Asshat Smackdown! for June 17, 2009

You might be familiar with our regular Friday feature, Battle of the Network Gays, where we ask you to crown the Gay of the Week.

You folks seem to enjoy crowning people a lot. Hence our new feature: Asshat Smackdown!

Every Wednesday we'll ask you to select from a current crop of schmucks, jerks, demagogues and harpies to see who is most deserving of the week's coveted Asshat Crown! We'll announce the results right here on the blog on Friday, and that asshat will reign supreme until a new challenger is crowned the following week.

Curious to know more about the challengers this week!? Check them out after the break, and vote for your favorite!

This week's contenders:

1. Gene Simmons of KISS.

The man who 1) claims to have slept with over 1000 women; 2) once told Terry Gross of Fresh Air; "If you want to welcome me with open arms, I'm afraid you have to welcome me with open legs.", 3) Had a VH1 reality show called Gene Simmons' Family Jewels, and 4) appeared in a sex tape released in 2008 .... actually had the nerve last week to say this of Adam Lambert:

"He [Lambert] should have kept his mouth shut about his sexual preferences. I don't really care what he wants to do and neither does America. But this kid's got talent, Adam Lambert can go on. As long as he's quiet about whatever else he prefers to do indoors. I personally don't care, I mean if you love farm animals, that's fine, but I don't wanna read a magazine about that." 

2. The Obama Administration and the DOJ.

Attorney General Eric Holder (left) with Pres. Obama

Last Friday the Department of Justice filed a brief in a federal lawsuit contesting the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) as unconstitutional. The required answer brief could have weakly defended the suit on procedural grounds. But instead the government's reply brief went virulently anti-gay, raising factually incorrect arguments that, if accepted by the court hearing the case, would very likely damage future attempts to secure gay rights. The cruel irony is that Obama promised during the Presidential campaign that he would work to repeal DOMA. Instead, his administration is very actively defending it.

3. Carrie Prejean. Last week emails were leaked of correspondence between the beauty queen and her former boss, the director of Miss California, Keith Lewis. In the emails, Lewis comes off as the consummate professional, while Prejean reveals herself to be even more obnoxious, megalomaniacal and dimwitted than we imagined. 

Carrie Prejean (left) and Levi Johnston on The Tyra Banks Show

4. Levi Johnston. The "Thrillah from Wasilla" is hellbent on making it in Hollywood and has hired himself a bodyguard-slash-manager named Tank Jones to help him navigate tinseltown's shark infested (i.e. gay) waters...

Like the time Levi appeared on The Tyra Banks Show, with his mother and sister, and had to get his hair and makeup done, Tank had to remind Levi to relax.

“That was the worst,” Levi tells me. “I had some dude singing to me, the whole time. He was real happy. Calling me ‘baby’ and all that. I kept my mouth shut.”

“I told him, you’re going to meet all different types of people,” interjects Tank. “Don’t overreact. Nobody’s going to hurt you. You gotta be accepting of all different types of people. You’re talking about dealing with Hollywood? You’re going to really meet some strange people.” [from The Daily Beast]

Hilariously, to help Levi cope with all these "strange people" together they've developed a sort of alter ego for Levi called "Ricky Hollywood." (Me, I'm imagining something like Garth Brook's glam rocker persona, Chris Gaines) Unlike good old boy Levi, this Ricky Hollywood character will be perfectly comfortable wearing sequined jackets, pink fedoras, and bedazzled t-shirts that read "Go Girl!"

Vote for your favorite asshat by 8 AM EDT on Friday, June 20. And be sure to check back Friday afternoon to see which asshat our readers have carried to glory! Note: Write-in candidates (other than AfterElton.com staff!) are encouraged.