Liveblogging As the World Turns: "Welcome to Abercrombie and Fitch, We Have Much to Teach You"

Okay, this is a last-minute one, granted. But we just got word that the boys are on today and there's actual gay content to be had involving other gay folks and some kind of gay getaway. So allow me to catch you up on the ep so far and get us all up to speed, eh?

Real quick, thanks to those of you who, upon seeing that Luke and Noah actually appeared today, dropped me a note to let me know (Anthony and Marcella, in particular!). You complete me! 

Click on through and refresh for updates!

2:58PM EST: Luke is in the kitchen (there's a shocker), and Noah comes in, and they both clumsily blurt out that they don't want to go to the Plato's Teen Retreat after all. WHAT?! Luke's all, "I'm really not into that kind of party" and Noah's all, "I'm worried that they might not have the freshest fair trade coffee beans" and they decide that they'll stay home and babysit instead.

Alright, that's f*cking ridiculous. Sure, skip the hot tub hootenanny, but go for the alone time! 

The boys decide to go on a "moonlight walk around the pond" ... and seriously, I don't think that's a euphemism. Not in the least. 

Preview Time! No Nuke, but then again, they've been springing the gay boys on us out of nowhere for weeks now, including today. Right at the end of the episode Holden and Lily find a day-player dead in a car trunk (is someone cribbing Captain Pervy's flavor?) and it looks like there's lots more of that coming this week. The gay orgies in the woods? Not so much. 

2:48PM EST: Noah returns and Luke has gotten over his misgivings, and needles Noah about the fact that they're basically going to spend the weekend at Oakdale's only gay bathhouse. Noah isn't bothered by the fact that there will be booze and drugs there (Luke actually uses the term "Just Say No", in classic Nancy Reagan form) and says that they can leave the party boys in the hot tub and spend some alone time in their room. I say unless Noah picked up some antibiotics along with his filmmaking supplies, that's probably a good idea.

Okay, on a completely unrelated note, Em just confessed to Detective Clarice Starling that she used to be "a hooker". Her words, not mine. Yesss!!! 

2:40PM EST: Back outside the coffeeshop, Noah meets Luke on the bench, and Luke tells him that he just got permission from his folks to go away for the weekend. Noah's surprised because he didn't think Luke wanted to go, and Luke says he thinks a weekend away will be good for them. And for ratings!

Suddenly New Gay Redge arrives, with his boyfriend, Tony ... but I think for our purposes he'll be Bride of New Gay. NG introduces BoNG to the boys, making sure to use the word "boyfriend" as frequently and loudly as possible (it's a bit after-school special, really), and Noah excuses himself to get some more supplies for filmmaking class.

As soon as Noah leaves, New Gay and BoNG start making inappropriate and suggestive remarks about what shenanigans the unbridled soap teens might get up to on an unchaperoned weekend in the country. There's talk of ... 

A huge hot tub! No swimsuits allowed?! Alcohol? Funny-smelling cigarettes? Luke is horrified, of course. What are these circuit queens thinking - do they not realize that they're dealing with the Mother Theresa of gay teenagers? I'm surprised he didn't ask if he could bring his little sisters and hausfrau hooker mom along! Although she'd just swipe all the drugs...

Predatory gay teens! Hot tubs! HOT!

2:33PM EST: When we get back to the boys Luke and Noah are still mulling over the possibility of having a hot romantic gay getaway, and Noah points out that while he loves staying on Grammemma's couch, he really wishes that they could have some more "alone time". 

At this point something happens that is so completely unexpected that I have to rewind to see it again: Luke says in a tortured, raspy whisper: "I want it so bad." 

This is downright torrid! I'm getting the vapors just thinking about it!! 

2:25PM EST: K, I know this is going to sound like I'm describing another show entirely, but I swear I don't start drinking until 3 at the earliest and this is, indeed, As the World Turns.

We find Luke and Noah in the spankin' new coffee shop. Luke is still hemming and hawing about the whole "my parents are being arrested like common criminals" thing, and Noah tries to smooth things over by having him drink a sip of piping hot coffee, which burns Luke's mouth. Noah, I liked you better when you solved your problems with booze, not French Roast.

Suddenly ANOTHER GAY (not Alpha Gay of course, a Lesser Gay) named "Reg" (rhymes with ... um ... "ledge"? "Pledge"? "va-"... okay, not really...) enters the coffee shop and Luke introduces him as the head of the gay group on campus. WHAT!? 

Luke introduces Noah as his boyfriend and New Gay is all, "well that's where you've been for the past few months!" and looks at Noah like one of those Loony Tunes castaways who sees his friend as a giant hot dog. New Gay tells the boys that another group member is having a Big Gay Weekend Abercrombie and Fitch Shirtless Wrestling Fall Catalog Photoshoot Getaway at his parents' country house and that there's a spare bedroom: would the celebrity couple like to join them? 

Um ... YES!