Big Brother Recap: Irony Wins HoH

Let's jump ahead to the interesting part of last night's Big Brother. "Who would be more likely to cheat on a significant other -- Joe or Dustin?" said Julie Chen. The eight houseguests being asked unanimously picked Joe. Unfortunately, it wasn't a direct question. See, they were asked to predict how the majority would answer the question, so you could probably start a whole discussion about what they really think about Joe and Dustin. Still, it probably tells you that whoever moves first with the gonorrhea accusation loses ... particularly when you mix in visions of the Virgin Mary by sarcastically yelling that you immaculately conceived it.

As I write this recap, I'm watching Live Feed videos of Joe and Dustin talking in the background (I like to multi-task) and in some ways those two are interesting for how they so openly discuss their relationship issues.

On the other hand, they talk like a couple who have spent months in therapy to the point that every conversation sounds like an unmoderated therapy session. How did they go from "He gave me gonorrhea" to this? I definitely prefer the talking (which, at the least, lacks "I feel..." statements) but color me surprised at how quickly their drama has died down.

As for the rest of the episode ... well, it was an eviction episode and even an on-and-off viewer like me has the format of the eviction episodes. First Julie Chen recaps the show for us as if we don't watch the show when she's not hosting ... do we still need this season's big twist to be explained? Didn't the "Previously on Big Brother" guy catch us up, already? Then comes the flashback to where we left off in the last episode (Danielle decides not to use the Power of Veto! Gasp -- it's just like every other veto ceremony where the PoV isn't held by a nominee!), followed discussions of the vote, full of fake-outs meant to make it sound like the vote could go either way.

Carol's still taking her nomination in stride: "Basically all I can do at this point is try to pretend I'm not bothered." That's our first sign tonight that Carol will be going home. Housemates hate it when a nominee isn't bothered. Amber, on the other hand, is still crying "I'm not here for myself, I'm here for my family. That's why I will fight as hard as I can to be here because I love my family so much." That's how you save yourself from eviction at this point in the game: act like being evicted is the end of the world.

As for how they will vote, Dick says that he can trust "Amber more than anyone but Danielle." Dustin, we learn, confesses to feeling a bond with Amber. "You're the only person where I have that (trust) with right away. I didn't expect them to happen." Judging by what I've seen of the Live Feeds we're going to see a lot more scenes of Dustin and Amber than of Dustin and Joe.

Then we get confirmation that Carol is going home when we see her and Jessica reconciling. "We just got into a big fight, never swallowed our pride and never apologized. But I'm sorry now. I'm sorry I was such a bitch in high school." If Amber were being evicted, this clip would be filed away and waiting for when Carol were actually facing eviction.

Joe, however, is campaigning to evict Amber. He's worried about her closeness with Dustin: "I don't know why we don't want to go ahead and nip this in the bud and separate it right now. Down the line, two people can be extremely strong together." He tries to convince Zach to join him but Zach keeps putting him off: "If it seems pretty close, then let's talk." At this point, Zach is totally coming off like a PR executive who just wants to find the right words to get you to leave. He then tells us that he has to meet with his alliance before deciding how he'll vote and suddenly in my mind they're no longer the "Mrs. Robinson and her boys" alliance. They're the conference room alliance and Zach will have to get back to Joe after he discusses things with the eviction vote planning committee.

Then it's eviction ceremony time. But first, Julie Chen wants to ask a few awkward questions. She asks Jessica what she thinks of her rival being nominated. Jessica's response is passive and fatalistic, "If she's evicted tonight, it's just her time to go." Yep, it's like no one discussed the merits of keeping Amber or Carol in the house or voted on it. It's just her time to go. Chen then asks Carol about living with Jessica: "It's almost as if she's just another houseguest." Translation: someone in charge should have realized that this particular rivalry was worth less than the ten dollars that started it all.

Chen asks Joe what's the nicest thing he can say about Dustin. "The nicest possible thing I can say about Dustin is that he's got a beautiful smile -- it's purely surface level." Ah, that's the Joe we know. Dustin doesn't react to the backhanded insult at all, leaving me to wonder if he's used to this sort of embarrassment. She asks Dustin the same question, he quickly responds with a peaceful "Joe's got a winning personality."

Then comes the video segments. We learn the source of Dick and Danielle's estrangement -- a couple years ago he loaned her money and she didn't like how he handled it when she didn't pay him back. So two of these rivalries are about money? What, are we going to learn next that Dustin was borrowing Joe's ATM card? Eric's friends and family, we see next, were disappointed to learn he was America's Player, since he's such a Big Brother expert and they worry about anything that could throw off his game. They watched the season premiere with a cardboard cut-out of him; unsurprisingly, he's mugging for the camera even in cardboard form. I was hoping we might get a montage of Nick and Joe clips, but I guess that's the kind of topic they save for week four or so.

Finally, Julie Chen finally announces that Carol has been evicted. As we expected. In her exit interview Carol tries to avoid badmouthing Jessica, but then Julie Chen shows her a montage of Jessica's catty diary room comments. "She's the exact same person I knew in high school, very, very conceited, very stuck-up, and now I can honestly say that and not feel bad." I know the majority of the internet found Carol to be a tad boring, but what they showed of her made her seem pretty smart with an ability for snark that I'll miss.

And then comes the HOH competition, "Majority Rules," where houseguests have to figure out how the majority will answer a question. This one doesn't lend itself to amateur houseguest psychotherapy. Couldn't they do one of those "How did your fellow housemates answer this question?" quizzes? So. These answers reflect what each houseguests thinks what the other houseguests think on the topic? Ouch. My head is hurting.

I'll just summarize what they think the majority thinks -- it'd be nicer to rub butter off of Danielle's body than Jen's, they'd rather Mike date their little sister than the Nick-of-constant-flirting, Joe would more likely cheat than Dustin (as mentioned earlier), Danielle would hold a grudge longer than Dick, Eric is a better person to turn for cheering up than Jessica, Zach is more likely to turn $500,000 to $5,000,000 than Kail, while Jameka and Amber are equally likely to help an old lady across the street.

Finally, four players remain as the HoH competition goes into a tie breaker -- Dustin, Eric, Jen and Joe. The tie breaker question -- "How many gallons of water does the spinning tea cup in the backyard hold?" Everyone guesses 100+ gallons, except for Jen who guesses 41. It turns out to be a trick question -- because it has an opening, the teacup only holds 9 gallons. That means Jen, the houseguest everyone was planning to evict this week, is now in charge of determining the nominations. As always, irony rules the Big Brother household and, now, the remaining housemates know how Jen felt when she saw a bad photo of herself.

Tune in to The Early Show tomorrow to find out who cast the sole vote against Amber! No, wait, Jen is telling Amber it was her just as the credits roll. In any case, I could probably use some Jen puns for Sunday's episode ... have any good suggestions? I'd Jenuinely appreciate 'em!