"Project Runway" recaplet (5.07): Shut up and drive

Oh my. Ohhhhhh mymymymymymymy. Did anyone hear my heart break at about 9:58 last night?

More on that later. First, let's discuss the shilliest Project Runway yet, in which the designers are asked to design a product placement around Saturn cars. Done! Overall the designs were not bad, but attitudes left quite a bit to be desired.

We start off with a shot of that same effing Olsen Twin Elle Magazine hanging on a newsstand, which at this point is giving me kaka. I mean, we all know that the entire season is taped in like 5 days but do they really have to make it that obvious? At this point MK or Ash (what, like you can tell them apart?) is kind of like the designsketeers' guardian angel or something. "Every time an outfit zings, an Olsen gets her wings!"

Upstairs, Kenley and Keith are not doing well. Kenley is upset that her BFF Daniel was sent home (apparently her laughing at him on the runway was reality show magic), and Keith is prickly because he wants to teach the world to sing but nobody's picking up his tune, or something ... I don't know, I kind fell out of love Keith last week and now I have the strange urge to be cruel to him for disappointing me. I'm all Bitter Moon up in here.

Anyway, the emphasis this episode is on the granite block on Keith's shoulder and Stella's lack of inspiration ... prepare accordingly.

After the Culling of the Models (we lose two ... and how hot would it have been had they brought back the drag queens from last week as the models, with no explanation?), Heidi gets all Jumpin' Jack Flash ("I'm a kleine German woman ... in a grosse silver box...") when she tells the 'sketeers to go to the rooftop of an address on the West Side for their next assignment. I get excited for a brief moment when I think they're headed to Beer Blast at the Eagle (All-you-can-eat pasta buffet - "Eat It, F*cker!") but no such luck.

No, it's a parking garage, and on the roof they find a bunch of cheap American cars, Tim Gunn, and some guy from Saturn, who is basically Welsh Moby. But instead of playing them some killer white man's dance music and serving them tea, he tells them in his wonderful accent that they'll be making outfits out of the materials that are stuffed inside the cars. For a second I feel like I'm watching Torchwood, only without the sex.

It's a bit of a let-down that they don't actually have to use the cars themselves, because I'd love to see these guys have to chop-shop a mid-size sedan. But no, they stock up on loose seatbelts and floormats and haul their carts full of materials back to Parson's. The irony or course being that with the wheelie-carts full of stolen car parts they actually look like they belong on 34th Street.

Blayne and his spoils
 

Back in the workroom, it doesn't take long for things to get ugly, although not in terms of the clothes. Jerell uses the words "bustier" and "headlights" in the same sentence, which probably isn't advisable. Blayne (who has mercifully avoided -liciousing anything thus far) says that the mood is very "exspearmintal" in the work room ... which either means people are thinking outside-the-box or they have winter-fresh breath. I think it looks very Mythbusters, which is a good thing.

Speaking of prickly daddy-types, Keith makes a comment about "the f*cking judges" and says that he's going to tone things down this week. For an "innovation" challenge. Sounds like a good idea. Seriously, he's getting reeeeeaally annoying with his bitterness over the judging last week. Let it go, kid! You're still hot!

The other designers comment on Keith's attitude and after more whining he finally reaches what in our house is known as the "Waaaahmbulance" point. As in, "Waaah, waaah, waaah - somebody needs me to call the Waaaahmbulance!" Anyway, Keith's a code red, at this point.

Meanwhile, Suede (who is not actually using suede, which would have been a valid excuse for him to actually refer to himself in the third person, for once) mentions his dead father, and I smell another Paranormal State-style visitation coming. Seriously, not to belittle his losses, but let's get with it. First grandpa helps you grow lettuce for a drag queen and now pops is reaching out from the other side to help you saddle-stitch seatbelts? Someone call Chip Coffey, because this guy needs help.

Where'd you get those peepers?
 

Elsewhere in the workroom, the increasingly dour Korto is working on a pretty kickin' coat made of woven seatbelts. And the increasingly hot Terri (who has become my favorite in the past two weeks, if anyone cares) remarks that it looks like a scarecrow (because ... it does) and even drops a Jeepers Creepers reference, making her my favorite contestant in history. Jerell isn't impressed by her horror movie acumen, noting, "Terri has two faces and four patterns, that's it. Don't trust the bitch." Me-ow!

That night we learn a bit about Stella's boyfriend (Leathuh-daddy?), whose name is William but who goes by "Ratbones". Of course he does.

Showday! Keith has a full-on hissyfit when his model, whom he had expressly instructed not to sit down, sits down and rips the skirt. In her defense, the hair Nazis and makeup elves probably made her, but he's LIVID. He tries to fix it and tells her not to sit down, or even to breathe. Near-fame's a bitch, honey!

Meanwhile, Leanne is stuffing her model's underwear with muslin. Come on, guys, fess up: Who hasn't been there?

No comment.
 

They introduce guest judge Laura Bennett (from Season 3) and Rachel Zoe, from some upcoming reality show I'll never watch. You know, so much has been said about the horror that is Rachel Zoe that I'm not really going to comment other than to say that I've seen Cenobites who were more photogenic.

Showtime!

Jerell's hotness
 

The Best: Jerell's futuristic cigarette girl outfit is hot, as is Korto's Jeepers Creepers coat. Terri's is also pretty hot, but I wouldn't expect anything less, at this point. Leanne's is downright fierce - this girl may have stumbled out of the gate with her Spaghettios Airways stewardess outfit, but damn has she proven to be the Little Girl, Interrupted That Could.

Korto's dress
 

In the end, Leanne wins and Korto, who was a close second, looks characteristically thrilled to have placed in the top two. Seriously, someone get this girl a puppy before she makes me cry. 

Leanne's winning design
 

The Worst: Keith's is boring, but we saw that coming. Blayne's is just a monstrosity ... but we saw that coming, too. And what's up with the puckering at the top? Did he think his model was Carol Doda? Bodydysmorphilicious.

Blayne's dress
 

Stella's is at least different for her but at close range it's a total mess, construction-wise. And I'm sorry, Mighty Joe Straight, but you can't just remake your Olympics outfit again out of floormats. And using the Saturn logo on the chest?! This isn't an outfit for a car show model. It's a bit brown-nosey (like his USA was), and I don't like it.

Stella's dress
 

The Eliminated: This is when the wheels spin off the wagon for Keith, who gets a bit argumentative with The F*cking Judges and then plays the pity card, which is of course as effective as rubbing a pork chop on oneself before jumping into a lion's cage. He's a bit Mayor of Excuses Village, but remember, this is also the guy who broke the "I'm not here to make friends" cliche rule, so I guess it's not that big of a shocker. In the end he's eliminated and keeps his cool (he even says "Yeah, for sure!" to the judges after they boot him) until his confessional, where he finally breaks down and cries because he's going home for something that didn't even represent him and now he'll never get out of Utah. 

Keith's losing design
 

Ouch. Well, Keith, having lived in Salt Lake City twice myself (don't ask), I can sympathize with you on that last part. But gay men have been getting out of Utah for decades now and you can too if you go into one of these two fields: Clog-dancing or porn. Trust me, they work!

The Keith-O-Meter

Sadly, we have to retire the Keith-O-Meter this week, unless Suede somehow summons him from the Other Side to help him make fleurchons or something. So, finally, we finally get to see Keith's head, delivered to us by the well-dressed architect of his decline.

Planet RunGay Status Check

Oh, Fierce-Yet-Benevolent Overlord Christian Siriano, what to do? You've apparently been spending too much time judging the relative fierceness of teenagers' hair to keep your gays in check, because they're dropping like panties at a Robin Thicke concert.

And then there were three!