Liveblogging "As the World Turns": Connubial diss!

Greetings Nuke fans. I'm afraid I have some very bad news — and no, it's not Noah's decision (foretold in yesterday's previews) to make an honest woman out of Ameera — it's the unfortunate fact that Brian Juergens has the day off today, leaving me to try and fill his snarky shoes for this latest liveblog installment. My apologies in advance, as this is going to be a pale imitation of his usual stellar work — but I'll do my best! Now if I can just sort out who "Quaker Oats Lady," "Lady Drumstick," "Austin from Days," and the like are. Uh, I think this liveblog thing could be a trainwreck.

When last we left Nuke and Ameera they had just fled the Oakdale U. sock hop with homeland security agents hot on their heels. Those fed fellas are hard to shake and show up at the Snyder farm to take Ameera into custody. It's enough to make the girl lose her usual Sunni disposition.

Looks like just registering as a college student is not going to be enough to keep Ameera from being deported. That might work with a properly accredited school, but Oakdale U. diplomas apparently aren't worth the tar paper they're printed on. No, more drastic measures are required...

Let's see how all this plays out shall we? Oh yeah, and we'll probably have some more of that cutrate Howdy Doody, Cowboy Jack today. Click on through and refresh often for today's liveblog....

Previews for next week: Somebody is in a car trunk. Ooh goody.

2:55 EST: Quaker Oats Lady's bathroom, she's screaming for Jack. Either she's clogged the toilet again or it's another damn Cowboy Jack doll. It's a doll. Seems like you throw a nickel in Oakdale these days and you'll hit one.

2:50 EST: Luke and Noah tell Ameera that she's gonna be a bride - "In name only!" Luke emphasizes. Now they just have to get the little lady registered at Pottery Barn.

2:45 EST: Back at Quaker Oats Lady's house. She goes off to take a shower and Jack heads to the kitchen for a beer. A bloodcurdling scream is heard. If there's another Cowboy Jack doll in the bathtub I'm gonna be pissed.

2:41 EST: Noah tells Lily and Holden that he's going to marry Ameera. Luke actually asks them for their blessing. Uh, has anybody run this whole marriage thiing by Ameera yet?

2:36 EST: Luke tells Noah he thinks marrying Ameera is his way of "going back in the closet." Noah vehementrly denies it.

Luke: Just answer me one thing. Do you love me?
Noah: More than you will ever know.

They move in for a languid kiss hug. Gosh, I really thought they were gonna kiss there for a second. Boy am I an eternal optimist or what?

2:33 EST: Matt is trying to explain to Tom and Detective Starling about why he lied about being an ex-con and who helped him to get the charges against Casey dropped. I wish he'd come clean about that bad perm of his.

2:30 EST: Q.A.L. and Jack get home from the strip mall and Jack notices he's still being cruised by the plain-clothes policeman that Detective Starling put on his tail.

2:22 EST: Out at the Snyder farm Noah pulls Luke outside and tells him he's gonna marry Ameera to save her from being deported. Luke's not taking it so well. Cheer up Luke, you can be the best man.

2:18 EST: That hotty Matt is arguing with the blonde girl with the unfortunate highlights. She still wants to know what he did to get the charges against Casey dropped. He won't spill the beans. Tom, Casey and Margo show up and unfortunate highlight girl rats out Matt.

2:15 EST: Oh, this is rich, Quaker Oats Lady is "At the Mall", only it's a low-budget strip mall - I mean, there's a Dollar Store in the background. Q.A.L. gets in her car and finds yet another Cowboy Jack doll in the back seat! Ha, ha! How many of those damn dolls does Kit have? They must be selling them at the Dollar Store.

2:14 EST: Homeland Security Bldg. - The feds drop the hammer on Ameera and tell her she's gonna be deported unless a blood relative or "spouse" can sponsor her. Hmm.

2:11 EST: Back to the police station where Casey, Tom and Margo are trying to figure out why the "assaluting a federal agent" charges were dropped. Says Tom, "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth."

2:08 EST: Quaker Oats Lady is shooing Jack and Parker out of the house so she can head out on her own to the mall. Me, I think she wants to spend some alone time with Cowboy Jack.

2:03 EST: Luke, Noah, Ameera, Holden and Lily are all down Oakdale's local Department of Homeland Security. The feds explain that they mistook Ameera for a known terrorist. (Your federal tax dollars at work!) Lily asks if, now that they got that misunderstanding cleared up, they can they take the little lady back to the farm. Say the feds: "Not so fast!"

2:00 EST: Off we go with Casey Hughes in lockdown at the cardboard set they call the police station. Uh, he's supposed to be an ex-con. Seems like he'd be much more at home in a chorus line than a chain gang. His mom, Detective Starling (aka Margo Hughes) storms in and tells him what a bad boy he's been. Casey tells her he's sorry, but he can't go back to jail. Turns out he doesn't have to. The charges against him have been mysteriously dropped.

Cut to some girl I don't know or care about (Allison maybe?) grilling that hotty, Matt about how he managed to get the charges against Casey dropped. Sounds like Matt still has friends in the big house!