Squirrelly was sent looking for OLTL's missing hoyay. Luke missed Brody's abs.

Having trouble keeping up with the many gay boys cropping up on U.S. daytime soaps these days? We're here to help with our new regular feature Daytime Drive By, where we give you the rundown on Luke, Rafe, Fish and all the rest of the gay gang. Look for DDB whenever we don't have a liveblog and something gay happens on daytime television that you just have to know about!

On Y&R we find out why Adam's taken to cutting himself, wonder when Noah got so hot (actor is 20), and try and figure out What Ever Happened to Mary Jane.

Meanwhile, over on One Life To Live, they bring back an actor that makes Rex's performance look subdued and nuanced. Ouch!

Genoa City

Despite having been in a fuchsia negligee and matching turban, followed by a brown wrap dress as she delivered flowers, Mary Jane is back in the hat and overcoat, hanging out at the dive bar, eavesdropping on her brother who got left at the altar.

Adam is totally wigging Ashley out about hitting Sabrina with the car, convincing Ashley that Sabrina is still alive, and that all these sightings can’t be coincidence. Then he calms her with a hug just as dear old daddy Victor walks in.

All this plotting has really made Adam look younger. Evil is the fountain of youth!

Chance comes home from the shortest first day of work on record, and Nina comments on it. Then she comments on him having a crush on Chloe, and what a bad idea that would be, seeing how Chloe is the new Nina. Maybe he ought to listen.

Chloe called Mac a slut. Snap! No beating around the bush with that one. Mac counters by telling Chloe to quit trying to whore her out to Chance.

In a very strange development, Gloria and Jeffery are working at Crimson Lights. And Gloria gets more of a day shift stripper look to her every time I see her. I want her and Roxy to be friends.

Adam tears up and dirties some of Sabrina’s old clothes that are still inexplicably hanging around in order to create the CSI-grade accident scene.

Chance may get his chance (I had to go there) with Chloe, as he walks into Crimson Lights and Chloe outs Mac and Billy to him. It’s like he realizes somebody left keys to a Ferrari on the table.

Since she's on the rebound, she might not question his past.

Ashley’s freaking out because Victor thinks she ought to take a trip and relax. Wait until she finds out her brothers want to have her committed. The Newman grandkids wind her up by wanting to have a funeral for Zapato.

Holy cow! Mary Jane goes to confession. She doesn’t seem to realize the other half of the box has her other brother, the priest, sitting in it. The priest asks Mary Jane what “unforgiveable things” she’s done. She mentions not being kind to animals. Cut back to dog funeral. Subtle.

Noah is looking smokin’ hot today, and I just found out the actor is 20. Ha! I’m not a pervert. So Pedobear can go home.

Noah Newman, then and now (actor, not character). I wouldn't wear shirts either.

Mary Jane goes on confessing to the priest about her lying, adultery, and being unkind. She says she never hurt anyone on purpose, but sometimes “things happen.”

Victor gets a phone call telling him that the poison that killed the dog wasn’t the same kind the gardeners use. He then vows to the dog’s grave that “the woman who did this will not go unpunished.”

Jack and Billy arrive to attempt to rescue Ashley from Victor’s evil clutches. This. Can’t. End. Well.

Besides, it totally messes up Adam’s plan, and he’s gone through the trouble of slicing his leg open to bleed on the dress.

Victor calls his goons, who pretend like they might physically throw Jack and Billy out. No word on why they let them on the ranch in the first place. The teens enter, and the Abbotts decide not to cause any more of a scene and leave.

This particular punch by Noah may or may not be from today's show. I wish it was.

Mary Jane has all but confessed her identity to her brother, who remains clueless despite the fact that she’s actually quoting their mother. And mentioning that she has a brother who’s a priest in Detroit. He finally gets a clue, but figuring he's dumber than a post, she’s already gone.

Chance comforts Chloe, Billy makes out with Mac, Jeffery overhears Mary Jane's scoop, and Paul gets the call from his brother that their sister is in town and in trouble.

This...

...is why Chance gets to do this:

Mary Jane tries drinking the creamer on the counter at Crimson Lights, and Gloria recognizes her, but pretends not to. She sits her down with the promise of food.

Adam gives Ashley the bloody clothing, which he says is from the car’s bumper. She freaks.

I’m getting tired of how big this storyline is getting.  Every single character on the show is connected to Mary Jane’s storyline. Surely this has to end soon, right? Hopefully by Thursday? Until our next stop in crazy town, consider:

• Why does no one who's ever met Mary Jane ever notice the crazy lady dressed for January in August?
• Was it really necessary to rope Gloria and Jeffery into this plot, too? Wasn't 85% of the cast enough?
• The actor who plays Noah answers fan mail via video blogs, walking around his neighborhood shirtless.There is more than one. Should this be required by law for all soap actors? 

Llanview

It seems to be about Matthew in the wheelchair, and hating Tea Delgado today. Tea can get Todd into bed, but not out of his clothes. Blair, the blond lady that Todd often sleeps with out of spite, hires Rex (Rex works? I never knew that) to find out what Tea’s hiding. That fancy lawyer, Elijah, knows some dirt. And didn’t someone recently try and blow her up?

Rex wears a shirt to meet with clients. This is why Rex shouldn't work.

Somebody named David also showed up professing love for Dorian, and she seemed to get the vapors from his mere presence. Evidently his character is an actor in a hemorrhoid commercial? She catches him up on the happenings around town, which involves explaining several character storylines in rapid succession.

I’ve said this before: Soap operas should not do plot reviews on air, it reminds you how ridiculous these things are.

And this David person could give Rex, and for that matter, William Shatner, a run for their money in overacting. Then it’s revealed he’s doing a reality show, and has it all on tape.

The actor playing David could give Shatner lessons on mugging for the camera.

Dorian pulls out the garden hose and sprays down the camera man while screaming maniacally for security. These rich people with personal security on their fancy homes really need to call Brinks or something because whoever they’re using sucks. 

Pretty, but dumb Rex has a conscience, and wants to know Blair’s motive for investigating Tea, and what she intends to do with the information he digs up. He doesn’t want to be part of anything unethical. Like sleeping with his babymomma's sister.

Rex would never do anything rash or unethical.

Evidently David thinks Dorian would be into a reality show, and appeals to her vanity, which works until she realizes they aren’t live. She then goes all Sean Penn on the camera man, shrieking for them to get out. She does this really well and is obviously a soap veteran.You can always tell by the histrionics.

Dorian doesn't seem to want to be a reality star...

Blair gets pissy about Rex questioning her, and decides she’ll hire someone else. Once he realizes he has a another kid on the way, and mortgages on two fabulous homes to pay, Rex takes the job – but she makes him apologize first: “I’m sorry I questioned your motives, nice lady person.” Blair: “Well you can start digging, good looking boy.”

She’s got a breathy, southern thing going on when she says it. Kinda hot.

Rex spends an awful lot of time staring at the front door wondering what just happened.

OK, we don't visit our boys until later this week, but when I've got some space, I'm going to try and cover some Llanview happenings, so people can figure out what's going on in the B-story on Kish days because I never know myself as this is a new soap for me. Until our boys are back on the sidewalk, discuss:

• Where did the hoyay go? Rex hasn't been naked, dripping and toe to toe with another guy in weeks.
• Can the show handle another ham actor if he's not as pretty as the one they have? 
• I know this Matthew kid is a Buchanan, and therefore central to the show, but I dislike almost everyone he was onscreen with today. Can the operation not go well so this can end?
• Is the wardrobe person for Dorian a drag queen?