austin From Days sits Diet Juno down and tries to lecture her on the birds and bees ... when she picks up on the fact that it's a sex talk, she asks, "whaddaya want to know?" Okay, that was funny.

Back at the farm, Luke says that he doesn't believe in "happily ever after" anymore, noting that there aren't sequels to romantic comedies because no one really ends up happy. He points out that he and Noah are glorified rooommates and that they have been alone in the house all day and haven't touched one another. Noah brings up Emma's Simple Rules for Dating My Gay Teenaged Grandson and Luke shoots it down, saying, "there's nothing keeping us from having sex." He walks out.  

2:05PM EDT: Okay, I knew as I was typing the "the only sex is between people who don't care for each other" thing that Austin From Days and The Blonde Obstacle were the Achilles heel, and here they are. Curse you, loving young hot married couple!

The walk in on the Jailbait Twins making out on the couch and AFD 'roids out on them. HULK SMASH PARKER'S UNDERAGE ASS!

Luke's back to hanging out in the kitchen (is he back in the wheelchair?!) and Noah breezes through and asks him if he knows where his sneakers are. Luke kind of mumbles and waves, Noah's Boyfriend Sensitivity Meter actually pings and he tries to pep talk Luke about his dad's affair, pointing out that Holden has cheated before and it didn't bother him. Luke explains that now that he's "found true love" and is dating someone, Holden's dalliances are more insulting.