10 ways to gay up this year's Oscars

We've been grousing that this year's Oscars are the straightest in recent memory, which may be a turnoff for some gay movie/awards show/red carpet lovers. So here are a few simple suggestions to make your Oscar viewing the Gay! Gay! Hollywood! celebration that we love and deserve.

1. Pretend all non-married nominated characters are gay

Remember back before there were gay characters on screen and audiences had to dig for gay subtext with a pickaxe and night goggles? Well, here we are again. So for the purposes of getting through the night alive, pretend that Daniel Plainview from There Will Be Blood, Michael Clayton, Anton Sigurh from No Country for Old Men, and the old guy from Into the Wild are gay.

Hey, for once not all the gay characters are psychos or and don't all have to die! Sweet...

2. Gay celebrity drinking game

Want to save on your champagne budget this year? Make a drinking game out of every time the broadcast show an out gay man. Granted, this will likely happen only once or twice during the show, depending on whether or not shut-out Hairspray director Adam Shankman could snag a ticket on eBay. So don't blink! 

Hairspray's Nikki Blonsky and Adam Shankman 

3. Rename the nominees with gayer titles

To gay up the fun, refer to the nominees by these titles throughout. (Those who forget go through the spanking machine!)

There Will Be Boy Butter

No Country for Trolled Men

Michael Clay Aiken

Queeney Todd: The Demon Hairdresser of Fleet Street

A Toned Man 

The Diving Bell and the Butt Pirate 

Get Me Away From Her 

What Ever Happened to Baby Juno? 

The Character Assassination of Jesse James by the Bossy Bottom Robert Ford 

4. Stack the deck

Watch the Oscars with as many gay people as possible, for maximum effect. Chances are it will be playing at  your local gay bar/community center/coffee shop/dungeon, so if you don't have any gays at the ready to help you make it through the broadcast, go find some new ones. Safety in numbers! 

5. Theme Menus!

Nothing says gay like over-designed appetizers. Sample menu:

A Whey From Her hot cereal with raisins and pecans

Eggos Mortensen 

Pickled Halibut Holbrook 

Crepes Blanchett 

Into the Wild Rice (alternately, La vie en Rose Edith Pilaf)

Ratatouille

Charlie Wilson's S'mores 

After-dinner Atonemints

6. Only watch the red carpets

I know, not all gay men are into fashion. I really don't care either way about it myself. But when it comes to old-fashioned high camp, the parade of celebs down the red carpet is second only to a visit by the Pope (come on, he's got that wrapped up). Throw a party for the arrivals, then when the broadcast begins put the TV on mute and play bridge or something.

7. Pretend that Cate Blanchett and Tilda Swinton are men

Let's face it, Tilda will always be the gender-hopping hero/ine from Orlando for many of us, and she also played the archangel Gabriel in Constantine. And Blanchett is nominated for playing a man this year in I'm Not There ... so for the sake of gender variety, let's just consider them trans for the evening. It's like Victor/Victoria, only with Jon Stewart instead of Robert Preston.

8. Kristin Chenoweth sing-along!

Really, the Broadway vet and Pushing Daisies scene-stealer's performance of one of the songs from Enchanted is going to be the highlight of the broadcast for many a show queen. So even if you're not into musicals, feel the fairy tale just for a few short minutes and sing along. Don't know the words? Make them up! God knows I didn't see the movie... 

9. Re-edit the broadcast

Who says you have to sit through all this anyway? Throw together a clip tape of great gay moments from Oscar nominees past (Brokeback Mountain, Capote, Transamerica, Little Miss Sunshine, Philadelphia) and pop it in whenever things get dry (sound editing, anyone?).

10. If all else fails, have sex with a man

Nothing is more guaranteed to make your Oscars experience gay than good old-fashioned man-love. If you can time it to the orchestra, more power to you.