Liveblogging "As the World Turns": The life of Riley

More intrigue today surrounding newly-arrived funeral-crasher Officer Riley Hotpants, whom Luke and Noah start to suspect may be hiding some sort of secret or agenda (let's hope it's a gay agenda, no?).

Apologies for not whipping up a fancypants header image today, but I'm having some computer issues, so I'll be lucky if I make it through the liveblog without losing blood.

To find out if I do (and learn what's up with the dashing doughboy), follow along below, refreshing often for breaking updates!

Before we start: I know I said last week that Off. Hotpants looked like a cross between Bob Saget and JC Chasez, but in the top pic isn't he a dead ringer from the guy from Jake and the Fatman?

2:08PM EDT: We start with Noah taking out his (sexual?) aggressions on a throw pillow at the Lily Pad. He makes a grunting noise, which Luke interprets as being his frustration with being unable to find a film crew to shoot his film. Never fear, hyphenate boyfriend is here! Luke offers to play cameraman/shirpa/craft services, and is sure they can rope Butters into doing sound. Hey, maybe that's what happened during the Tonys telecast? "Butterrrrrrrrrs!"

Over at Chez Butters, Detective Clarice Starling is serving eggs to a deliciously beefy set of man-pecs in a powder blue polo shirt that may or may not have Riley's head poking out of the top of it. Meanwhile, Mr. Clarice glares at them from the garden like a well-dressed Michael Meyers.

And Emily is having issues with her intern ... what's his name again? Right now his salmon jacket is so distracting I can't remember. Oh, it's Hunter - and Ali gets sent to drag him back to the office, but he can't go back because he has something better to do, like sit on a bench and complain. Oh, and his mom had a stroke. Whoopsie! Instead of bringing him back, she offers to drive him to Chicago to see his mom. Whoopsie Part 2!

Officer Bitchtits Hotpants tells Clarice that he's no hero, while Mr. Clarice continues to stand in the begonias. Butters asks him what he's doing and they both remark that she's treating Hotcakes like a long-lost son. Dun-dun-Dunnnnnnnn!

2:17PM EDT: Mr. Clarice asks his wife why she's getting all Mrs. Danvers on Riley, but then the doorbell rings. Noah apologizes for interrupting their mancleavage breakfast but they say it's no problem, and she all but throws Hotpants at the boys to help with their project, as he was an audio tech in the army. Noah and Luke are, oddly, entirely receptive to the idea.

Ali talks Hunter and his salmon jacket through visiting his mom and Emily beats up her computer (I hear ya, girl!). Turns out Hunter's mom can talk, but what she told him was that his dad isn't actually his dad. Ha! That's even worse news than Ali's hair.

Over at the hotel, Riley gets nervous when he learns that Noah is going to be interviewing a military guy. He comes up with an excuse about having to leave and Butters is all, "Wow, that's JUST WHAT ADAM WOULD DO" and Hotpants is all, "you didn't just say that ... you will stare into my impossibly perky nipples and get verrrrrrrry sleeeeeeeepy...."

2:30PM EDT: The military guy comes in and Butters immediately tries to discredit Riley, but he covers well when the interviewee knows one of his superior officers. Back at Chez Butters Clarice and Mr. Clarice continue their discussion of how creepy she's being, and she insists that despite the ominous music, no one can never replace Adam in her heart. He calls BS but she makes him go back to work so she can go back to fingering Riley's lacy underthings.Or listening to Adam's 12th birthday CD, same thing.

Hunter's in shock, so Ali gets him a Coke. I hope she's not a nurse in the diabetes ward. She then suggests that his mom might have been hallucinating and said "peach" when she meant "canteloupe". Uh ... who's hallucinating, Ali?

Emily tells her mom that the's done with men, but she wants a baby.

Noah and Luke talk about the military guy, saying he was a nice guy, at least nicer than Captain Pervy. Riley's all, "what, your dad wasn't a nice guy?" and Luke quips that Pervs didn't like Noah because he's gay, and Butters jumps in, asking if Riley hates the gays. Noah and Luke apparently don't care to hear the answer because they leave, but Riley hauls his upper body over to Butters to confront him on all the shade he's been throwing. Duck, Butters - he won't be able to see you over his ample man-mounds!!

2:41PM EDT: Butters accuses Riley of taking advantage of Clarice in her time of weakness, and Riley says he'll take his too-tight polos and leave, if that will make him happy.

Meanwhile, Mr. Clarice goes to Dr. Not-As-Dashing for advice on their new lodger, and Emily keeps arguing with her mom about her baby fever. Ugh ... Over at Java, Ali presses Hunter for more info about his mom. She doesn't get why he ran away so easily, and he says his father died when he was young so he doesn't really care. Uh-huh. Also, his mom was a prestigious professor and there's a display of donuts behind his head that looks reeeeeally appetizing right now.

At the Pad, Noah tells Luke that he's not sure where the film is going but they're lucky that Butters and Hotpants lent a pec on the shoot. Noah actually thinks Butters is right to be suspicious of the new guy.

Butters comes home to find his mom on the couch, crying as she watches the birthday DVD she pulled out earlier. He calls his dad to come quickly, and with a bucket of Valium.

2:48PM EDT: Butters and Mr. Clarice tell Clarice that she can cry all she wants, but she's all, "No more tears!" and runs off to whip up a sensible lunch.

Noah tells Luke he thinks it's odd that Riley didn't know anything about his dad, and Luke says that he's starting to sound like him with his Nancy Drew suspicions.

Butter and Mr. Clarice go to confront Mrs. Danvers, but Riley interrupts them after using his diamond-tipoed nipples to cut a hole in the window and sneak into the house. Or maybe he uses the door, I dan't remember.

Emily asks her mom to track down those eggs that she put in the fridge all those years ago, in the hopes that she can use one for her mama omelet. Moments later she comes back to tell her they're getting them for her. But then Dr. Not-As-Dashing appears with the not-at-all-shocking news that ... they're GONE!

2:56PM EDT: Emily is freaked out that her eggs are missing, but her mom is all, "Oh, they probably just fell behind the crisper, they'll find them!" Sheesh.Back at Chez Butters, Officer Topheavy says that eating dinner with the family is like being back home again ... which would be a pretty obvious thing to say if he were really Adam back with a new rack face, wouldn't it? Clarice drags him off to watch home movies of Adam.

Luke suggests that Noah talk more to Riley to find out more about him. They can have a real heart-to-nips!

Preview Time: No Nuke, but they'll be back later this week, and us with them! And tomorrow, Bride of Cuervo is back off the wagon, and PROM FIGHT!