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"Project Runway" recaplet (5.01): Meet the frockers
Wesley cleans up in aisle three Alright, I'll admit up front that I pretty much hate the first 3-6 episodes of any reality competition. Be it Top Model, Project Runway, Top Chef, or America's Psychic Challenge, any reality show just has too many contestants right out of the gate. Nobody gets enough screen time, everybody's acting all nicey-nice or fronting all fake badass, and there aren't any simmering rivalries yet to enjoy. I actually don't even bother watching the first few episodes and just catch up later, but I thought that just this once I'd actually watch something before writing about it. (What, you think I actually saw The Dark Knight? Ha!) Picture it: Manhattan, 2008. Like, probably about a month ago, given how fast they had to turn this season around (notice the Get Smart ads on the bus stop?). The designers arrive, sniff one another's backsides, and head upstairs to toast their imminent character assassination with Tim and Heidi. My first take on the designers: Lotsa rocker chicks. Remember when Allison and Laura brought some class to the joint? Not no more. I think the popularity of Sweet Pea and Kit Pistol encouraged the producers to get a little edgier this season, because there's more eyeliner and tattoos on these ladies than at a Toilet Boys show. Even the somewhat more refined ones seem a little Girl, Interrupted to me ... not quite all there. As for the guys, the lone hetero (Joe) must be terrified. He already mentioned his kids, but that's what people with kids do, so I'm not going to read into it any further than to say that it clearly means that he is a TOTAL HOMOPHOBE. Oh, just kidding, he seems nice enough ... but he's no Sparta Kevin! The gays are also a bit Girl Interrupted, for the most part. Blayne (the appliance) is obsessed with tanning and says things like "Girlicious", so I hate him already. Daniel lives in Brooklyn (like me) and has birds (which I'd love to set up on a play-date with my cats) and seems a bit "touched", but not full-on crazy. Suede I don't have an opinion of yet. Jerell is doing the aggressive thing where he talks about himself like he's already famous, which rarely seems to end well, but I like his portfolio. Wesley has as much character as a Polo shirt (I'm already sick of the Vampire Weekend look ... dude, this ain't Martha's Vineyard) and Jerry seems a bit stuffy. Which brings us to Keith: Oohhhhhhhh Keith. If ever there were a gay reality TV boyfriend for me that wasn't Dale Levitsky, it would be you. From your understated, grubby dress to your killer bod to your belief that you were hand-picked by heaven itself to bring the blessing of urban fashion to the world, you are everything this show has needed since day one. Don't get me wrong, I love the crazy hipster kids with their funny Flock of Seagulls hair and their wacky boots and what-not, but I can't identify with them. You make sense to me. You are my touchstone. My emissary. You are a beacon of hope for guys who find fashion interesting but are themselves utterly, hopelessly unfashionable. Don't be it ... dream it! Anyway, he's neat. On to the challenge.... In a bold stroke of either self-referencing or laziness, the first challenge is the same as the first challenge from Season 1: namely, the dreaded Grocery Store Challenge. The guest judge is the designer who won that challenge .... Austin Scarlett. Austin and Tim Can we talk about Austin for just a second? Austin is one of those people I mentioned earlier, whom I respect tremendously but cannot identify with in the least. I appreciate that he is probably some sort of genius, but cannot comprehend why he is going to the grocery store dressed like the lovechild of Quentin Crisp and Thurston Howell the Third. How can he indulge in free salsa samples in crisp white pants?! And before we move on, can we just cast Rachel Griffiths to play Scarlett in his biopic and get it over with? Eerie. By and large, the designers disappoint. I mean, MAJORLY. For one, almost all of them grab tablecloths, completely missing the point of the challenge, which is to give us the pleasure of watching them try to whip-stitch bologna to Wonder Bread and use Fresh Step as glitter. The Best: Of all the designs, Daniel's "2 Cups, 1 Girl" cocktail dress and Kelli's "Filter? I don't even know her!" vacuum-bag-and-coffee-filter party dress are the standouts. I also thought that Terri's mop-braid brassiere thing was pretty cool, and it's a shame that Korto's gorgeous gown was made of a tablecloth, because it was damn cool (she's also lucky she took Tim's advice and took a trip to the salad bar for those trimmings, because it saved her ass). The Worst: Oh my fug. I understand that Stella was screwed for buying the cheap Krasdale-brand trash bags. But honey ... HONEY ... what the eff were you doing buying trash bags in the first place?! Have you never seen this show or read an interview where they always say, "We did the first challenge in a grocery store because we wanted to move past the trash bag"? And even if you were bold/short-sighted enough to go with trash bags anyway ... why the hell did you buy the cheap ones?! Didn't you have like $50 or something? And you still bought the crappy store-brand ones instead of the GLAAD 4-ply? I have half a mind to send Padma Lakshmi to your house to teach you a lesson about quality storage products. Jerry
Aside from Stella, the rest totally sucked as well. Hideous all around, and not the least bit impressive creatively. In the end, Daniel was rewarded for his bravery in using plastic cups and his execution (it was cute, if a little stiff) but Kelli won the challenge thanks to her clever use of dye and bleach. And Jerry was sent packing for his utterly terrifying plastic raincoat/rubber glove/moonboot ensemble, which both his colleagues and Somewhat Less Orange American Fashion Designer Michael Kors pegged as something that a murderer would wear in a slasher movie. Oh, what, you mean like this? Christian Bale in American Psycho So that leaves us down one gay, with six more to go. Any thoughts on how this Season is shaping up? Any predictions? Submitted by on Thu, 2008-07-17 10:33. |
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Not quite so down
I'm not quite so down on the majority of the creations.
The bottom three were standout worst possible crap. The middle group was probably closer to the bottom than they were to the top, but none of them had quite the hideousness factor of the bottom three.
Stella's actually wasn't hideous. It just wasn't, full stop. I understand the punk aesthetic, and I'm sure she was going for punk meets couture, but that piece just wasn't there. There was no vision or creativity on display at all.
I want Blayne gone. Jerry's piece was mindblowingly awful and probably deserved to get him yanked, but I got the impression this was just a miss from an otherwise talented designer. Blayne seems to promise more of the same: dump some crap on a model with no structure, design or vision and call it edgy and brilliant. I'm glad the judges called him on it, but would have liked it more if he'd taken the first long walk.
Different winner?
Absolutely right
I didn't finish my sentence - oops! Damn Emmys...
Fixed, thanks!
Fun first episode...
....or was I really starved for some summer TV???
Just to clarify...Kelli won with that great vacuum cleaner bag/coffee filter top - pretty amazing actaully and Daniel was rewarded witha "great job" from Heidi, but didn't win.
Keith is also my new hero too - adorable and down to earth.
And I agree with Jonathan (above) that Blayne needs to get gone soon - his smirking arrogance made me want him outta there first...
I'm excited that i have some fun viewing back on Wednesday nights this summer!!
Go Keith!
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Orange!
Please get rid of the Orange Man! His swimsuit thing was beyond ugly. Diapers!
What's the liberian girls name? Kato? I love her very much. Her and straight Joe are my faves this year.
Quentin Crisp! Exactly what I was thinking last night. I've always loved Austin. He's brilliant.
Austin & Episode 1
I agree that he's probably brilliant, but he'd get beaten up in that getup.
This episode was maybe the biggest tranny mess yet. I don't really think anybody should have won. Even the supposedly clever use of plastic cups created a dress that didn't move and didn't really fit that well.
Agree with all of your comments especially about the first few episodes of most reality shows, except that gay cowboy has got me back looking at Julie Chen & the 72 cameras more than I really want to.
Looking forward to seeing Keith's nipple rings and tattoo more up close and personal and Preston's cute legs.
Austin & Episode 1
...Girlicious? Really?
We're only one episode in, and I'm already totally over Blayne. Honey? "Girlicious" is not gonna catch on, no matter how many times you say it or how many ways you write it "graffiti-style" on your model's thigh. It's lame, and so are you.
I'm actually pretty down with the hipster girls this season; they seem to know what they're doing, and hipsters are known for doing interesting things with prints and patterns. As long as they don't go all American Apparel on us and insist that unitards are the new LBD, we'll be alright.
Keith
Oh yes. Dreamboat. His design wasn't as stud, I mean hard, I mean... pretty.
Tan Boy's gotta go:
Tan Boy's gotta go: "girlicious" is his obvious and sadly desprately attempt to coin the next "hot tranny mess" catch phrase, which itself got tired very fast.
Regarding Keith's apparent being off your gaydar - he's so straight acting, come to Silverlake; most of the gay guys here have the same look - which is why love living here!
Blayne
I couldn't get past
Hm... keith is okay. At
Hm... keith is okay. At least I won't try to stop you guys from drooling over him :D
I had high hopes for blayne being the new "kayne of many colors" - not as talented as he thinks he is but very likeable... but no - well - he isn't as talented as he thinks he is BUT thoroughly annoying on top of that. I hope they won't keep him in just for the "fun".
And awww - lovely to see austin again. He is still my favorite contender ever. Talented, camp, strong, fragile, very amiable and not ashamed of who he is. Could be a role model for all kinds of people - gay, straight, women, men and everyone in between. (I'll stop being cheesy NOW)
I didn't like any of the outfits. I liked the cup-cups of daniel and the skirt of kelly. But if you want to know how to make a model's flat chest look even flatter: THAT's the way you should do it.
oh - and why does wesley always look like his mother left him somewhere alone in a big scary place?
Austin
So far my favorite gay
Another Vote for Keith
And I thought I was the only one that was feeling it for Keith. Heh! He is a hot furry designer cub with a lot of potential. I liked how he stayed so calm and cool through it all. And he dresses simply but with masculine flair.
OK... I confess. I was just lusting after him the whole time. ;-) Nice arms and tight t-shirts work wonders! LOL
As for Girlicious... LOL Oh, please!! I would have loved to have heard Christian's comment about that train wreck. I loved Michael Kors mentioning that it looked like "a diaper between her legs." It was soooo aweful. It was like a child's craft project gone wrong. Oh, wait... I guess it was just that. (evil grin)
Bearotic.com - Entertainment For Bears
And the worst gay goes to...
I can't decide. Blayne and Suede are neck and neck for me
They're both obviously studied and practiced stereotypes. So each is both annoying and yet entertaining in their annoyingness. Can one really choose between them?
Suede -
First, the name - "Suede,-" damnit, it's so stupid that it's impossible to punctuate correctly.
Second, name already claimed by a bad lesbian singer circa early 90's (which 'Suede' is old enough to be aware of, and probably stole that jean jacket from her)
Third, Suede is almost 40 (steady there, honey!) and is trying, unsuccessfully, to sport a bad attempt at a pathetically dyed fauxhawk while saying he wants to get out of designing denim and move up the fashion ladder.
Fourth, is far too self-aware in confessionals. Turns out that catchphrases you planned out in Williamsburg (see below) sound flat and pathetic on Bravo even if you swivel your head back and forth.
And Blayne...... truly a piece of work
First, the tan. Is it real, is it fake? does it matter? it's just so orange...
Second, the hair. it's greasy, it's stringy, but will it change as the season progresses? I bet it will, but I can't imagine how.
Third, the face. Has he had work done, or is just the meth? I wonder...
Fourth, the catchphrases (as mentioned above) planned in West Seattle sound flat and pathetic even after you write them on your poor model's thigh. Sweetheart, 'girlicious' is just never going to be the next 'fierce'. Please, give it up. Tim Gunn's reaction in the workroom should have been a clue.
Changing gears, Keith, on the other hand, can change my oil any day. Let's hope he can design clothes as well as he fills out a wifebeater. And I think I need more early morning shots to evaluate his design aesthetic.