Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency Recap (Episode 3.5) "Jockstraps, Poker and Scars, Oh My!"

Nothing gayer than a pile of straight men, right?

Last night on The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency - wait, let's rewind shall we?

Hello AfterElton.com readers, I'm Dan (but you can call me Ducky). I'm a little crazy about TV but not nearly as crazy as Janice Dickinson (very few are and that's why we love her). Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency (JDMA) is the next best thing to having a live 24/7 video feed of Britneygate 2008 and I seriously can't get enough. This is my first JDMA recap so I hope you like it. All I ask is that you don't start throwing champagne bottles; we can't encourage Janice's behavior, right? Wonderful, on with the show!

Thankfully JDMA picks right up where it left off last week, and we don't miss a single moment of claw sharpening or over-whitened teeth baring as Janice continues to clash with designer Ashley Paige beach side. Am I the only one that thought Janice was trying to drown Ashley Paige at the end of the shoot? Please, that camera cut before they resurfaced so anything is possible. All I want to know is if anyone has seen Ashley Paige since? Do we need a search party? Who's bringing the wine and cheese for that sort of thing? And what does one wear for such an adventure ... are those arm floaties out of style?

It wouldn't be JDMA without Janice getting all "motherly" with her models and tonight is no exception. As we've all suspected for weeks now, the bruises and cuts all over the impossibly adorable Alexis are not your typical tomboy scrapes. Janice gets Alexis to admit that she became a cutter at the age of 14 and that her childhood was traumatic, to say the least. The large burn on her backside is not really from a car accident but from a curling iron.

I'm not going to lie, I was a little worried how she'd handle Alexis' issues because it's not beyond Janice to just tell her to suck it up and storm off in her 6 inch heels. Luckily, Janice takes the time to open up about her own issues with her father and her self destructive behaviors. It's actually a really touching moment until Janice takes the opportunity to pimp her book. Hello!

The teasers going into the commercial breaks keep tempting us with half naked male models in denim jockstraps and chaps so imagine my delight when the first thing we see coming out of the commercial is ... Janice's marble-mouthed son, Nathan.

Seriously, where's the skin?

The prodigal son has returned from what was surely a 3 week debaucherous bender through Amsterdam and it was not the educational museum excursion he would like his Mother to believe he had. I have a feeling it's a little more like the 4 minute Kip Pardue hyper experience (clip a little NSFW) from Rules of Attraction than anything else. 

Conveniently Nathan's going to visit his father who just happens to be Business Partners with Latina superstar J.Lo, whose new clothing line, Just Sweet, is looking for models. Funny how that worked out. Within days the Just Sweet folks are coming into the Agency for a "go-see" (which slays me because on this show it's always a "come to") and they pick Daria, Lisa and Ligia for an upcoming job.

We finally get some real drama when Janice shows up at a photo shoot vowing to just stand in the background observing. I barely blink and she is all up in Lakiska's grill, complaining that Crystal's too thin, telling the photographer what angle to shoot her models, and blabbering Daria's personal life all about the set. I mean if the girl wants to elope to Vegas with her Russian Car Salesman boyfriend Dmitry you don't need to be all judgey judge and ask if she's knocked up. She's assimilating to American culture. 

Who's ready for the boys? The cheeky client we've all been hearing about is Rufskin, who makes denim jeans and denim underwear. They're all the rage on construction sites, I wouldn't lie! I love how Janice describes the client:

"This is not your Daddy's clothing line. These guys are out and proud. It doesn't get gayer than this,  honey!" 

Well it's about time we got some mancandy tonight! Can I get a witness?

They ideally want two or three male models but you know Janice and Peter are going to upsell them, and they do. Janice marches out the meat and orders them to take off their shirts. One by one Rufskin peruses the merchandise and selects a handful to try on their denim gear.

It's Bulge City and Crack Alley once our boys start to squeeze themselves into assorted blur-inducing lowriders that would give assless chaps a run for their money. (As Janice herself puts it, "There's more crack here than in Whitney Houston's house!")  The jeans are so tight and low that Rufskin's chapstrap underwear (I don't know what else to call them) are visible. I can only imagine this is why straight men love seeing a woman's thong riding up and out of the back of pair of jeans ... I get it now!

It's the International Male catalogs of my closeted youth come to life! If I were a tween closeted gay male (or ... well, out and 30-something) you know I'd be DVR-ing some Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency and rewatching this scene until it blew my hard drive. Isn't technology grand?

Out model J.P. Calderon

Now of course this wouldn't be JDMA if there weren't a model refusing to try something on. This time it's our gay friend J.P. Calderon. Janice is boggled (as am I) by this revelation. J.P. is not a diva; he doesn't complain much and he looks slammin' in those chapstraps, so what's the issue?

Well, the issue is that J.P. thinks that Rufskin's outfits are too gay and he doesn't want to be stereotyped into only booking the gay jobs. I can understand his concern but showing disinterest and wanting to walk out on Janice in the middle of a casting is like walking into the Lion's Den. He's just lucky that she was still in a crackgazing haze and didn't pay him any mind.

In the end J.P. does some test shots and looks sexy as hell but doesn't book the job: Rufskin is all about Janice's straight male models, picking Danny, Michael, Maurice and Christian for the most homoerotic shoot to ever air on television.

Sadly, this week we are only given a brief glance at JDMA's gayest shoot to date. As the boys are painted into their denim, greased up, and booty tanned we learned that my newest TV Boyfriend Danny Nunez is willing to do anything for the job and my mind wanders ... Don't worry though; it's slapped back into place the moment as Janice descends onto the set. Remember what I said earlier about Janice and photoshoots? Seriously, these clients need to have a closed set because she's a ticking time bomb.

The atmosphere goes from the boys having a gay old time to Janice throwing champagne bottles across the studio. Did someone accidentally switch her setting to Naomi Campbell? Why the tantrum? Well, once again there's alcohol on the set and as history has proven, some of her models get a little wacky with the sauce. Given Janice's history with alcoholism she's vowed to never watch one of her models fall into the trappings of the fashion industry so she flips! Honorable, but making the biggest reality TV stink this side of Tyra chewing out Tiffany on Top Model might not be the way to win clients.

Next week I promise you we'll see Danny, Michael, Maurice and Christian in all sorts of compromising positions. Until then, here's a sneak peek at one of the incredibly hot shots:

Before I sign off for my first AfterElton.com recap I wanted to quickly mention that it wouldn't be one of the gayest episodes of JDMA without resident question mark Kehoe demanding he's straight. It's Model's Poker Night at Chris Jones' house and it appears that traditional clothing is optional. He greets the models (both new and old) in nothing but skin tight white undies that Crystal gave him. It's hot, it's Poker Night and the man wants to be comfortable, so who are we to judge? I thought it would be fun to count the gratitious underwear shots but I lost count after 11.

Kehoe's shirtless, drunk, and demanding that he and roomie Grant are just buddies. "Grant and I are straight best friends; we're BFF's!" I can't tell you how many times I've heard NFL hottie Tom Brady use the term "BFF." It's honestly the most heterosexual saying there is  ... if you're a 12 year old girl.

That's all for me. Let me know what you thought of last night's hyper homo photo shoot, Brian Kehoe's protestations and the hysteria that is The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency.