Well, boys and girls, this is it. The last recap of Cycle 8. One of these three girls will become America's Next Top Model. Only in title, of course. Once they win, we'll actually never see them again except for a couple appearance on the next cycle of ANTM. The good news is the show is definitely coming back, so we have at least two more cycles of anorexic skeletons and bitchery galore! How exciting!

Will the winner be Natasha, the Russian trophy wife who started out weak but has steadily improved? Will it be Jaslene, the Latina stick figure who tried out for Cycle 7 but didn't make the cut? Or will it be Renee, the bitchy mommy who takes great photos but looks a little long in the tooth?

One of those smart and sexy readers Michael talks about in today's column wrote me and pointed out that in the history of ANTM, no winner has ever had children. (Thanks, Damian!) That's interesting since two of the final three are mothers this cycle. If that holds true, Jaslene is already the winner. Let's see how this plays out.

They're changing things up a little this cycle. Instead of the traditional CoverGirl commercial and photo shoot, they're doing one of those godawful "My Life as a CoverGirl" commercials they make all the winners do. They're dreadful. They're still doing the CoverGirl photo shoot though.

Mr. Jay, looking as orange as ever, gives them their assignments. Renee will be shooting on a boat in Sydney Harbor, Jaslene will be on a red carpet, and Natasha will be backstage at a photo shoot. They're all familiar setups for those of us who have suffered through past seasons of "My Life as a CoverGirl." Gawd. I think Nicole was the worst... Or maybe it was Naima. Or Danielle (aka Danni). Oh, they were all bad.

The best news is there is no script for the commercial. It all has to be adlibbed. Oh goody! This should be fun! Natasha can barely speak English and Jaslene manages to mangle in the English language on her best days. How much do you want to bet Renee tries to wedge in her kid again?

Caridee is trotted out to coach them. Aside from her earlier appearance in this cycle and her "My Life as a CoverGirl" commercials, this is the first time I've seen her since she won. That's not the sort of encouragement these girls need, really. See how you too can disappear after winning a reality show on a low rated network? Yeah, she's a top model, all right. Whatev.

Renee has a huge zit on her chin. Just had to point that out. (Why, yes, I am showing my bias against her, thank you very much.)

Natasha is up first for the commercial. She's written a script and memorized, which kind of misses the whole point of adlibbing, so Jay tells her to lose the script and just be herself. She babbles on a bit without making much sense, but she's so cute doing it. She looks great.

Nothing says Top Model like doing the Cabbage Patch.

As predicted, Renee starts off her commercial by saying having a child ruined her life. No really. Because being a CoverGirl is all about how your family destroys your dreams. Easy, breezy, beautiful! Jay tells her to focus on the positive, and she switches modes. Renee only has three sides — bitchy, kiss-up, and whiny — and they're all equally calculated.

When whiny doesn't work, she goes into kiss-up mode. She throws in as many CoverGirl buzz words as she can think of and Jay laps it up like a kitten with a bowl of warm milk. She even manages to throw in "easy, breezy, beautiful." Hey, Renee, there's something brown on your nose...

Jaslene is working the red carpet and loving it. She tells us she loves the fabulous life. She films her adlibbed portion of the commercial in the back seat of a limo and she's a little... boring. Jay tells her he wants more Cha Cha, and you can tell from her expression that she's so sick of hearing that.

She's a good little trooper, though, and she gives him what he wants. She even throws in a couple lines in Spanish, which the Little Orange Man just loves, of course.

They don't focus that much on the actual photo shoot. Caridee gives Natasha some advice, but Natasha struggles a bit with her smile. It can sometimes be a little... disturbing. She has great energy, but she needs to work on smiling naturally.

Jaslene also struggles with smiling, but in a different way. She says her face starts to hurt after a while. Honey, if you think your face hurts you, just think what it's doing to the rest of us!

They focus the least on Renee, so I'm thinking she's going home. The photographer even says she looks much older than the other girls, too mature to be just starting out.

When they get back to the apartment, Renee gets her bitch on. She always has to be attacking someone in order to feel good about herself. Natasha has been her favorite target as of late, so this time she says she hopes the judges send Natasha home because "she walks like a pigeon-toed duck with a piece of poop hanging out her ass." Classy. And not true. Natasha has a decent walk.

First Panel! (There are two in this episode.) Tyra looks GORGE! Guest judges are Sarah-Jane Clarke and Heidi Middleton. They are the team behind Sass and Bide, one of Australia's hottest fashion designers. The final two girls will be wearing their clothes for the final big runway show.

Now that's a good drag queen!

Natasha's commercial is just as rough as I thought it would be, but she manages to be cute and endearing with her imperfections. In other words, everyone loves a funny accent. Her CoverGirl shot is good, but not great. She doesn't quite connect with her eyes.

Jaslene has a great energy and they love how she throws in the Spanish, but her delivery is too herky-jerky for Tyra's taste. Her photo is beautiful though. Tyra does say that Jaslene seems less comfortable with this sort of commercial shoot, however.

I'd have to say that Renee's commercial turned out the best, but she was squinty from the sunlight. Her picture is beautiful, but everyone points out that she looks old. Nigel says she looks too sophisticated, which I think is his nice way of saying she looks haggard.

Deliberations: Natasha is the most beautiful of the final three and is a quick learner. Jaslene is amazing and fierce but struggles with a commercial look. Renee's photo is great, but her look is too mature. She's not fresh and we've seen her look before.

Elimination: Tyra calls Jaslene first. It's between Renee and Natasha.

Renee gets cut. Yay!

The Top Two go immediately to a photo shoot for Seventeen Magazine. They are once again met by Carissa Rosenberg. She's on this show almost as much as Tyra this cycle.

While they're getting made up, Jaslene gets her bitch on, too. She says if Natasha wins, she'll pull her hair out. It's so great to see how Tyra works to disprove all those negative stereotypes about women and models.

The shoot is glossed over for the most part, which is fine. Because, really... who cares? Let's just get to the runway show. We don't even see the pictures we take. Why are they even showing us this?

When they get back to the apartment, Tyra is waiting to talk to them. Natasha freaks out like she's never met Tyra before, and Tyra mocks her accent some more. That just never gets old. Natasha talks about her life in Russia and how difficult it was, and how happy she is to be in America, even if she is a trophy wife and has to have phone sex with her old-man husband in order to be here. (She doesn't actually say that last part. I may have read between the lines a little.)

Jaslene is kind of boring, feeding Tyra a bunch of feel-good Tyra-isms. I suppose it's a smart move on her part, but yawn. Oh, now she's crying. She's so winning, y'all.

Runway Show! Jay tells them the theme is evolution. They have to start off walking sort of hunched over and then "evolve" into upright humans. Ohhhhkay. Also, the runway is a little uneven and kind of high so it could be challenging to walk it. Caridee will be walking too. Yeah, yeah, yeah... toss the previous winner a bone. Make it look like she's working. Again I say whatev.

They make up the girls with some sort of weird headpiece that looks like used, dirty chicken wire complete with feathers. I grew up on the Eastern Shore of Maryland where chickens outnumber people by a wide margin, so I know chicken wire.

Natasha starts off really well with the odd, theatrical opening sequence. Jaslene isn't quite as sharp. However, when they get to the second run where they're walking normally, Jaslene really steps it up. Natasha is still doing fairly well too. In fact, her skirt falls off at one point and she never misses a step.

Nigel is so observant.

The third round is where things really switch up, though. Natasha has trouble with her outfit and seems to lose a little steam. Jaslene is really fierce though. It's kind of a tough call. Neither was horrible and they both had their weak and strong points.

Second Panel! There is no guest judge for the final judging panel. It's just Tyra, Nigel, Miss J, Mr. Jay, and Twiggy.

They review their runway show. Natasha started off strong, but lost some of her energy towards the end. Jaslene was the exact opposite, starting off weak but getting stronger as she went.

Then they show highlights from the past photo shoots. Their first shoot is up first, the Political Statement.

Next is High School Stereotypes.

Gender Switching shoot:

Men's Magazine:

Natasha wins, but it's a close one.

It's even closer for the Women's Magazine shoot.

I'll give it to Jaslene by a hair, but only because the photo itself is so artistic and well-composed. That credit really belongs to Tyra, who took the shot. In all reality, Natasha's is probably better based on actual modeling.

Over all, I'd have to say Jaslene has the stronger portfolio. She's been more consistent, but Natasha has shown more improvement. They both make statements that include speaking in their native language. Tyra calls this the Battle of the Accents. Hee!

Deliberations: Natasha is funny and she has a great personality, great looks, and she's a quick learner. Jaslene has been more consistent, and while she hasn't shown a lot of growth during the cycle, she's come a long way since they first met her in Cycle 7. Another concern with Jaslene is that she's much better at editorial style modeling than commercial looks.

Nigel and Twiggy thought Jaslene did better on the runway, but Tyra liked Natasha better. Miss J liked both, but preferred Jaslene over all. Mr. Jay is strangely quiet on the subject.

And America's... Next... Top... Model... is... Jaslene!

She immediately starts doing this really ugly pageant cry. Natasha seems genuinely happy for her, giving her a big hug and smiling through the whole thing. You can tell she's disappointed, but she still seems happy for Jaslene. That's class, folks. Jaslene and Renee could learn a thing or two from the girl they spent so much time hating on.

You know, it's really ironic that the year Tyra made such a big deal out of having two plus-sized models on the show, and right after that big hullabaloo about whether or not she was fat and how the industry should stop with the unrealistic body expectations for women, etc, the skinniest girl in the history of the show wins. Granted, the cycle was taped because US Weekly called Tyra fat, but still. The timing couldn't be worse. Great message you're sending there, Tyra.

At any rate, I'm okay with Jaslene winning, even if she did get the bitch edit towards the end there. She clearly had the stronger portfolio and she was okay on the runway. What do you think? Did the right girl win? Will we ever see Jaslene again except on the next cycle of ANTM?

It's been great recapping the show. I've had a lot of fun and I hope you've enjoyed reading it. Until the next show...