Big Brother Recap: God is testing Amber

Here I am, back in my usual summer cycle. It seems like every few seasons, the ads convince me to check out the new season of Big Brother, and something hooks me for a few weeks until I find myself getting too annoyed with the cast to keep watching. I'll keep my fingers crossed that this doesn't happen too soon. However, whenever I am filled with white-hot searing rage I turn into a Jane Austen character, so if you ever see a sentence in these recaps that sounds like, "I would so greatly appreciate if Kail were to perform us the kindness of never uttering another syllable on this topic ever again," send over an intervention.

(Why do I turn to Kail when I need a random target? The magic phrase is "chose a gay lifestyle.")

As always, the episode starts of with the housemates reacting to the most recent event, which is Kail's nomination of Carol and Amber for eviction. Kail gloats in the diary room, saying that no one can pin any foul motives to her nominations, since she based it on who was eliminated first from the HOH competition. Amber is still crying (as we saw when the nominations were announced last time) about how shocking it is that Kail would nominate the only other mother in the house, "I would never put her up on the block, regardless of anything."

Will someone remind Amber that she's discussing the only person in the house who said she wouldn't offer her bus seat to a pregnant woman? "She's more worried about coming up with 'the fairness decision,'" Amber continues, "You can't come up with anything more than that?" Carol, we next learn, is much smarter than Amber correctly attributing Kail's choices as an attempt to stay safe and inoffensive. Jessica is thrilled, "I'd die if (Carol) were evicted before me." Kail tells us, "I feel like I got off scotch free." Mmmm, scotch. I hope that's single malt scotch free.

Carol tells a crying Amber, "I'm fighting for you." That means we can say goodbye to Carol now if we want to save time. One of a Big Brother houseguest's biggest pet peeves is when another houseguest doesn't react to being nominated with plenty of crying and begging. Carol is neither crying or begging.

Finally, we get the capper from Amber, "I feel like being on the block ... is a gift for me, I feel like God put me on the block as a gift to prepare me for long term things and I just think this is his way of making me stronger." I guess God does work through mysterious ways, with reality TV as a tool to help us become better people.

Then we move on to the personal developments in the house. Let's start with the Nickmania that's swept the Big Brother house. Jessica finds him "pretty cute." Danielle thinks he's "got a pretty nice body." Joe says, "He's so hot, it's ridiculous." Then we cut to Jen trying to look nonchalant at the thought of him: "I don't like muscles."

Nick, we learn, is flirting up a storm: "One of my main strategies... with the females, I was going to flirt with them. I have a inviting smile and I don't think they'll be as partial to voting me out." Does he realize what a dangerous strategy he's playing? It's one thing to be a pretty face the housemates appreciate, but a guy who's dividing his attentions between you and each and every one of your girlfriends is someone you push out of your life very quickly.

Carol calls him on the flirting:

Carol: Every single girl has been like, "Has Nick been flirting with you?" "Yeah." "Me too.

Nick: I think every female in the house is attractive.

Carol: Yeah, which one's going to be the lucky girl?

Nick: Or boy.

Yep, at this point the producers cut to Joe, who looks like a dog who just heard the sound of his food dish being filled. I'm so glad Dustin is nowhere in sight. I'd like to believe reality TV can find gay men who don't spend their time staring at unavailable straight jocks from afar. If Dustin turns out to be that man, I'll be very happy.

However, Nick's attentions are primarily focused on Danielle, who he's cuddling with in his bed. As that's going on, Jen, Carol and Jameka are gossiping in the kitchen about Nick. Joe walks in as Jen claims that Nick tried to kiss her and Joe goes running to tattle, "Jen's going around telling everyone you tried to make out with her," causing Nick to run to the kitchen for a confrontation with Jen.

"I'm sorry, I kind of have a big mouth." Joe halfway apologizes to Jen wearing this silly grin that says that he's not really sorry but thinks he's cute enough to get away with it.

Finally they decide to talk a little more privately in the storeroom where Jen admits to feeling jealous about the attention Nick has been giving Danielle. "I'm sorry," she says, "Can I hug you?" Maybe this was Jen's fiendish plan, after all. Get the hunky guy angry, fight a little, admit you were wrong then apologize and ask for a hug. Let's hope Joe wasn't peeking at this interaction.

Jen, overall, has been annoying the housemates. She may have an annoying personality but her wardrobe is even more irksome. She has brought with her several cutesy t-shirts where words that start with "gen" are mis-spelled as "Jen." She has t-shirts declaring her a Jenius, Jenuine, a Jensa Member, as well as "Jenth Degree." I hear on the live feeds, Dick commented about wanting to make her a t-shirt that said "Jenitalia." I imagine there's a Big Brother forum out there busy trying to think of more rude t-shirts designs for her.

And then there is Kail who is, apparently, the Listen Lady of the Big Brother house tonight. We see her listening to Dick (otherwise known as "Evil Dick") tell her about the time he took his son to a Las Vegas strip club for his 21st birthday. There, he introduced his son "to all the vices he's going to be fighting the rest of his life -- strippers, alcohol and gambling." As he tells her this, the expression on Kail's face is pretty much what I'd expect to see if I came home and told my partner I would be preparing some fresh durian.

It seems, though, Kail's a sucker for any story about a father and son admitting affection to each other, because as soon as Dick turns the story to the Hallmark moment (a Hallmark moment in a strip club) her face switches to an 'awwww' expression.

However, Kail is like those language filters that keep the language in chat rooms "clean" but can't consider the context. See, she won't use Dick's name, which leads me to believe that Kail can't tell the difference between an outdated nickname for Richard and a crude reference to male genitalia. Thus, she can't bring herself to call him "Dick." (Then again, who knows, perhaps I'm being hasty in presuming that Dick's full name is Richard? What if it turns out his first name is Penis? If that were the case, his nickname would be pretty profane, wouldn't it?) Since she can't bring herself to refer to him by name, Kail turns to the least-offensive part of the nickname he gave himself -- the "Evil."

"Evil completely confuses me," Kail tells us, "because the extremes don't match his interior. His personality is sweet and more sensitive." Is it just me or has Kail's aversion to accidentally swearing made her an unintended philosopher?

And then comes her time with America's Player, Eric, who's been assigned to tell someone a made-up sob story. For some reason, America has decided that Eric should share his pain with Kail. I don't understand this vote, but it does give us some entertainment. Eric asks to speak with Kail, who agrees to meet with him in the HOH room. On his way there, Eric gives us a little demonstration into how one can use contact lens solutions to create the illusion of crying ... still, would you be doing this if you were planning to pull the wool over someone who's waiting for you in the HOH room? Doesn't that room let you see what else is going on in the house?

Eric does a convincing job with the crying, telling Kail a story about a girlfriend who had an eating disorder. Throughout the story, however, Kail looks like she's hearing a presentation about her opportunity to get "in on the ground floor" of the next Amway -- a look of polite disinterest. I guess she did see him tearing up on the HOH cameras. Or maybe not -- "Eric is very sensitive guy," we hear Kail say, "And takes things to heart. He cares too much where it starts to affect him and it's sweet."

Time for an update on our gay boys with drama. Joe lets loose on Dustin, "I try to come at you with respect, I try to -- I'm trying to talk with you, but I'm doing the best I can in a situation where --- you're a person that -- like you're my arch-nemesis. You're something that I'm extremely displeased with. You're a main that's extremely -- there's so much unfinished business."

Dustin's response is pretty collected, "But what makes your situation more different than mine? We're in the same boat, here. I"m almost thankful this situation occurred because it forces us to deal with our past and deal with our feelings." Score another point for Dustin, coming off as the thoughtful one instead of just thinking of himself.

Heading into the Power of Veto, we get another teary confessional from Amber. "I really feel like God is on my side. I know he's on my side and I really need to win this competition." I really hate it when reality TV contestants talk about God like this. I just don't think determining the winners of reality TV competitions are a major concern for the divine.

The challenge should have been cute. Kail, Amber, Carol, Danielle, Janika and Nick each has to hide a token in the house for the others to find. When all but one token has been found, whoever hid the remaining one gets the Power of Veto. Danielle hides her token in the slop. (Ew, I hope she threw out that batch of slop afterwards.) Carol hides her token under Dick's mattress, "Just because I was hoping and praying that nobody would want to touch his stuff." Amber admits she's terrible at playing hide & seek and hides her token in her pillowcase. Nick runs about the house, jumps over the furniture and ends up hiding his token under a bed. Kail empties a tea box and hides her token under some messily-replaced tea bags. Finally, Jameka hides her token with her hair extensions.

When it comes to seeking out the tokens, things start pretty calmly. Nick tells us he was trying hard not to make a mess and leave things as he found them. Kail, on the other hand, trashes the place. "I was so happy I was in the HOH room because it was none of my things." I shouldn't be surprised to hear this from the one housemate who said she wouldn't give her bus seat to a pregnant woman because she never got offered a bus seat when she was pregnant. "It was fun and I liked to feel like a kid and I couldn't' get into trouble," Kail continues. If I ran a hotel, I'd hate to have her as a guest.

In the end Danielle wins the Power of Veto, which she decides not to use. Like Kail, Danielle's playing it safe and avoiding any early conflict. As always, the first houseguest evicted leaves with a shrug and a "Well, we had to pick someone" from everyone else.

Manwhile -- er, meanwhile, here's some video of Nick getting attacked by the meatheads for his potential bisexuality (or for playing the game that way):

Next time: Live eviction (except on the west coast).