Daytime Drive By (September 3, 2009)

Luke was here first! Daytime owes him a hot naked dude.

Having trouble keeping track of the many gay boys cropping up on U.S. daytime soaps these days? We're here to help with our new semi-regular feature Daytime Drive By, where we give you the rundown on Luke, Rafe, Fish and all the rest of the gay gang. Look for DDB whenever we don't have a liveblog and something gay happens on daytime television that you just have to know about!

Today we have a surprise appearance by Phillip (and bigger surprise, a facial expression) on The Young and The Restless. Then I take us on to Llanview for Officer Fish' day at work, and Cristian's first day with his new mother. Buckle up, because it was more fun than we expected.

And if you're looking for the Oakdale happenings, snicks slummed it in a liveblog today.

The Young and the Restless

Chloe is in Crimson Lights when Phillip III enters, planning to meet with Nina. She asks him if he’s proud of Chance, for screwing up the arrest of Mary Jane/Patty. She suggests telling Chance might be a good parenting move.

Shockingly, Crimson Lights didn't implode from all the love.

Nina arrives and warns Phillip that Chloe is trouble, and her being a former pot, she totally knows what color that kettle is.

Phillip tries to play proud papa, and sounds like the writers of The Cosby Show did the dialog. And looks like Nina is about to use Phillip to gang up on Chloe and set 8 Simple Rules for Dating my 20-something Son.

Phillip goes and tries again with Chance, this time telling him he’s proud of Chance for not crying like a little baby when the district attorney called him out for losing Mary Jane.

Chance was military, and they don't stand at parade rest to be chewed out. Ask somebody!

Since Phillip had an honest, somewhat emotional moment, Chance admits to liking a bizarre sandwiche that was Phillip’s favorite. Nina bares her claws at Chloe briefly.

We have a facial expression from Thom! Alert the media! Wait - I'm the media.

And with that, the gay story is done for today. Or, based on the writers, maybe forever. Just in case this is the last time we see someone of the homosexual persuasion in Genoa City, let's wrap up:

• Was Phillip always just a plot device to bring Chance to the show?
• What is Nina going to do to Chloe, and will it leave a scar?
• Why did they make Phillip gay at all? Anyone would have run from his family, gay or straight.

One Life To Live

Cristian enters the café and meets his mama. She’s adorable. She inquires about his living situation. He tells her it’s fine. She waxes nostalgic about how sweet Fish is and how she hopes he settles down with a nice girl.

Maybe not everyone is destined to meet a nice girl?

Meanwhile Fish and Layla argue about how to handle his parents, while at work. He runs away from her.

The Cole guy’s been arrested for dealing to protect him from his dealer boss. Star tells Todd that Cole, who he saw dealing, isn’t a druggie, he’s a narc. Todd looks like he’d prefer him to be a dealer. Unfortunately, the Mayor’s campaign manager, Dorian, is eavesdropping.

The Matthew trial looks interesting now that That Bitch Tea Delgado has her hands untied, with sexy surfer Ross granting a divorce. She puts a wheelchair bound girl on the stand who testifies to having had the surgery, and then dramatically stands. Everybody starts crying foul and screaming. I'm loving Tea Unleashed.

Fish is eavesdropping on the mayor from McBain’s office, when Officer McDirty Cop barges in, since Layla is too distracted by Fish’s impending parental visit to stop him. He hears something of the fight between the Mayor and Vicki. Fish hits mute quick, so we’re not sure whose voice he hears.

Officer McDirty is also Officer McNosy

Meanwhile, Dorian barges in and tells the Mayor that his son bought drugs from an undercover agent. If you’re paying attention, you know that nobody at the police station is listening to Dorian and the Mayor plotting to use Cole to get the Mayor’s son off the hook.

Officer McDirty starts playing with all of Fish’s toys, and our intrepid homo seems at a loss as to how to stop him. Fortunately, the Mayor calls McDirty and tells him the McBain is using undercover agents.

Layla meets up with Cristian at mom’s café for lunch, where he reveals the book he just bought, “How To Tell Your Parents That You’re Gay” Which Amazon says is a mock up.

Brian Joseph McElhane's tome must be out of print.

After some election junk, we get back to Layla and Cristian discussing the book. Cristian gives it to Layla to take to Fish at work, which I’m sure he’s going to love. She tells Cristian she could kiss him, but she’s sworn off men. Yes, puppy just had his nose rubbed in it.

Layla has sworn off men. Poor Cristian can't catch a break.

McBain comes back to his office and Fish fills him in on the interruption. They’re hoping for a recording, which they playback and find out Dorian spilled the beans. Dum-dum-dum.

To make matters more interesting, Todd has run to the Mayor to get Cole pulled off the case. Can no one in this town keep a secret?

Fish & McBain hear the Mayor talking on the phone, and Fish puts together that he was talking to Officer McDirty, and ordered a hit on Cole. Dramatic cut to Cole in his cell and Officer McDirty coming in.

All my captions are X-rated.

Cristian’s mama arrives at the table with flan, and sees the book. The fact that Cristian rushes to cover it is kind of funny. Then we zoom in on mama’s face as she tries to not have a reaction.

Poor, dumb, pretty Cristian. Whatcha hiding?

That's it for the day. We got Fish being Officer Fish, and maybe getting to be the first gay action hero tomorrow. Cristian gets set up for some comedy with mama. And I'm craving some flan. While Itry to find a drive thru flan place, discuss:

• How cool is it that Oliver's got a story besides his coming out?
• Why do I picture Cristian's mom's diner becoming the diner from Queer As Folk, and Sharon Gless stopping by?
• Has Kyle spent the whole time since the bar in bed with Nick? 
• Does John McBain have fewer facial expressions than Phillip III?
• Where's my shirtless boys?