Daytime Drive By (September 9, 2009)

Artist rendering, presumed reason why we haven't see Kyle.

Having trouble keeping track of the many gay boys cropping up on U.S. daytime soaps these days? We're here to help with our new semi-regular feature Daytime Drive By, where we give you the rundown on Luke, Rafe, Fish and all the rest of the gay gang. Look for DDB whenever we don't have a liveblog and something gay happens on daytime television that you just have to know about!

I take us to Llanview, lights and sirens flashing, for Officer Fish' action-packed day at work, and we get to see if he ever figures out how to handle that big gun of his.

And if you're looking for the Oakdale happenings, snicks slummed it in a liveblog today. He loves you that much.

One Life To Live

We open with That Bitch Tea Delgado claiming her personal belongings after being released from jail for being, well, a bitch. She fingers an engagement ring, and eyes her divorce papers. Then we cut to Blair and Ross (criminally clothed) flying on a jet, discussing evil.

The Russian mobsters still have Star and the baby, and it’s hard for them to look menacing bouncing the baby on their knee.

Going "goo-goo-ga-ga" makes it tough to seem dangerous.

Officer Fish has a HUGE walkie-talkie, being all police-y, calling for a “bus and backup” over at Dorian’s Palace of Blood and Horror.

While McBaaain performs CPR on the big guy, Fish hears a thumpa-thumpa sound (not a disco beat), and goes to investigate. Fortunately, this time pointing his gun at the floor when he opens the closet door (Ha!) works, because the bound body of Todd falls out. See – he knew where to aim that thing all along.

Fish knows how to handle his weapon - ask Kyle!

Fish asks the paramedics if Shawn is going to make it, and they say he has a collapsed lung. Yesterday, we saw the blood spout from his shoulder and his neck, so that’s a neat trick – very Angelina Jolie/Wanted/curving bullets.

This picture needs more James McAvoy.

In what I’m sure is some really heavy-handed foreshadowing, they untie Star and let her hold the baby, which comically goes from quiet and happy to screaming.

Todd has stayed at the bloody mansion, which I would think is a crime scene, but all the cops are gone. That Bitch Tea Delgado shows up to play nursemaid to his gunshot wounds, which the paramedics also didn’t treat.

It's just a flesh wound. Or six.

Fish stands around in the background while McBain whispers about Sergei.  Which is the cue for Sergei to call and make a poorly accented threat. Evidently no one has thought to trace Star’s phone, use the locator on it, or any CSI-type stuff. Bad nerd, Fish! Bad nerd!

I prefer this actor in the role of McBain.

Fish finally thinks to plug a mini-cable into Cole’s phone, and mutters some technobabbly-junk about the cable making the trace faster, when none of that actually matters. But it’s so cute they looked on cNet and found techie words to string together.

Sergei demands a million dollars, and I resist the urge to use the Dr. Evil picture for the fifth time in three months when talking about a ransom demand on a soap opera. He also wants a G4, which is an oddly specific jet request, but he has exquisite taste.

Pinnacle of style and elegance.

We cut to Blair and Ross nuzzling each other as they sleep on the plane, making it painfully obvious that they intend to do a daytime version of Wife Swap with Blair, Ross, Todd, and That Bitch Tea Delgado.

In a piece of technological wonderment that would make the CIA jealous, Fish magically comes up with a street address, satellite view, and street view of the warehouse. He retasked 4 spy satellites, 2 security cameras, and a 12 year old’s webcam to do it, and we lost Osama again because of it, but boy’s got mad skillz!

We lost track of the International Space Station, sir!

So I'm guessing tomorrow is going to be the raid on the warehouse, which means we may wrap up this police drama in time to see Kyle and Nick at some point. It's also likely something will go horribly wrong. Until then we can speculate:

• Are they going to allow Shawn, the only likeable part of that family, to die?
• Why is there no CSI at Dorian's home? Can't they afford day players?
• Who wants to bet Cole butts into the raid and screws it all up?
• Why can't they crib their phone trace babble from a show that employs a technical advisor?
• Where the hell are Kyle and Nick?