Liveblogging "As the World Turns": Riley's right to bare arms

Apologies again for the lack of a sassy mashup pic, but the Hot Gay Nerds at the Genius Bar are still making sweet sweet love to my MacBook Pro, so I'm a bit low on resources. 

Thankfully, Officer Riley "Bitchtits" Morgan has resources to spare. In today's episode a firearm surfaces when Noah goes through Captain Pervy's personal effects ... but what does our ample-chested new recruit have to do with this? I honestly don't care, as long as he brings the high-beams.

To find out how things go down on today's show, follow along below, refreshing often for breaking updates!

Bring on the guns! Oh, and the firearms.

2:09PM EDT: Noah's sitting at Java, on the customer side of the counter. Those biscotti aren't restocking themselves, lazybones! Luke comes in and gives him a kiss hello and asks him what's up. Noah mentions the box of Captain Pervy's personal effects that were sent to him and points out that he's never opened the box and wonders if he should open the box on camera as a part of the film. Luke is hesitant and then decides what the heck, what's a little more mental trauma from dad?

Over at Chez Butters, a packed green polo shirt that may or may not contain Riley is helping Detective Clarice Starling make chicken kebabs and she gets excited when he says she can "play with the sharp and shinys". Finally we learn the nicknames of his nips!

Butters knocks a bowl of perky man-teets off the table and storms out, and he runs smack into the arms of a garden gnome disguised as Ali, who is herself disguised as Dammit!'s hair stand-in. 

Over at the House of Cuervo, The Bride stumbles in and Parker is all, "do I smell drunk-acting on your breath?"

Craig/Rosanna/Paul blah blah blah. Craig: "I'm gonna come at you in ways you can't imagine." Um ...

2:18PM EDT: Parker has Bride of Cuervo lie down to sleep it off, but seconds later Craig charges in and tells her that Rosanna is a thief.

Back in the garden, Butters tells Ali that he thinks Riley is taking advantage of his mother ... by teaching her how to cook? Luke and Noah show up and ask Butters if he can do an improptu shoot, and Butters says that Riley is busy turning his mom into the Hummus Queen of Oakdale. Hey, I thought that was Noah's nickname! Either way, Noah isn't terribly choked that Riley can't join them and they all leave.

Inside, Clarice tells Riley about how she and Adam had a falling out and he looks at her with puppy-dog eyes.

Craig Cuervo Rosanna Ice Truck Killer blah blah.

2:30PM EDT: Craig tells Bride of Cuervo he's done being the "good guy" to make her family happy, and goes to call Clarice to have Rosanna arrested. How dare he interrupt Hummus Time!

Meanwhile Paul gets papers from Meg that she's granting him visits with Eliza. Ugh. 

At the farm, Noah opens the Colonel's box on-camera. No, that's not a euphemism. 

The box contains: An American flag ... and a cigar box holding a baby picture of Noah (awwww!) ... and a gun. Noah says that he can't put it together because it's not military issue, and Ali chirps, "WE CAN HAVE RILEY DO IT OH WAIT ARE WE STILL FILMING OOOOOPS!" 

Butters makes a crack about "Officer Chickpea" and Ali tells him (or maybe me) to can the hummus jokes. Luke of course thinks it's a great idea to pull Riley's mountainous torso into the proceedings. Wait, why do they have to put the gun together in the first place? Are they planning on shooting someone?

The Junior NRA shows up with their gun and ask Officer Bitchtits to put it together, and he snaps at them to turn off the camera. Ali apologizes for bringing up the idea and Butters stares at Riley, waiting for an answer as to why he's so freaked about the gun.

And Bride of Cuervo just nearly ran over Craig! While wearing hot cork wedgies!! I hope they were espedrilles.

2:38PM EDT: Wait, Parade is "the most widely-read magazine" in the world?! Somebody kill me. 

Cuervo cools her espedrilles in the car while Parker helps Craig up. Wait, where was he walking to, anyway? Doesn't he have a car ... or at least a Segway?

Paul wonders if his life is worth saving. Um ... computer says "no".

Clarice swoops in to Riley's defense and then brings up the real question: What are they doing running around with a gun?! And how stupid were they to bring it to the house of the Chief of Police?! 

All of a sudden Riley snaps into flashback mode and assembles the gun, explaining the model and particulars as he does it. Luke looks interested ... maybe even too interested? Butters says he's impressed but it would have helped if Riley had done it on film, and then they all talk about Riley like he's not there. Oh, he isn't - he left? How'd I miss that! 

Carly: "MY FOOT SLIPPED, IT JUST SLIPPED!" Carly, drink the juice!!

Craig is helped up by some other random businessman in a suit who also happens to be walking along a residential, tree-lined road in the middle of nowhere. HOT!

2:46PM EDT: OMG using Pop-Tarts in homemade ice cream sandwiches?! Wasn't that what Dr. Nick advised Homer to do when he was trying to become morbidly obese for disability?! "Brush your teef wit peanut butter!"

Bride of Cuervo has to have Parker explain to her what just happened and he explains she almost ran over Craig in front of the PD and left him there. She sends him to his room and breaks out the Stoli. HOT! She chugs some straight and gives a textbook "Ahhhh, hurts so good!" wince.

Clarice takes her hummus-scented self to talk to Craig in the hospital and he insists that the hit-and-run was a random accident, and then bails on telling her about Rosanna stealing his money.

Luke and Noah to Butters: What's your beef with Officer Beefcake? Oh, and Riley IS in the room this time! Either that or his upper body is so massive that the rest of the characters are no in orbit around him.

And then Clarice pops by Paul's to talk to him and Rosanna. Okay, what's with the Margopalooza? It's starting to feel like The Truman Show in here ... only less realistic.

2:55PM EDT: Paul kicks Detective Clarice out of his Ice Truck. And The Bride is still swilling vodka in the kitchenette ("Atta girl!") when Craig stumbles in. She apologizes and her breath singes off his eyebrows. He tells her that he didn't tell Margo anything and he won't. She lies down for her hourly nap and Parker checks in with Craig, who tells him that his mom is seriously not alright, and could probably use a cocktail onion.

Parker wants to tell his dad - the cop! - about the DWI, and Craig wisely advises against it. No, they should just tie her to a bed for the next few months instead, prairie-detox-style!

Criag whispers to Carly (who's out cold) that they're going to get through this and kisses her on the cheek. He stumbles out, but this time it's not because of the ankle, he's contact-drunk.

Preview Time!: Next Week OMG HENRY IN DRAG!!!! Okay, this I gotta see...