Liveblogging "As the World Turns": The Silence of the Mamms

Today Luke leaves all the amateurish sleuthing to TV's most inept Police Chief, Margo Hughes, (a.k.a. Detective Clarice). How will she fare when she interposes herself between psycho Colonel Mayer (a.k.a. Hannibal Pervy) and the heaving man mammaries of Riley Morgan?  

Rumors are that someone gets shot today. To find out who takes some hot lead follow along below, refreshing often for breaking updates.

2:00 PM EDT: We're at the coffee shop and the boys have new hair!. Luke also has a plan to sneak onto the army base to help Noah with filming his documentary. I'm picturing him in a wig and a WAC uniform - channeling his best Diana Prince.  Perhaps that's what Noah envisions because he tells Luke he's not so sure he should try sneaking onto the base.

Manhooters shows up and tells them to sit tight, he needs to check with Lieutenant Hasbro (aka Captain Pervy in disguise). BTW, Manhooters is in yet another knit shirt - this one a bright egg cream color. Does the man have anything in his wardrobe other than polo shirts? Not that I'm complaining.

2:02 PM EDT: Quaker Oats Lady has whiskey on her breath, but she's trying to convince her hunky ex-hubby that there's no liquor in the house. Yeah, right. Her new fiance, Craig. (Uh when the hell did that happen?) backs her up.  

Craig puts a halt to Matthew Perry 2.0's house search before he can find Carly's stash of Vanilla extract in the kitchen cupboard.

2:05 PM EDT: Meanwhile, over at the diner Parker (geez that kid is cute- and tan!) is bonding with his Aunt Rosanna. He doesn't tell her his Mom is a lush.

2:15 PM EDT: Manhooters is in Captain Pervy's criminal lair explaining that Luke and Noah won't be dissuaded - they're coming together to the army base! Pervy says that can't happen or he'll be exposing Manhooters! Er, as a fraud.

SIDE NOTE: Sorry about the broken URL confusion - my bad. (Our front page caches for like a half hour so it's not an easy fix.) Stuff like this would never happen to Brian. 

2:17 PM EDT: Riley calls Noah and spins a story that he might be able to get Luke onto the army base,  but first Noah has to meet with Hasbro alone. Luke thinks that's suspicious - there's the smell of toaster strudel in the air. Time to break out that Diana Prince costume!

2:24 PM EDT: Ooh Quaker Oats Lady is taking a nip of the vanilla extract!

2:25 PM EDT: Montage moments - Butters gets a letter from the VA, cut to Pervy giving Riley his marching orders - "bring Noah to the base alone!" - Butters charges into the Lilly pad and waves a picture of the REAL Riley Morgan around. The real Riley is dead and/or looks a bit like Jon Cryer. FWIW, I think I prefer the fake one.

2:30 PM EDT: With Manhooters eavesdropping outside, Butters spins his theory that Manhooters is pulling a scam on his mother. Noah interjects in disbelief. "Why go after your parents" It's not like they're millionaires." Ooh, low blow Mayer, particularly since you've hitched your wagon to a Grimaldi trust fund baby.

2:31 PM EDT: More of this Quaker Oats Lush storyline. Craig asks Roseanna to move in with them. MP2.0 tries to get Parker and his little sister to move in with him. Dammit Janet purses her Restylane filled lips in the background.

2:35 PM EDT: Butters and the boys head down to the police station to drop a dime on the fake Riley. Detective Clarice is sarcastic when they come in: "Doing some more amateur sleuthing, boys? That didn't work out so well for you last time." Oh, I SO hope she's the one that gets shot today.

2:43 PM EDT:  Pervy's office. His cammo fatigues are a bit much. THis is supposed to be an army base in Illinois, not the Mekong Delta. Pervy reaches into his desk and pulls out a nasty looking glock, or winchester, 357 magnum or something. What do I know about guns.

2:50 PM EDT: Cut to Manhooters frantically packing his enitre knit shirt collection to make a speedy getaway, now that he's been found out as a fraud. He's almost out the door when he decides to stop and leave a goodbye note. You know, he might have mailed a postcard from the airport....

2:52 PM EDT: More Quaker Oats Lady nippage.

2:53 PM EDT: Pervy burst in on Manhooters points his gun at him. He's clearly about to shoot when Detective Clarice comes in behind and tells him to drop his weapon. Pervy turns his head and Det. Clarice - in shock at seeing Pervy alive - lowers her gun! Lowers her frigging gun. Honestly, this woman deserves to be shot. She's the most absurdly inept law enforcement officer ever.

Pervy whips the gun around and blasts her with an underarm shot. (That guy really needs to wear deodorant)

Manhooters and Riley wrestle for the gun and Riley manages to shoot Pervy in the gut- either that or Pervy needs to empty his colostomy bag. 

Manhooters scoops Detective Clarice up in his arms. "Please don't die Mom." 

PREVIEWS:  Detective Clarice tells Butters that fake Riley is actually his brother, Adam, and Pervy, still bleeding from the gut, collars Noah by his backpack. Looks like good stuff on Monday!