Liveblogging "As the World Turns": We have ways of making you talk, Mayer

Let's face it, despite featuring a few touching moments between the boys, this whole Green Card wedding thing is already beyond boring.

But this week ATWT is spicing things up using two things that the kids these days just can't get enough of: Immigration red tape and interrogations!

I can't believe it, but I'm actually wishing that that damned talking puppet had gone after Luke instead, just for the camp value. Remember when immigrants were wacky, like Balki, or Fez, or Moscow on the Hudson? Okay, maybe not Moscow on the Hudson... I mean, I know Ameera comes from a war-torn land, has no family to speak of, and is a stranger in a sometimes hostile country with little understanding of her culture. But come on, would it kill her to do a "Dance of Joy" every now and then?

Anyway, let's see what happens when Noah is called on the carpet for marrying Ameera just to keep her in the country and the Feds come down hard. (Is it too much to ask for an impromptu body-cavity search?)

Click on through the jump and refresh for to-the-minute updates...

Is it safe, Noah? 

2:56PM EDT: Preview Time! Oh, who are we kidding? See you next week...

2:55PM EDT: Casey asks Ameera if he can walk her to class and just then Noah and Luke show up. Noah attacks Ameera for going on a date in public the week after their wedding and Ameera's all, "it wasn't a date" and Noah's all "considering coffee and a biscotti is third base for me and Luke, that's exactly what it was!" Luke tells Noah to back off, and Noah realizes he's being silly and overprotective. Ameera seems to have a real soft spot for Casey, and Noah encourages her. 

Luke tells Noah that he's making things complicated but then encourages him to go catch up with Ameera. Ameera and Noah walk off arm-in-arm, and as Luke follows behind he pauses in frame long enough for his eyes to roll out of his head, down the street, around the block, past the bookstore, and back into his head before catching up with them. 

2:45PM EDT: Ameera explains that the immigration folks are out to get her because they think her gay marriage is a sham, for some odd reason. Casey assures her that the Rent-A-Strip is watching him, not her, because Orville Redenbacher is trying to kill his mom. Ameera launches into a "back in St. Olaf" story and Casey is downright mesmerized. 

I'm getting the sense that we've seen all the Nuke we're going to get this week? Please prove me wrong. 

2:42PM EDT: Meanwhile, Matthew Perry 2.0 is trying the tried-and-true "my son can't be guilty because he sees dead people" defense, and Quaker Oats Lady has tracked down the homeless woman who saw the whole thing. I would normally call this ridiculous, but I have a feeling that Oakdale only has one homeless person, and if anyone can find her, it's definitely QOL. 

I Can Only Imagine! Woo-hoo! Can I tell you, I catch myself singing "Our God is an Awesome God" without realizing it?

Followed by an ad about a hunky bottle of mustard and a Midol commerical. Equilibrium restored. 

2:37PM EDT: Eight seven-seven, three-nine-three, four, four, four, EIGHT! 

The dayplayer lawyer for Parker just flubbed a line and they didn't even bother to reshoot.

Ameera is going to get some coffee and Noah has a mini panic attack. Well, we do know how he feels about coffee. Luke assures him that they're not being watched every moment of every day and that they can still find time to be together.

Ameera is sitting and reading and Casey comes along (still wearing Luke's hair) and they chat about bribing government officials and prison. You know, typical teen romance stuff. 

Ameera tells Casey that she's married to Noah, and Casey's all "homoswifesayswhat?", and just then Ameera notices Casey's Strip-A-Gram police escort at the door and gets all "you have to leave, they're watching me!". 

2:25PM EDT: Tweens on Trial! Parker is in the courtroom for Sam's murder. Please tell me that The Olsen Twins are going to show up and save the day or something. Quaker Oats Lady looks miserable, but she's rocking a hot bob.

Detective Clarice Starling just got one of those giant popcorn tubs (you know, with the three flavors separated by cardboard?) with a note that says "I'LL BE THERE WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT". What, is she being stalked by Orville Redenbacher?! 

Back on campus, Ameera is off to class and tells Luke and Noah to go off without her. Noah decides that he should walk with her so that people don't get suspicious. Luke follows along, presumably to pick up any crumbs that they might drop. 

2:18PM EDT: Meanwhile, Austin From Days is in the hospital, and Bonnie shows up to Austin-block the Blonde Obstacle. Is she the Blonde Obstacle Obstacle?

Holden tells Ginger McBeardington that Noah is staying with them because his dad is a psychopath blah blah. GMcB asks Noah what his "secret" is, and Noah's all, "huh?" He's like, "How'd you luck into such a hot and nubile good friend?" Oh ... that secret.

Blonde Obstacle just said that Austin is "chowing down on Bonnie's goodies as we speak". Oh come on, you don't need to resort to food innuendo with these two, writers. She has a vagina, remember?

2:08PM EDT: Meanwhile, Casey (who has Luke's real hair!) is concerned about what's going to happen to Matt. A bit too concerned, maybe? Taking a cue from Lily, Detective Clarice Starling makes an offhand reference to how lousy of a cop she is, and no one laughs. Heh.

Suddenly a hot rent-a-cop shows up and tells Casey he's his new best friend. Hot! Where's the boombox and the tearaway pants?!

Back at social services, Beardy McGinger tells Noah that he'll extend the visa but that the happy couple should expect lots of visits from INS. He asks where they're living and when they tell him that they're shacking up at the Snyder Home for Wayward Gay Teens and Illegal Aliens, he points out how odd it is that two newlyweds are staying with the family of the groom's best friend.

Um, seriously? There's no hanky-panky going on between the boys. Trust us, we know. 

2:04PM EDT: Holden ushers Mr. and Mrs. Mayer and Their Gay Valet into a decidedly social services-looking office to apply for a visa extension. When the bearded gent (no, not Noah) asks why she needs the extension, Ameera replies that she has married a totally heterosexual American heterosexual. Noah chimes in with "Yep, she's my totally heterosexual wife-type thing now!".

Luke, meanwhile, stands in the background looking like he regrets all the time he spent with the hot-iron this morning.