"Project Runway" recaplet (5.04): Ohno they didn't...

This week's Project Runway was all about the Olympics. The topic was of zero interest to most of the designsketeers, so it's probably not surprising that the episode wasn't one of the best, with more forced catchphrasing, more tired outfits, and some unconvincing workroom drama.

On the bright side, we also got two of the most hilariously inappropriate designs in the history of the series, and our first real tears during the judging. So toss your schadenfreude in your gym bag, sling it over your shoulder, and come with me. We're going to the Olympics!

Oh ... well, actually, we're going to a big track and field center that looks like the facility where my parents would send me every summer for "sports camp" (more on that some other time ... you bring the tequila and the tissues). I'd like to say that they look uniformly horrified, but in truth it's pretty much Team Gay and the Girls, Interrupted who seem afraid that they're going to be purse-napped by a speed skater or something. Mighty Joe Straight, Korto and Terri are completely thrilled to be there. Take note.

Tim tells them that they're going to have to run laps or something and suddenly a tiny little blur comes zooming at them from nowhere on rollerblades. Hey, it's ... it's ... okay, I have no idea. A singing telegram? An escaped Xanadu chorus boy? No, it's Apolo Ohno, gold medalist in speed skating. Yes, this challenge will be Olympics-themed! Seriously, just look at the faces of these kids. It's like someone told them that they're going to spend the day organizing Michael Kors's bronzers.

Speaking of bronze, let's just get Blayne out of the way for the week so we don't have to think about him anymore, shall we? He's quickly become the most annoying contestant ever, which is probably his intention. This episode focuses on his tanning fixation, which is as foreign to my pasty ass as the Olympics are to him. He points out that he tans every other day, noting that "some people to to the gym, I go tanning," and suggests that his lack of tanning time is making him weak. What is he, Wall-E?

So the designsketeers are set loose in the Museum of Olympic Fashion or whatever (it's a small room, believe me) and some of them gravitate to some questionable designs from the turn of the century that don't exactly scream "Olympics!" to me. One picture looks like a bunch of Minnie Pearl impersonators at an Easter egg roll. Another looks like it was taken at one of those old-timey pizza parlors where they have unicycles on the walls.

Okay, this could get awesome real fast.

Back in the workroom, things get ugly (in more ways than one). Mighty Joe Straight tells Tim he's working on a "skort" ... for a second I'm like, isn't that one of those spoons you get with your mashed potatoes at KFC? How she gonna wear that?! 

This is not a skort

Finally, four weeks in, we get some workroom drama. It seems that Daniel and Kelsey (Kitchy? Kitt Kittredge?) are too loud for the other designers, particularly Mighty Joe Straight. His general level off pisstivity is raised to the point where he actually snaps at Daniel for daring to sit at "his" sewing machine (in a room with about 20 empty machines, mind you). Daniel is floored, and Joe tells the cameras that you're going to have drama with that many "queens" in the workroom. 

Ohno he didn't. 

Meanwhile, the designs for the opening ceremonies are putting the "special" in the Olympics, for the most part. Half of the outfits look like something out of a fetish production of Oklahoma! and others look like the Pussycat Dolls designed a line of motorcycle leathers. Actually, if you combined the two it would make for a hot exploitation flick...

Top row: Stella, Joe, Blayne; Bottom row: Kelli, Jerell

Seriously, Jerell's outfit is one of the hottest things I've ever seen in my life. It's like somebody Shipoopi'd all over the poor girl.

The Best: I'm thrilled that Korto and Terri get the top two spots. Because their designs are pretty hot and because honestly, I love that the two black women in the competition excelled at a challenge that was all about strength, beauty, and athleticism while all the Girls, Interrupted fell flat. That, and they beat out Joe, who has become my Napoleonic nemesis. Korto deservedly took the top spot with this number:

I think it's pretty fierce. It's patriotic without literally slapping USA! on it (like Joe did), it's athletic without looking like a Sporty Spice knockoff, and it's still chic and modern. Nice.

The Worst: Aside from the Hee-Haw Girls (seriously, I just started laughing every time they cut to them during the elimination), Daniel's "what-the-eff-does-this-have-to-do-with-ANYTHING" cocktail dress and Jennifer's librarian picnic outfit were definitely lowlights. Just take a look at what Daniel whipped up:

Daniel's design

Really?

Wait, really?! 

It's bad enough that the dress has zero to do with the Olympics, athletics, or the United States as a country, but did you really have to make the poor girl look like Margaret Russell from Top Design? 

Bottom three: Daniel is reduced to tears on the runway (hey, it builds character). Jerell looks like he's about to cry. Actually, with that hat on he looks like he's about to sell me a box of Thin Mints, but that's another story. Michael Kors wonders if the challenge was explained to them in a different language ... no, that would be Shear Genius.

The Eliminated: Finally it's decided that Jennifer will go home ... which is a shock to me, because while her outfit wasn't the least bit Olympic, at least it was wearable, as opposed to Daniel's. But hey, Team Gay avoided culling two weeks in a row, so I'm happy.

Jennifer's losing design

Keith-O-Meter

Down from last week, unfortch. But we did get some shirtless Keith and learned that he was a competitive gymnast, which sends the mind wandering in all sorts of NSFW directions. But Keith was also accused of "stealing" fabric selections from Lynn ... which he didn't even use in his design. Hmm. Developing...

Planet RunGay Status Check

We're still five gays and going strong this week, with the two gays in the bottom three barely squeaking by. Hopefully next week the challenge will be less Olympic and more ... fabulous? At any rate, Planet RunGay's Ferosh-Yet-Benevolent Overlord is calm this week, but those lasers can flare up at any time...