Gay British Soap Update: December 12

Here’s a run down of British soap goings on that have pinged our gaydar in the UK for the week ending December 9…

Coronation Street, ITV1

Sadly, the inevitable happened this week. Yes folks, Liam Connor is off the market and it’s that lucky cow Maria Sutherland who’s gone and bagged him! Well, who’d have thought it; being jealous of Maria of all people!

Yes, Liam finally did the evil deed - sorry, the right thing - and proposed to the hairdresser. Well, she is carrying his child. Although we all know he’d much rather be with his fiery sister-in-law, Carla instead. After all, he can barely tear his eyes off her and she certainly wasn’t happy with his engagement news. We think this could probably turn out to be one of the shortest engagements soapland has ever seen.

Meanwhile, devil child David continued to cause mayhem and mischief. This week he pinched barmy Becky’s mobile phone so he could send flirty texts to Jason. No, we didn’t know he was that way inclined either. But alas his attempts to make sister Sarah even more paranoid and jealous than normal backfired. Yes, the truth came out and he got rumbled.

Unfortunately, things came to ahead in the Platt-Grimshaw household when Gail announced that Sarah and Jason should move out because it was obvious Sarah and David would never be able to live under the same roof! Talk about taking the wrong side, Gail!

Elsewhere, two new faces made a welcome appearance in the Street, in the shape of bookies Harry and his son Dan, played by former Bad Girls star Jack Ellis and Matthew Crompton from The Bill. And it seems Jack and Vera have decided to leave the Street (shock! horror!) and move to Blackpool. Although unfortunately for Paul, if his grandparents do sell up and move, they will discover that their rat bag grandson has taken out a loan in their name against their house. Such a naughty boy, that Paul. Oh, and Ryan has got himself the ultimate celebrity accessory: a stalker. Yes, Michelle’s young son keeps getting followed by a dodgy looking bloke in a flash Subaru.

But the award for the most shocking moment of the week went to Kirk Sutherland - for wearing a suit. And even more shocking, he looked rather dashing in it, too.

Eastenders, BBC1

It was the battle of the blondes in Eastenders this week, when sisters Ronnie and Roxy Mitchell came to blows. Over a bloke. Well, it's always the way, isn't it. Yes, the truth came out about Ronnie’s secret partnership with dashing ex-copper Jack. Talk about sibling rivalry, what with Roxy accusing Ronnie of choosing Jack over the family, it doesn’t bode well for a merry Christmas in the Mitchell household. Then again, in the show's history, there's never a happy christmas if you live at the Queen Vic.

There was not much peace and happiness for the rest of the Mitchell clan either this week. Billy continued to mope about being broke and Phil was his usual happy, cheery self and used every opportunity to get angry and let rip about "the family". Anyone would think he was the Godfather!

Unfortunately for Phil, his dear old mum Peggy was forced to knock him down a peg or two after he discovered that his mum was £40k in debt and would have lost everything, had it not been for Ronnie and Roxy. It was left to Peggy to point out just what a useless, self absorbed son he is and how he was too busy boozing to be of any help to anyone. Talk about a few home truths. Way to go, Peggy!

Elsewhere, Steven Beale’s dark mood got even darker. Well, a run in with Ian Beale has a habit of ruining anyone’s day. And after being thrown out of sister Lucy’s birthday bash, a distraught Steven got drunk and broke into The Arches and set about dousing himself in petrol. Luckily though, Stacey had followed him and managed to stop the lad from setting himself on fire. Phew!

Oh, and poor Dawn had some devastating news this week. She had to wear glasses. Yes, shocking, isn’t it.

And Phil tried to buy Jack out. No, don’t do it Jack. Your handsome face is about the show’s only saving grace!

Emmerdale, ITV1

It’s taken some time, but this week the frosty relationship between Paul and Jonny finally started to thaw a little bit. After having a heart to heart, the pair admitted that they have been distant from each other (er, you don’t say!) and decided to start planning their wedding again. Yay! But don’t go buying a wedding hat just yet!

Meanwhile, a frustrated Grayson decided to tell the soap police how to do their job. Well, someone usually has to. After all they don't seem to have a clue about what happened to his mother Rosemary. Luckily for moneybags Gray, a private detective he hired has discovered that Rosemary to alive and well and living in Miami and apparently masterminding her revenge on Matthew.

A shocked Grayson decided to do the right thing and tell Matthew what Rosemary was up to. But when he went to see Matthew, Gray heard his wife Perdy and Matthew discussing her plans to dump him and move in with Matthew. Hmm we think Gray isn't going to be very forthcoming with his big news after all now.

Elsewhere, Katie told a stunned Jonny that she is having a baby for Grayson and Perdy. Jonny tried to tell Katie what we all know; that it’s a huge mistake. But she refused to listen and stormed off in a huff.

After Grayson discovered that Katie told Jonny about the surrogacy, he payed Jonny a visit and tried to bribe him not to tell Katie that he’s gay. Jonny insisted that Katie has a right to know but Gray threatened to ruin things between him and Paul if he breathed a word about his sexuality. Worried by Grayson’s threats, Jonny told Paul that they should leave the village and make a fresh start. Paul agreed but his father Rodney, tried to talk him out of leaving. Unfortunately, Rodney’s cries fell on deaf ears.

Oh, and Nicola finally got her claws into dishy David. Didn’t see that one coming – much! And Emily decided to become a vicar. That one we certainly didn't see coming - at all!

Hollyoaks, C4

Chester’s hunky new stylist, Niall made an impression during his first day at Evissa. Although it’s kinda creepy, seeing him bonding with the McQueen family, knowing what he has in store for them. Shame, as on the surface, Niall seems so charming and well, nice.

Dom on the other hand, has been neither charming or nice this week. In fact, he makes brother Tony seem like a love god, and that’s saying something! Dom, it seems, has to be the most clueless man in the world. Not only did he not realise that his wife was being sexually harrassed and bullied by her boss, pervey Pete. But the idiot even invited Tina’s evil tormentor in for drinks and a chat!

With Dom being about as useless as a chocolate teapot, Tina started to confide in Russ, who unlike her hubby, can see Pete for the evil weasle that he is. When Tina later found herself trapped in the office with Pete, it’s Russ who rescued her. It was about time someone gave Pete a pasting and Russ delivered a well-deserved punch after he walked in to find Pete touching Tina inappropriately.

With Dom no help or comfort or support, Tina turned to Russ. Unfortunately, the pair ended up getting very comfortable with each other, if you know what we mean! And after hitting the sack together, Tina declared that her marriage to Dom was well and truly over with. Those McQueens certainly aren’t poster children for the sanctity of marriage.

Meanwhile, John Paul and Elliot started to bond over their mutal dislike of transvestite Kris, who was full of himself after getting cast to play Frank N Furter in a student production of The Rocky Horror Show. Now, Kris has never been the most likable chap, but our dislike for him grows by the day, especially since he tried to humiliate our beloved John Paul on local radio. Although we have no doubt that he’ll do a fine job as Frank N Furter because he was clearly born to play the part.

Speaking of John Paul and Elliot, Myra wrongly assumed that Elliot was John Paul’s new boyfriend. Which gave John Paul the bright idea to play along and pretend they are in fact a couple. Why? Good question! Well, it’s all part of their masterplan to set up a pirate radio station and sabotage Kris's radio show. Makes zero sense but it should provide us with a few laughs and more importantly, give us some much needed John Paul screen time.

Elsewhere in the Chester suburb, all was not well in Rhys Ashworth’s world. Well, what with being head over heels in love with your sister, all is not going to be a bed of roses now is it. And seeing her becoming close to your horny best mate is only going to make the situation worse. It’s no wonder you turn to your ex for friendship and comfort. Although we’re kinda surprised at Sarah. After Craig, we thought she wouldn’t go near another man, oh, for at least six months. Never mind her ex!

And so, that concludes this little recap of all things gay-ish related in British soaps. Tune in next time, to find out who is the Subaru stalker in Coro; whether Paul and Jonny really do leave the Dales; and what’s happening with John Paul, Elliot and Kris in Hollyoaks...