Gay British soap update: September 25

Here’s a run down of British soap goings on that have pinged our gaydar in the UK for the week ending September 23, 2007 …

Coronation Street, ITV1

Despite being the most stable couple in soapland, it looks like Roy and Hayley’s marriage is on rocky ground. Hayley's reluctance to tell son Christian the truth about his parentage is driving them apart. It's left to Becky of all people to be the voice of reason - again - as she implores the couple to try and sort out their differences.

So Hayley decides to forget about her son and tries to focus on her marriage instead. Roy, being Roy, decides to burry his head in the sand – by immersing himself in reducing the café’s carbon footprint. As you would, obviously.

It being Roy’s birthday, Hayley buys her hubby a tent so they can go on an eco-friendly holiday. Unfortunately, the subject of Christian soon rears its ugly head. Roy eventually agrees to support his wife, but only if she comes clean and tells Christian the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

So, off she toddles to the record shop and presents Christian with her – sorry, Harold’s crucifix. But she still can’t quite bring herself to tell him that his father is alive and kicking. Of a sort.

Elsewhere, after almost killing his niece, spawn of Satan David Platt is kicked out of the family home. About time! And Sean has another date with Marcus. Yes, as in more than one!

Eastenders, BBC1

A new gay couple, Wally and Ford are interested in buying the Queen Vic and turning it into a karaoke bar.

Yeah, right!

Alas the gay drought that is Eastenders continues.

But on a brighter note, Ian Beale has gone missing.

Emmerdale, ITV1

The good news: there were a few sweaty men to feast our eyes upon this week. The bad news: it was Zac and Eli Dingle! Thankfully, there was a bit more to Emmerdale this week than just bare knuckle fighting.

We finally got a bit more guy-on-guy action in the Yorkshire dales, when Paul kissed Grayson! In other words, not his fiance, Jonny! However, their lip-locking action was as excruciating to watch as Paul’s horrible shirt was to look at. And hands up who didn’t groan when Gray played the “my sexuality is complicated” card? Of course, it sent Paul off into a tizzy, all the more confused about his feelings for Gray.

Grayson slightly redeems himself later by apologizing for his behaviour, putting it down to one of those silly drunken moments. And quite rightly so. Paul is spoken for, after all. Gray says he doesn’t fit into the gay world. He believes two heterosexual people should raise children. And he doesn’t think ABBA are all that great either. Well, that’s a matter of opinion. However, seeing Paul’s reaction, Grayson finally figures out that Paul has feelings for him. No! Never! So what does Paul go and do? He rushes off to Jonny and sets a date for their wedding. He doesn’t want to wait (wonder why?!) so apparently it’s going to be November 27th. Let’s all mark that date in our diaries.

Hollyoaks, C4

John-Paul is bursting with about as much excitement as we are. In other words, a lot! It seems he cannot wait to get to Ireland and begin his new life with Craig. Being the ever secretive chap that he is, Craig wants to keep it quiet. Unfortunately, when their respective families and friends discover the lovebirds are planning to do a bunk together, it goes down like a led balloon.

Myra ends up slapping her son (for which she later apologizes, mind!); Frankie plays the denial card; Jake continues to ignore his little brother and Sarah sheds yet more tears. She obviously still hasn't realised the panda eyes are not a good look! Luckily for John-Paul, Myra (who truly deserves to win Understanding Mother of the Year award) comes round and even goes so far as to help Frankie avoid alienating her son even further.

The same cannot be said for Sarah, who continues to humiliate herself by begging Craig to take her to Dublin instead of John-Paul. My, that girl sure is a glutton for punishment. And when Craig rejects her, she turns to ex-boyfriend Rhys for support. No, not like that! It seems Rhys isn’t quite the womanizer he used to be, offering his ex a shoulder to cry on. It appears he still has a soft spot for her. Bless his little cotton socks.

A long last, the day of John-Paul and Craig’s departure arrives. But just when we think they are going to sail off into the sunset together – well, fly off to Dublin – it all goes pear-shaped. It seems the penny finally drops for John-Paul when Craig refuses to kiss him in public. (Hands up who hasn’t had a tiff with their other half about PDA’s?) Of course, hearing Craig tell Jake that he still fancies girls and doesn’t consider himself gay doesn’t exactly do wonders for John-Paul’s confidence. So, amidst lots of tears, John-Paul declares he deserves more than Craig can give him and he leaves. And a distraught Craig heads for Dublin on his tod. Sadly, sometimes love just isn’t enough.

Oh, and Clare was in top psycho mode, kidnapping Katy. The car chase, which resulted in Clare's car being driven off into a water-filled quarry (with Katy in it, bound and gagged!) was absolutely thrilling. But just when we thought evil Clare had drowned in the icy waters, she turns up alive and kicking and looking for her next victim. It seems that woman has more lives than a cat!

And so, that concludes this little recap of all things gay related in British soaps. Tune in next time, to discover Christian’s reaction to the news about Hayley being his dad, (clue: it's not good!) and see how John-Paul (and the rest of us!) is coping without Craig…