Here’s a run down of British soap goings on that have pinged our gaydar in the UK for the week ending December 16….

Coronation Street, ITV1

Goodness gracious, what is the world coming to; evil seems to be overcoming all that is good and wholesome in Weatherfield. Not that Sarah Platt could ever be described as wholesome, but you get my drift!

Yes folks, it looks like David Platt may have the last laugh after all. It appears that being a lying scumbag has paid dividends for the devil child, what with rich and successful Uncle Stephen (who’s swapped Christmas in Canada for Weatherfield, the fool!) choosing to reward the spawn of Satan for all the terrible things he’s done. And by reward, we mean offering David a new life and a new job… in Milan! Yes, Milan, Italy!

Poor Sarah, no wonder she’s furious! And jealous. David has never looked quite so smug. But it looks like he won’t be smiling for too long, not if Sarah has her way. Her warning to David to not count his chickens just yet was chilling. Hmm we wonder what devilish plans the little minx has up her sleeve? Make it good Sarah, make it good.

Meanwhile, Ryan’s mysterious stalker was revealed… and it’s his dad. Well, a dodgy looking man who claims to be his father, anyway. Mum Michelle was totally baffled by the claim and worse, was forced to defend herself when boyfriend Steve asked her is she had been unfaithful to her late hubby Dean. Talk about being an insensitive jerk. Steve, we mean.

Poor Michelle was so afraid for her son, she put Ryan under house arrest. Which actually wasn't quite as bad as it sounds, considering he got to bunk off school and play video games.

Elsewhere, Steve offered his ex- con dad a job and Jim promised to stay away from ex-wife Liz and her hubby-to-be Vern. He certainly does seems to be a changed man, does our Jim, not even kicking off when faced with a bunch of rowdy lads in the pub.

Oh, and John and Rosie went on a romantic date… at a lay by. And they celebrated spending some quality time together by having a romp in the backseat of his Megane! Classy!


Eastenders, BBC1

Question.

What do you get if you cross Jack Branning and Phil Mitchell with a pool table?

Answer.

One of the most boring and silliest episodes in the show’s history, that’s what! And let’s face it, after more than 20 years, there’s been quite a few!

Determined to get rid of Jack once and for all, Phil challenged his rival to a game of pool, and upped the stakes of the game by laying down half of the pub in return for Jack wagering his stake in the club. Oh come on! Do the Eastenders scriptwriters think their key audience is like 5 years old?!

Meanwhile, Billy Mitchell trashed the council office. Well, the prospect of being homeless at Christmas is enough to make anyone angry, Mitchell or not. A broken man, Billy later did the unthinkable and stole money from a charity box. Oh Billy, you could be such a champion for the common man, if you weren’t quite so weak and pathetic!

Elsewhere, miserable Max and his clueless wife Tanya introduced newborn baby Oscar into the world. But all in all, it was a pretty lacklustre week in Walford. But hold on to your seats though, because the Xmas omnibus looks anything but dull.


Emmerdale, ITV1

Them Yorkshire folk were not happy campers this week. Perhaps it’s the horrible cold and frosty spell we’ve been having or maybe it’s the sudden realisation that Christmas is just around the corner and they haven’t started their shopping. Either way, there wasn’t much festive cheer in the village.

After discovering his wife Perdy has been having it away with Matthew King, Grayson continued to plot to bring down his nemesis, by falsely planting evidence of Matthew's 'murder' of Rosemary in his car. Of course, in soap land, finding a cardigan button is ample evidence to force the soap police to arrest Matthew for murder.

Meanwhile, Paul managed to pluck up some courage to tell his mother Val about his plans to move away with Jonny. Does this mean we’re really going to have to say farewell to the lovebirds? And what about their gay wedding?


Hollyoaks, C4

Whatever happened to Jake Dean? There was a time when he was a pretty decent and likeable chap. But that was before the hit and run; before Becca left him for Justin; and before he found out his brother had a gay affair. Oh, the memories.

These days, there’s not much to like about the Jake Gyllenhall of Chester. In fact, he seems to be turning into a psychological bully!

After threatening to leave girlfriend Nancy (well, she could do SO much better) Jake proved that he was not quite all mouth and no trousers, and well, left. But after discovering that Nancy was more than capable of managing without him, he decided to pop round to her flat and tampered with the plumbing under the sink.

It seems it was all part of his master plan to get Nancy to plead with him to give their relationship another go. And it worked! Not only was Nancy desperate for someone to fix the plumbing, but she even agreed to change her whole personality and wardrobe to make her man happy. Creepy. Although not quite as creepy as wearing an engagement ring that your beau has given you that he brought for his ex-wife who just so happened to be your big sis!

Meanwhile, desperate for cash, Darren contemplated visiting the casino again. But while he was carrying the night’s takings from the Dog to the bank, he got mugged by a hooded figure in broad daylight, leaving him with a black eye. It later transpired that Darren knew his assailant. It was Ste. And the whole robbery had been orchestrated by Darren as a way of getting his hands on some cash! Oh, his father must be so proud!

But wait, it gets worse. After gambling all of his money away. Darren was forced to steal step mum Frankie's jewelry and pawn it to pay off his debts. Oh, and frame Newt for the missing jewellery in the process, which forced Jack and Frankie to relinquish their fostering of Newt. Nice one, Darren. You truly are a scumbag.

Elsewhere, Carmel started her new role as a Police Community Support Officer, and Gilly and Rhys broke into suspected child abuser Simon’s house to look for evidence of child abuse. After coming across children's toys and a laptop with files of pictures of children, Gilly now seems determined to out Simon to the community.

Talk about a case of putting two and two together and coming up with five. Gilly, you may be a scruffy but nonetheless rather endearing scouse layabout, but we thought you had a bit more sense.

And so, that concludes this little recap of all things gay-ish related in British soaps. Tune in next time, to find out whether Paul and Jonny are still in the Dales; whether Sarah has managed to scupper David's plans; and whether Eastenders is still as boring...