Mores for Gays video blog (Ep. 8): Those three little words

For gentlemen of my generation asking "Are you gay?" was rarely done in that it implied political commitment. What we wanted was to hit a Home Run. And in that scenario asking "Are you gay?" was besiden the point once you got the object of your affection in bed -- or in a sling (as the case might be). And you know what? Even after the two of you have spent the entire night doin' it were the question "Are you gay?" posed the answer might well be a firm loud "NO!!!"

These days you might well get a backsliding "I'm really bisexual" (when that's not the case) or worse still "I don't believe in labels."

Chaque a son GOO!

I was about to add a yeah but two or three times while watching this, but then you just went on to cover what I was going to say.

This topic may seem to some like a minor one, but I've found it to be a significant hurdle. And I know I've never enjoyed being on the receiving end of the question -- even if I was sorta interested in the person asking it. So thanks, Daniel!

But I have heard that years ago (not sure how many) but the question a gay man asked another man to find out if he is gay was "Are you a friend of Dorothy's". This way if the man said who's Dorothy or no I don't know any Dorothy then the gay man would know he is straight and not pursue it and apologize for mistaking him for someone else. If the man responded "yes I am a friend of Dorothy's" then that would be the signal that he is gay.

Another one used was "Are you in the family?". Straights would not understand this either and look at you funny but would not think anything of it other than you're crazy. As for the friend of Dorothy, this was because of Judy Garland and her role of Dorothy in the Wizard of OZ.

I believe this was in the 50s or 60s.

 

Live Long and Prosper

I'm so glad that I have not yet needed to ask that question. Usually when I need to figure out if a guy is gay is to go through friends. One, that makes me comfortable to ask the friend and socialize with his group of friends. And also, it somewhat avoids the awkwardness. BUT, if you are alone it does makes sense that asking if someone is gay makes it awkward regardless if they are or not. 

For me though, I like it when guys are blunt and to the point. Makes life awkward. But hey, I create awkwardness. I do agree on the asking a question if there is a purpose. 

Best quote "Are you... black?"

 

Fantastic. 

You know the concept of Don't Ask, Don't Tell. This situation of finding out who is and who isn't requires the reverse. Tell and then Ask.

If you ask "Are you gay?" you put the other person in a defensive posture because they do not know why you are asking. And if you are one of the many gay guys who are not easily detected yourself, it makes it all the harder (no pun intended). It is better to frame the question in a way where you explain the reason for asking while asking... ask him "If I asked you out, would you say yes?" or say "I'd like to ask you out but I don't know whether you'd be interested?" or "Would you like to go out to dinner and a movie sometime?" - these kinds of questions let him know that you are not the local gay-basher seeking a target with "Are you gay?". You can also say "I know this guy who would like to ask you out, would you be interested?" and if he says sure, then say "Hi, I'm that guy."

And don't forget a compliment can go a long way in smoothing over any awkward situation, for instance: "Yeah, it's always difficult to tell if good-looking (or well-dressed or in-shape or charming or handsome [pick any positive adjective]) guys are available or not."

Daniel, I love your "Mores for Gays", and YOU. Brilliant! Keep them coming!

I especially liked when you said "Are you...black?"  Frequently, I'm asked "What is your "background"?  This is usually a politically correct way of asking "Are you black?" For some reason, I find this slightly offensive because I feel that if a guy's interested in me then my ethnicity shouldn't matter, and if it does matter I'm not interested in them.  They can find out my "background" if/when we get beyond a first date.

Daniel, I have another topic for you (further expounding on this topic):  "Are you a top or bottom?" I have a friend who asks this of potential sex partners within minutes of meeting them.  If they give the wrong response, he moves on to the next guy. Needless to say, he doesn't get many first dates. LOL!

 

 

I don't find myself in that position all that often, but my favorite method is to nonchalantly drop into the conversation some comment that makes it clear I'm gay myself.  For example, I might say that I moved to southwest Minneapolis a couple of years ago, and then add that one reason was that it's such a gay friendly neighborhood.  Or if it's anywhere on either side of Pride weekend I could drop in some comment about going to that.  Or a gay film festival or something.  That way, if the other guy is gay and interested he has a safe opening.  And if he's gay and NOT interested, then there's no awkwardness about having to turn me down.

For what it's worth, I personally have no problem with someone asking me if I'm gay.  Unless it's a hulking monstrosity with a woman in one hand and a light beer in the other!

were he to ask (highly unlikely as my gayness is clearly observable from as far away as the space shuttle) my answer would be "NOW I am! My place or yours?"

Newly out, having gone over it with old friends I was at a party and met a cute young straight couple after a while the girl asked "are you straight?". It was disarming to have the question reversed like that. She explained that straight guys don't mind answering yes and gay guys don't mind saying NO and the guys on the fence, or closeted are happier saying yes than no. Now she was european and more open than most people, but I continue to think we should ask more straight people to say it out loud and declare their sexuality. It's what makes coming out cathartic and liberating. The more people say simply "I'm straight" the less threatened they should be by others simple declaration of orientation.

when people go to me, are you gay? (due to my colourful clothes and quirky european manner) I normally go "NO!" and just when they recover from the awkwardness I go, "yer...I like both" Especially funny when the person is just confused from the mixed signals I tend to give (not on purpose.)

 

But I do love the asking "are you straight?" and have been doing so for a while, I normally make it clear that I'm not completely straight(depending on the ambiguity of the crowd) and it normally works. Except with those "straight" guys in England, and some of continential Europe who may have had sex with men, but are "not gay/bi"

One time this guy, who seemed interested, asked me if I was "the kind of guy who wouldn't wear white after labor day." I laughed and then proved my gayness to him privately.

And you give some sound advice Dennis - cutting to the chase with the real question is almost always the best.

The only confusing part, as Sean noted above, is the STRAIGHT boys who may still be "interested".  Because as we all know, "gay" is not just a sexual act, its an identity statement.  The number of guys who in NO way self-identify as "gay" but would still love to get or give some is truly mind boggling.  As someone who had a propensity for falling for the straight-but-curious hotties, I tell ya that can take some extra finessing.  

I also like to ask "are you straight?"

And if anyone gets offended by the asking, I can usually diffuse it by saying "Sorry, i just assume everyone is gay until proven otherwise." 

DENNIS, your vlog is great content and presentation.  Your eyebrows are so expressive I think they should get a spin-off series.