Liveblogging "As the World Turns": Yes, Virgin, There Is a Santa Claus

With Christmas looming on the horizon like the silhouette of some enormous, mythic beast hungry and lumbering in our direction, the Whos of Whodale prepare for the holiday by scheming, lying, murdering, making bad decisions and being generally selfish and shallow ... all while surrounded by twinkly lights and garland. It's a beautiful thing.

And it looks like the Christmas spirit is working its charms on estranged gay lovers Luke and Noah, who are brought together to reminisce about the good old days when they didn't have sex and were tortured by the fact (as opposed to now when they don't have sex and aren't really bothered by it). Not to mention last Christmas, when they didn't kiss under the mistletoe. Ahhh, good times...

So will Santa bring Luke and Noah back together ... or will he just bring them a lump of coal? Click on through the jump and refresh often to find out ... as it happens!

Slice up the fruitcake!

2:55PM EST: Lady D tells Wheats that she feels irrelevant when her husband rejects her and he tells her that he has needs too, to which she squawks, "Gay- Great! Let's take care of them!" Paging Dr. Freud!

He convinces her that they should just cuddle. Oh, Lady D...

Luke tells Noah that he's jealous of Maddie because she's gotten further with Noah than he has. Noah assures him that he only has feelings for Luke and after another passionate kiss asks, "do you believe me?" Uh, I'm workin' on it. 

And Alli gets a text message from either Gossip Girl ... or Lucy!

Preview Time!: Okay first, The Man from Oakdale is really being released as a book. I bet the pages will be pepperkakor-scented! Tomorrow Luke walks in on Noah and Maddie having coffee together, which for Noah is of course almost third base. We'll be back to hold your hand through all the overcaffeinated drama! 

2:49PM EST: Henry explains that he wrote The Man from Oakdale when Cafe Vienna left him and recites the dedication to her. She drags him up to their room to play "sexy editor and naughty naughty writer". I fear for his dangling participles!

Meanwhile Lady D makes Wheats take her up to his hotel room, giving him ample time to pop a Viagra, Dramamine and Ambien and to mentally pull up all of his favorite Zac Efron pics.

Noah invites Maddie to Metro for New Years, where Henry's throwing a party for the holidays, and when she leaves Noah says he can't believe she's back home. Luke concurs. 

OMG, Lady D just literally dove for Wheats' belt! He stops her from depantsing him and says "you don't want to do this." 

Luke tells Noah that he's upset that Noah invited Maddie along with them on New Years and Noah's all, "you can't actually be jealous of her ... can you?" That's a good Bingo, Noah.

2:40PM EST: Maddie hugs the boys and tells them it's great to see them and she asks Noah point-blank, "So you're really GAY?!" It's kind of funny. She tells them that Butters wasn't all about seeing her. Meanwhile, Butters tells Alli that he has to get over Maddie.  

Meanwhile Henry tells Cafe Vienna that he's already sold the book to Simon & Schuster and Lady Drumstick is pissed off at the fact and even threatens to sue Henry for defamation of character. HA!

Back in the alley Luke impatiently waits as Noah and Maddie catch up. She's still carrying a torch for Butters and Luke hastens to make it clear that Butters is still single. Noah tells her that it's worth it to hold out for Mister Right, gazing over her head at Luke as he says it. 

Alli tries to out-loser Butters by saying that she slept with one man the day before she married another and Butters cracks that yeah, he probably won't be doing the same. Ha! 

2:30PM EST: Luke and Noah walk through Oldtown (in Maddie Alley, appropriately enough) and they reminisce about "last Christmas ... remember how close we were?" ... to kissing on-screen?

Luke invites Noah to the farm for Christmas and he accepts. And then he pulls the box out of his pocket and tells Luke he wants to give it to him.

Lady Drumstick likes Henry's book but isn't really all about publishing the story but Wheats thinks it's a bad idea. But she goes for it anyway and Cafe Vienna runs off to find Henry to tell him the good news.

Meanwhile, Henry's not having a drink with the somewhat creepy lady who crashed Al's earlier, who gives him a check for his "contributions". Of course Cafe Vienna shows up and tells him about the good news that Lady D is publishing the book and creepy lady is all "oh hellllllllll no!"

Is it just me or did Butters color his hair in between leaving the house and arriving at work?

Luke opens the box and it's ... a watch. Hey, I hope it's a Consummation Countdown Watch! On the back Noah has inscribed "Worth the Wait". Mmm-hmm. Noah helps him put it on and their eyes lock. Noah looks up and sees the mistletoe and they remember last year under the mistletoe and Luke tells Noah that he's still so in love with him and Noah says "Same here" like he did last year, and they kiss. Passionately, even!

But their kiss is broken when Noah sees the ghost of Maddie haunting the alley a few feet away. He shouts "Maddie!" and you could seriously knock Luke over with a feather. 

2:18PM EST: Luke, with an expression straddling "amused" and "nauseous", apologizes for walking in on Peepaw and Meemaw playing tonsil-hockey. Wheats tries to smooth it over and when Lady D is out of earshot Luke tells Wheats again that he's not being fair to her, even if she does seem happy. 

All of a sudden Lady D starts yelling "what what no blood, no corpse!", so either she's making a joke about the fact that there's alarmingly little drama going on in the house or her pent-up sexual frustrations have graduated to a full-on stroke. Ask her if she smells toast!

Noah shows up with presents for the gang ... and he's holding on to one small box, nervously. Luke tells him that Wheats admitted to coming on to him. 

Lady D derails the trip to the museum by taking Wheats to the only available set that would make any sense for them to end up in, the boardroom. She tells Wheats that she loves boardrooms and starts raping him again. Go lady business! But before they get too far Cafe Vienna shows up with Henry's manuscript, which she wants her to publish. Wheats points out that the book is about Lady D hiring to PIs to find Lucy and Johnny.

Back at the Pad, Luke fills in Noah on the Jade situation and how he got her arrested and everything. Noah tells him that he did the right thing, the kind of thing that the guy he fell in love with would do.  

Noah tells him awkwardly that he has the day off and asks if he wants to hang out. And meanwhile Butters Maddie Alli meow meow meow.

Flagellant in three languages! HA! Gets me every time, that one... 

2:06PM EST: We start off with General Foods International Coffees Cafe Vienna coming home with a heap of presents, and while stuffing one under the smallest tree ever she stumbles upon a screenplay hidden under the table.

Over at Al's, Henry is already saying "pepperkakor". Glad we got that out of the way!

At his place, Butters is making a sandwich and NuMaddie arrives. She makes a crack about him not remembering her, which is entirely possible considering that she's played by a different actress than she was when she left Oakdale.

At the Lily Pad, Lady Drumstick is literally sitting in the living room holding mistletoe over herself, begging her gay husband to kiss her. Oh the indignity. When Brian "Wheatables" Wheatley eventually shows up and she complains about not being able to do anything anymore he of course suggests that they work off her pent-up energy by ... going to the museum! Wait, did he just call her "old"?

She relents and tries to devour his face again, and Luke comes in the front door just in time to see them kissing.