"Project Runway" recaplet (5.01): Meet the frockers

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on July 17, 2008

Wesley cleans up in aisle three

Alright, I'll admit up front that I pretty much hate the first 3-6 episodes of any reality competition. Be it Top Model, Project Runway, Top Chef, or America's Psychic Challenge, any reality show just has too many contestants right out of the gate. Nobody gets enough screen time, everybody's acting all nicey-nice or fronting all fake badass, and there aren't any simmering rivalries yet to enjoy.

I actually don't even bother watching the first few episodes and just catch up later, but I thought that just this once I'd actually watch something before writing about it. (What, you think I actually saw The Dark Knight? Ha!)

Picture it: Manhattan, 2008. Like, probably about a month ago, given how fast they had to turn this season around (notice the Get Smart ads on the bus stop?). The designers arrive, sniff one another's backsides, and head upstairs to toast their imminent character assassination with Tim and Heidi.

My first take on the designers: Lotsa rocker chicks. Remember when Allison and Laura brought some class to the joint? Not no more. I think the popularity of Sweet Pea and Kit Pistol encouraged the producers to get a little edgier this season, because there's more eyeliner and tattoos on these ladies than at a Toilet Boys show. Even the somewhat more refined ones seem a little Girl, Interrupted to me ... not quite all there.

As for the guys, the lone hetero (Joe) must be terrified. He already mentioned his kids, but that's what people with kids do, so I'm not going to read into it any further than to say that it clearly means that he is a TOTAL HOMOPHOBE. Oh, just kidding, he seems nice enough ... but he's no Sparta Kevin!

The gays are also a bit Girl Interrupted, for the most part. Blayne (the appliance) is obsessed with tanning and says things like "Girlicious", so I hate him already. Daniel lives in Brooklyn (like me) and has birds (which I'd love to set up on a play-date with my cats) and seems a bit "touched", but not full-on crazy. Suede I don't have an opinion of yet. Jerell is doing the aggressive thing where he talks about himself like he's already famous, which rarely seems to end well, but I like his portfolio. Wesley has as much character as a Polo shirt (I'm already sick of the Vampire Weekend look ... dude, this ain't Martha's Vineyard) and Jerry seems a bit stuffy.

Which brings us to Keith:

Oohhhhhhhh Keith. If ever there were a gay reality TV boyfriend for me that wasn't Dale Levitsky, it would be you. From your understated, grubby dress to your killer bod to your belief that you were hand-picked by heaven itself to bring the blessing of urban fashion to the world, you are everything this show has needed since day one.

Don't get me wrong, I love the crazy hipster kids with their funny Flock of Seagulls hair and their wacky boots and what-not, but I can't identify with them. You make sense to me. You are my touchstone. My emissary. You are a beacon of hope for guys who find fashion interesting but are themselves utterly, hopelessly unfashionable. Don't be it ... dream it!

Anyway, he's neat.

On to the challenge....

In a bold stroke of either self-referencing or laziness, the first challenge is the same as the first challenge from Season 1: namely, the dreaded Grocery Store Challenge. The guest judge is the designer who won that challenge .... Austin Scarlett.

Austin and Tim

Can we talk about Austin for just a second?

Austin is one of those people I mentioned earlier, whom I respect tremendously but cannot identify with in the least. I appreciate that he is probably some sort of genius, but cannot comprehend why he is going to the grocery store dressed like the lovechild of Quentin Crisp and Thurston Howell the Third. How can he indulge in free salsa samples in crisp white pants?!

And before we move on, can we just cast Rachel Griffiths to play Scarlett in his biopic and get it over with? Eerie.

By and large, the designers disappoint. I mean, MAJORLY. For one, almost all of them grab tablecloths, completely missing the point of the challenge, which is to give us the pleasure of watching them try to whip-stitch bologna to Wonder Bread and use Fresh Step as glitter.

The Best: Of all the designs, Daniel's "2 Cups, 1 Girl" cocktail dress and Kelli's "Filter? I don't even know her!" vacuum-bag-and-coffee-filter party dress are the standouts. I also thought that Terri's mop-braid brassiere thing was pretty cool, and it's a shame that Korto's gorgeous gown was made of a tablecloth, because it was damn cool (she's also lucky she took Tim's advice and took a trip to the salad bar for those trimmings, because it saved her ass).

The Worst: Oh my fug. I understand that Stella was screwed for buying the cheap Krasdale-brand trash bags. But honey ... HONEY ... what the eff were you doing buying trash bags in the first place?! Have you never seen this show or read an interview where they always say, "We did the first challenge in a grocery store because we wanted to move past the trash bag"? And even if you were bold/short-sighted enough to go with trash bags anyway ... why the hell did you buy the cheap ones?! Didn't you have like $50 or something? And you still bought the crappy store-brand ones instead of the GLAAD 4-ply? I have half a mind to send Padma Lakshmi to your house to teach you a lesson about quality storage products.

Jerry

Aside from Stella, the rest totally sucked as well. Hideous all around, and not the least bit impressive creatively.

In the end, Daniel was rewarded for his bravery in using plastic cups and his execution (it was cute, if a little stiff) but Kelli won the challenge thanks to her clever use of dye and bleach. And Jerry was sent packing for his utterly terrifying plastic raincoat/rubber glove/moonboot ensemble, which both his colleagues and Somewhat Less Orange American Fashion Designer Michael Kors pegged as something that a murderer would wear in a slasher movie.

Oh, what, you mean like this?

Christian Bale in American Psycho