Gays at the Prom: Hardly a love story

Brian Sloan, author of A Really Nice Prom Mess (SimonPulse), recently spoke with several out gay authors about their prom night experiences. He's graciously agreed to blog about it.

Like seeing the first robin of spring, I have recently spotted those super-sized Hummer limos tearing around the city with girls shrieking out the sunroofs as guys in ill-fitting tuxes puke out the window. Yes…it’s prom season again!

The main feeling I have when I see these kids reveling in their “big night” is a wave of relief that comes with the realization that I’ll never have to go through that uniquely American right of passage again. Prom night is a fraught experience for the average male but, if you’re a gay man, you can then add a whole additional level of anxiety and awkwardness to a night that’s already filled with it. Prom night is often billed as a night to remember but, for the gays, it’s often one that we’d rather forget.

As someone who has written a bit about the high school years, I thought it would be interesting to see what other writer’s experiences of prom was like. In my survey, I heard more stories of survival more than trauma. It seemed that showing up and getting through the night was more the norm. Which is not to say it was easy.

“It was not really a positive experience,” says novelist Alexander Chee, who wrote Edinburgh (Picador). “It was one of those things where you realize you’re gay and you’re participating in this ritual that isn’t really designed for you to be there.”

Alexander Chee

Alex’s prom night was memorable but for reasons not so fondly recalled. “My date for the evening went off to make out with one of my best friends,” he says laughing. “What was so ironic is that I thought it was exciting that someone wanted to make out with her.”

More gay authors share their prom stories after the break!

Years later, Alex’s overcame his prama (“prom drama” in teen speak) by attending an adult prom at the Iowa Writer’s Workshop. But he did it with a twist.

“I went to this thrift store and got a red leather trench coat mini-dress slit up the sides, a three foot blonde wig and six-inch fake python platform heels. And I won Prom Queen!” he recalls with a certain amount of glee. “I have to say it was an incredibly emotionally satisfying moment.”

Despite Alex’s story of triumph, most writers I talked to didn’t have a strong desire to make up for tragedies of proms past. David Levithan, whose book Boy Meets Boy (Knopf) is about a high school where gay is the norm, said he doesn’t have any regrets about the prom. And he went to four of them.

David Levithan

“I really don’t need a do-over,” he says. “The first one was miserable but the other three proms had their moments, mostly good ones, the highlight being ditching my miserable date and dancing with two other absconders to ‘Like A Prayer.’”

For those who liked to dance, multiple proms were common. This was the case for writer Frank Polito, whose 80’s set novel Band Fags (Kensington Books) is coming out this month. Having attended three proms, Frank said that being gay was sort of a plus for his dates when it came to all those prom night expectations.

“By going with me they didn’t have to worry about sex,” he recalls with a smile. “There was this unspoken thing between us, that we were safe and I didn’t feel under pressure.”

Frank Polito

However, even though Frank had fun on the dance floor, he sensed that there was something missing. “I always felt I missed out on that human experience of being able to dance with someone you really have affection for,” he adds wistfully. “When you can’t make out through that slow song to someone you really like, I always felt you were missing out a bit.”

Moving into the new millennium, the prom experience didn’t seem to change too much for author Nico Medina, who graduated in 2000. His second novel, Fat Hoochie Prom Queen (SimonPulse) is about the battle for prom queen at a Florida high school. At his prom, Nico recalls hitting the dance floor -- hard.

Nico Medina

“I was definitely dancing a lot. And not just with my date,” he adds. “We were kinda bouncing around from friend to friend. That was the highlight for me. There was some very expressive dancing going on, that’s for sure.”

Relieved from the pressures of sex with a girl, sometimes gay men can often have a better time on prom night than their straight counterparts.

“Societal norm is that prom night is sex night,” says Nico. “I wondered if I should go for that but ultimately I chickened out.” Would it have been different if he could go with a guy? “Of course…if I had come out earlier, I would have liked to go with a guy.”

So hot dance moves aside, its seems that there is still this longing; a nagging feeling that something essential had been missed on prom night. And I’m not talking about puking.

As for myself, I took that feeling and expressed it in my writing, creating a novel about two guys who decide to go to the prom together in A Really Nice Prom Mess (SimonPulse). I think if I’d been gay in high school, this is probably what I would have tried to do — go with a guy but be more discreet about it so as not to be a target. As an adult, I realized this secretive approach would not be such a wise idea and that’s what the book explores. It’s about honesty and how, regardless of whether you are closeted, coupled or single, that’s generally not an option for the gays on prom night.

Lately, though, there are signs of progress for gay boys wanting to attend prom. There are now annual “gay proms” held in New York and California that create a safe space for teens who want to have that slow dance surrounded by other same-sex couples. There are even stories about out boys and girls going to their actual high school prom together minus the ensuing court battles of the 80’s and 90’s. Of course, in an ideal world it shouldn’t matter who you take to prom. But, unfortunately, that will never happen. Prom will always be a part of high school and, in high school, everything matters.