Daytime Drive By (August 7, 2009)

That couch finally tells all it knows. Can Adam handle it?

Having trouble keeping up with the many gay boys cropping up on U.S. daytime soaps these days? We're here to help with our new regular feature Daytime Drive By, where we give you the rundown on Luke, Rafe, Fish and all the rest of the gay gang. Look for DDB whenever we don't have a liveblog and something gay happens on daytime television that you just have to know about!

Schadenfreude is generally amusing, and while I swore I wasn't watching Y&R until I saw a homo, I'm led to believe Adam's dabbling in heteroflexibility is going to bite him on his firmly muscled butt today. I hear it's actually soaptastic, over-the-top brilliant.

Also, Luke has to choose between Holden, who raised and loved him for 20+ years, and the sperm donor Italian who once tried to have him degayed. Will he choose wisely? Will you care if it doesn't involve Kish?

Genoa City

Blah, blah kleptomaniac. Nicholas in a white t-shirt gets a visit from his sister, who really just wants to complain about her husband not being obedient to her father’s whims. If she doesn’t  want him…

Tired of J.T.? I'll take him. No need to wrap him up.

Ashley calling Victor out on his God-complex. Armies of therapists have looked at The Great Victor Newman’s (TGVN)  life and run the other way – does Ashley really think her milkshake is all that?

Lightning flashes, so we know something spooky or evil is going to happen at the ranch. Ashley says she’s going to take a sedative so that she’s more susceptible to whatever silliness is about to happen.

This is classic soap opera goodness at the Newman Ranch – we have Ashley, Victor’s current wife, drugged and asleep. The ghost of Sabrina, his last wife, is stalking her dreams. And Nikki, first and always wife just walked in the front door of the supposedly secure ranch, and professed her undying love for Victor.

My Three Wives. 

Adam is hiding on the stairs, eavesdropping, btw.

Paul’s crying in the chapel about Nikki still loving Victor and being left at the altar. In walks Heather, who I always forget is his daughter. He didn’t call her to tell her she doesn’t have to wear an ugly bridesmaid dress, but to talk about Adam.

Honey! Good news, you don't need to wear the dress. Bad news, your boyfriend's gay.

Ashley comes down the stairs, looking for Victor, because she thinks his dead wife is coming to steal him. Victor has run after Nikki, who is walking through the woods in the rain, since her plot device, err, cab, left without her.

Ashley is terrified and grabs her car keys and goes flying out the door. Adam watches her go out the door with that spooky grin of his, and says “Right. Over. The Edge.” (punctuation his)

Not quite this dramatic, but likely only because of budget.

Heather storms into the ranch screaming “You’re gay?!?!” It’s totally comical, so over the top, I can’t even begin to describe it. Adam’s all “I would know if I’m gay or not.” And she realizes Rafe had also tried to warn her. She offers to call Rafe for his opinion on which way Adam swings.

Oh, snap – she calls someplace and asks for Rafe. Adam cops to “What happened with Rafe was a one time deal and it could never happen again.  I am not homosexual. Or bi. This experiment thing was a first and a last.”

I'm reusing the picture, because I didn't know how accurate it was when I made it.

She shrieks (I’m telling you, I’m really warming to this actress.)  She’s “You cheated on me. With a man. Am I supposed to turn away and pretend that that’s not the biggest red flag imaginable? And not just that you’re on the down low, but that you’re incapable of being faithful.” I gotta give it to her, she sells this.

I sent Squirrelly to the Y&R set to move the plot along, since I was getting bored.

From Adam, once she’s gone, we get “Damn you Nikki.” In a voice that chills me to the bone.

And finally, we see Nikki standing in the road in a hooded raincoat, Ashley driving like wild woman, a swerve, and…previews!

We'll probably be back for more fallout, but first we gotta take a trip to visit our other gay hunks. While we're driving, consider:

• If Heather could always act like this, why haven't we seen it? That was brilliantly soapy!
• Is Adam so evil now he can cause Nikki physical harm with his Jedi mind powers?
• Since everyone thinks Adam is gay now, how long until they plan a blind (yep, I said it) date for him with Phillip?

Llanview

All the Kish goodness is over in the liveblog snicks hosted.

Oakdale

Pretty Pretty Princess Luke enters Java and announces he’s going on a trip with his dad. Noah says he knows about the horse farm trip with Holden. Luke says other daddy – he’s got a luxury cruise ship instead of smelly old horses. And no, he hasn’t told Holden yet.

Looks like a pretty good trip to me.

Holy cow! They paid Emma Snyder to appear. Lily asks her to watch her kids, but she says that paying her to be on the show twice in one month isn’t possible. She also says Meg can’t help, since she’s cruisin’ with Damien.

But then again, fancy yachts and cruise ships have their appeal.

Noah calls Luke out on putting Holden second to Damien. Luke doesn’t see choosing one trip over the other as choosing a favorite dad, but Noah plugs away at breaking through his selfish shield

Barbara is having Ice Truck Killer forcibly committed to looney bin by two of the most stereotypical psych ward orderlies I’ve ever seen. I wonder if they’re typecast?

Luke says the trip is work, and he has to go, with selling the cruise ship being kind of important. Noah tells him Holden isn’t going to see it as work, he’s going to take it personally, but since Luke’s mind is made up, he caves. Smarter than he looks.

As Luke storms out, knocking over a candy dish, natch, enter Professor Mason for Noah to vent to.

If they don't quit hinting at this instead of doing it, I'm going to get mad.

Holden enters the Lily pad all excited about the trip and doing some riding. Luke drops the cruise ship bomb, and uses fancy business words like “forward strategy” so Holden lets him off the hook – work is work. Lily continues her jealous rage.

Holden acts like Holden: mature, calm. Lily acts like the crazy jealous bitch that she is.

Mason does the exposition thing about Luke having two dads, one a horse farmer, one an international businessman with a shady past. He then asks the billion dollar question: Which one is Luke turning into? Noah refuses to commit – says he’ll be whatever makes him happy.

But which one does Luke want to play with?

Damien starts telling Luke the trip may be off, the ship has some malfunctions. Luke thinks, as he always does, that the postponement is about him. Damien assures him it’s not about Luke and his dad.

Emily has smuggled Paul out in a giant pet carrier, and left a rawhide bone on the bed in his place in The World's Least Secure Hospital. 

Luke walks into Java and explains that his cruise is canceled, but he doesn’t know if he can still go with Holden. Noah asks him what he wants to do, which is the only think Luke ever does anyway. He decides to go to Kentucky.

Lily and Damien fight about what they’re fighting about, nose to nose like they tend to do.And it finally happens.

I was wondering when they were gonna get busy.

Previews! Henry is actually a Stenbeck! Holden, wearing what looks to be a park ranger uniform, drives Fred Sanford’s truck over a cliff, using footage from an old film for the cliff moment. Until we come back to Oakdale, consider:

• Noah was always passive, but has he completely given up being Luke’s Jimminy Cricket?
• Is Luke's guilt going to drive him into Noah's arms, or drive Noah into Mason's?
• Could they let this plot play out over more than a week?