Halloween treat: 15 of horror's hottest himbos

Happy Halloween, homos!  Today is a day where cross-dressing is encouraged (if not co-opted by the hetero-set) and walking around with a gaping head wound or an axe is acceptable in the workplace, so enjoy it while you can.  In honor of the day we thought we'd take a look at some of the Horror Hotties of years past that made our blood boil and scared our pants off ... in every way possible. 

There have been a number of gay-themed horror films over the years but guess what guys?  You won't find any of them in my list. Instead I'm going back to the films of my youth (for the most part) and giving you the boys that made me wish they'd take a machete to my skull. Hurts so good!

While I'm a huge horror fan, I'm no bloody Prom Queen like our boy Brian Juergens so don't be all judgy-judge with my choices.  While Jason Voorhees was kinda hot with that burlap sack on his head and Freddy's abs looked toned under that scarred and charred skin of his, they sadly didn't make the list.  So who did?  There's villains, heroes, targets, homos, and even cartoons to behold because that's how I (and heads) roll.

Turn off all the lights, make sure the doors are locked and the windows are shut ... because here's my list of horror hotties.

Horror's Hottest Hand Job
Bruce Campbell as Ash (Evil Dead 2)

Seriously, look at that young Bruce Campbell! While there was no foliage having its way with half-naked coeds, Evil Dead 2 had plenty to shock and titillate.  With his chiseled jaw line and impeccable comedic timing, Bruce was almost the perfect specimen in 1987.  Few men can make you tingle while chopping demons in half with a chainsaw one minute and wrestling with his own possessed hand the next!  Ash is that man and an Army of Darkness would be needed to tear me away from my hero.

Friday I'm in Love
Tom McBride as Mark (Friday the 13th Part 2)

Surely someone expected me to pick little Kevin Bacon from the original Friday the 13th and while I admit watching him get an arrow shoved up through his neck while half naked was incredibly hot frightening, I had to go with a far superior specimen from one of the film's sequels. 

Not only is Tom McBride known for one of the best horror hacks, he's also one of my faves because he was openly gay! McBride played the wheelchair bound and lovelorn teenage camp counselor Mark who took a machete to the face and a tumble down the lightening-streaked staircase ... all while looking damn sexy in the tightest red football jersey.  This ex-Marlboro Man sadly passed away in 1995 from AIDS but he will forever live on as one of my all-time horror hotties.

The Amityville Hotties
Ryan Reynolds and James Brolin (The Amityville Horror 2005, 1979)

If your bear-ish daddy is threatening to chop you into little pieces don't you want it to be either Ryan Reynolds or James Brolin from The Amityville Horror that delivers the blow?  Let me tell you, it's going to take a lot more than flies, glowing orange eyes, an annoying alarm clock, a couple of dead ex-tenants and a creepy demon voice telling me to "get out" to tear me away from standing by my fine-ass beardo beau.  

The Biters
Kiefer Sutherland and Jason Patric (The Lost Boys)

I used to sit in my bedroom with the lights off fantasizing about pasty pale but wicked sexy Kiefer Sutherland swooping down from the sky and taking a chomp out of my neck, thigh or wherever he chose as his favorite spot to suck ... my blood.  Then add in good guy Jason Patric to the mix?  Forget it — swoon.  Surely my parents thought there was some kind of freaky séance going in my room because aside from the posters, the darkness and the movie on a constant loop, I could be heard for miles singing The Lost Boys theme song "Cry Little Sister" at the top of my lungs.  I was an odd child with good taste in bad boys.

The Pumpkin King
Jack Skellington (Tim Burton's A Nightmare Before Christmas)

I know what some of you are thinking: dude, it's a cartoon! Well so what, bone daddy is the King ... the Pumpkin King! How many other horror hotties can claim they're king of anything? That's what I thought. Jack Skellington can sing and dance and scare you right out of your pants.

He's tall, thin, handsome, and has a wide mouth, a big heart, killer style and a flair for theatrics. (And don't forget that to a guy in Kentucky he's Mr. Unlucky and is known throughout England and France ... he's worldly and that's kinda hot, admit it.) Oh and let's not even mention his infatuation with a big fat bearded man in crushed red velvet and white fur trim whom he describes as someone with a bulging sack and big great arms. 

Those Kids Over on Elm Street
Robert Rusler and Mark Patton (A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2: Freddy's Revenge)

Fred Krueger was the bastard son of a thousand maniacs who had a sweet tooth for little girls before being cornered and burned alive by the concerned parents of Elm Street.  When he came back to claim his "children" through their dreams we were lucky enough that Freddy and some Hollywood casting agents had their eyes on more than sweet little girls. 

A Nightmare on Elm Street (the franchise) has seen its share of incredibly dumb but shockingly good looking guys over the years but the first sequel takes the cake on homoerotic fever dreams.  Star Mark Patton played the tortured (and some say sexually confused) Jesse Walsh who had a bi-curious leather-loving gym coach and an oily beau-hunk of a best friend named Grady (Robert Rusler) who was secure enough in his manhood to joke about sleeping together.  For total hotness disclosure, there were rumors that Patton and his costar Rusler had a fling after the film wrapped and boys, that just fulfills so many of my childhood fantasies — you don't even know!

The Sadomasochist
Pinhead (Hellraiser)

There's something about a bald man in leather with a deep deep voice who's into playing games while threatening to tear at my flesh that just makes me melt.  No, seriously — when I was younger I totally found Pinhead a hottie and admitting it makes me kind of a freak but whatevs.  Out horror god Clive Barker wrote this twisted tale of pain and pleasure so bow down, boys.

The Woodsboro Boys
Skeet Ulrich and Timothy Olyphant (Scream, Scream 2)

On a cold night in October 1996 I went to see an unknown indie horror flick from master of horror Wes Craven and some gay writer named Kevin Williamson ... 90 minutes later I was in love.  Not only was the film a breath of fresh hot horror air, it had some crazy-hot eye candy.  While Scream took a while to become a huge success at the box office, one thing was certain: its psycho killer lead, Skeet Ulrich, was made for sin.  Billy Loomis had some severe parental issues but damn was he fine!  If I had known Billy Loomis in High School, I can't say I wouldn't have been like puppy dog pal Stu (Matthew Lillard) and followed him blindly into a psycho rampage. 

Scream 2 introduced gay-friendly actor Timothy Olyphant as a wannabe horror auteur looking to make a little cash for revenge.  Hey, he suffered for his craft and that made him adorable ... don't discredit ambition and opportunity! If he hadn't died he could have gone far in life.

The Psychos (Part 1)
Christian Bale (American Psycho)

Christian Bale was one of my first boy crushes (Empire of the Sun) and he's only gotten hotter with age.  When Newsies came out, I came out because there was no denying that my love for this man meant I was gay gay gay. So naturally my horror-loving self was in homo-horror heaven when those two worlds collided in Mary Harron's adaptation of Bret Easton Ellis' American Psycho.  Patrick Bateman is a dapper dan with abs of steel that looks good in a suit while worshiping Huey Lewis and the News and hangin' with the gayest group of business men on Wall Street. What's not to love? Oh, that whole serial killer thing ... doesn't bother me in the slightest.

The Psychos (Part 2)
Anthony Perkins (Psycho)

What can you say about the legendary lover of men Anthony Perkins and his crossdressing homicidal bedside manner that hasn't already been said? As Norman Bates he's a horror god.  Period.

The "Hot Tranny Mess"
Angela Baker (Sleepaway Camp)

The name Angela Baker is legen-wait for it-dary for one thing ... one little thing ... in horror history: she's a hot tranny murdering mess!

I was 12 when I first saw Sleepaway Camp and by that time I'd already heard so much scuttlebutt about the film's shock ending that when she was revealed as a he I didn't really know what was going on.  I think I rewound that beta tape a good 10 times before I fully realized Angela had a wiener and that she was really her brother Peter whom we all thought died years prior.  That final vision is gruesome and hilarious so I applaud Robert Hiltzik for blurring the gender lines and bringing us one hell of a memorable killer kid!

So there you have it — some horror hotties to get you through this Halloween weekend.  We invite you to share your favorite serial killers, victims, cartoon ghouls and stalkers in the comments section below!  Be safe, boys...