GLBT Families Invited to Annual White House Easter Egg Roll? Don't Do It!

Last year the Obama administration made a special point of inviting GLBT families to attend the White House Easter Egg Roll. No word yet on whether they'll be repeating that gesture of inclusiveness. But regardless, before any gay family (or indeed any family) plans this holiday adventure in our nation's capitol, they should be aware of a few things.

There's the White House website's "official" general information page for the event, sure, but that's just government propaganda! For the real skinny on the White House Easter Egg Roll experience, my friend Karman Kregloe and I put together a helpful guide...

General Information
The annual White House Easter Egg Roll is the Monday after Easter, April 5, 2010, from 10 a.m. until 2 p.m. This is a public event, and advanced reservations are not possible. This is an inexplicably popular event. Be prepared to wait in line. Children who pass out from exposure or heat exhaustion will automatically forfeit their citizenship and place in line.

It is probably advisable to skip this event altogether.

Tickets
Children ages three through six, accompanied by at least one adult, are admitted to the south lawn for the egg roll. To reduce the hours spent waiting in line, stay home. A word of caution — unattended children will be randomly shot and buried in a mass grave in the Rose Garden. Free, timed tickets are distributed from the National Park Service Visitor Pavilion at the southwest corner of 15th and E Streets. Every person, even the smallest child or fertilized embryo, requires a ticket to enter the south lawn.  Once guests receive a timed ticket, they can aimlessly wander the Ellipse to enjoy aimless activities there until the time on the ticket. 

Theme and Activities
The Easter celebration on the Ellipse, the park area south of the White House, features herd-like activities and entertainment that panders to the lowest common denominator (which, in this case, is 3-year-olds). No tickets are needed for the Ellipse activities, which include musical entertainment, food giveaways, story telling, and other not so fun things to do. Raffi will be burned in effigy.  

Directions
Stay home.  If you must attend, on-street parking is not available near the White House. Use of public transportation is strongly encouraged, though you are likely to be mugged or otherwise accosted. Most public restrooms will be closed for maximum discomfort. The single "presidential porta-potty" will be much in demand and overflowing with human waste. We recommend you hold it until you get home. Or better yet, stay home altogether. 

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