Big Brother recap: She's like the black fly in your chardonnay

Suddenly I'm engrossed by Jen. How did this happen? The "Waaaaaahhh! I took an imperfect picture! Waaaahhh!" lady has gone from schadenfreudetastic to the most compelling houseguest on Big Brother. I'm even ready to forgive her connections to Mike (ugh) Boogie. She's narcissistic, totally immune to criticism, incapable of reading other people, absolutely self-involved and totally unable to form alliances. Jen is one of those moments when I love reality TV because you just can't come up with a character like her; in fiction she'd come off as bad writing, but here is Jen being one of the most absurd persons ever.

We're reminded of that absurdity as we re-watch the nomination ceremony for last time, with Jen chastising Dick and Danielle about "causing a negative atmosphere for everyone that's, like, awkward to be around." We cut quickly to Joe calling out that silly rationale: "Jen, you're on the negative energy list because everyone hates you. There'd be no negative energy in this house if you weren't here." Uhm, wha? Okay, I was totally with Joe for the former sentence but as for the latter... really, Joe? Is it time for a joke about pots and kettles, already?

"I hope to crush people's dreams that are this negative." Jen coldly tells the diary room. Her voice is utterly flat and the look in her eyes would go better with a discussion of toast, not dream-crushing. There's not a hint of vindictiveness or fury to them, which is so very perplexing -- when was the last time anyone said, "I hope to crush people's dreams" with so little emotion? Somehow, Jen's atrocious grammar just makes this moment even better. "I don't want someone that a sneaky scandalous or crude or rude person to win."

Oh, for the lovva... would you believe Amber is crying again? "In terms of these two nominations, I love them both so much." I wonder if Amber's considered that God put Dick and Danielle up on the chopping block to prove what a strong decision maker she can be?

Finally we're done with the nomination reaction segment, moving onto the big Danielle/Nick showmance. Is this just my poor knowledge of Big Brother or is it surprising how quickly this relationship has developed? I know I usually check out of Big Brother seasons early but I swear that in week two the show is usually still trying to convince the audience that the current season's twist is paying out with plenty of drama.

Nick tells Danielle about the Conference Room Alliance. Was this cleared at the last meeting? Was it even in the minutes? "They approached me on day one," he explains, "They said, 'We're going to make an alliance. Are you in?' I said, 'Yeah.' Because what else am I going to say? If I say no, then I'm a target right away... I don't trust those guys. I trust you." On the other hand, it's never too soon to see an alliance fall apart, especially when that alliance involves the "half the town works for me" lady and her beefy lunkheads.

Nick's confessions continue, "I want to tell you this because -- I'm going to cry -- I want to tell you because I've developed feelings for you. And I don't think your as some person I'm trying to play in the game, you know? I didn't come in expecting to feel like this." To some degree, Nick's comes off as a lovesick puppy, which is kinda cute, except that they haven't been in that house for three weeks, yet. He's making me worry that the cabin fever the Big Brother houseguests usually experience is making an early appearance.

In exchange, Danielle spills her big secret, telling Nick that she doesn't turn 21 until August. I'm not sure if I see an equal exchange of secrets, but then, Nick has more secrets to share than Danielle. Meanwhile, Zach and Mike are relaxing on the hammock. Zach is worrying that Nick is getting played by Danielle, but fears that they won't know for sure until it's hurt their alliance. Mike's nodding, hm-mm'ing and staring into space like he were on a bad date. If this were an actual soap opera, Mike would have been bumped down to recurring player status for all the talking he doesn't do.

It's time to check in with America's Player, other wise known as the point where Eric really plays it up for the camera. Eric learns his task for the week -- to "sleepwalk" his way into a houseguest's bed -- and yes he did air quotes. It turns out America voted with me and picked Joe as the houseguest who Eric will sleep with -- Eric gets sarcastic with the camera "Thank you so much America, this won't be awkward at all." For a Big Brother fan, Eric doesn't act like he understands Big Brother's audience. Doesn't he realize that, if he were in the audience, he'd be voting to mess with America's Player as much as possible? He's lucky our options are limited, otherwise he'd be seeing assignments like "Come out to Kail," "Set up Joe and Nick on a date," or "Feed Danielle a cheeseburger."

After a bit of pacing around in the hall, poor Eric tries to crawl into Joe's bed but has trouble finding finding space in the bed, which isn't very big and is shared with Jessica. We then see a short but very funny bit of physical comedy, where Eric tries to make space for himself in Joe's bed without looking too alert as Joe starts looking up trying to figure out what's going on. Eric gives up pretty quickly -- so quickly, I swear we're seeing the same footage being shown several times, each from a different camera angle. It's too bad this one didn't work. Joe's other assignment this week was to get Joe's bedmate, Jessica, nominated for eviction. Those two America's Player tasks combined could have created a great story about Eric suppressing a crush on Joe.

The next morning Joe questions Eric about the sleepwalking incident in the shower. "Do you sleep... anything at night? ..You know how a cat rubs your leg? You were doing that to my leg." Eric denies it was him, stopping to find a camera to direct a knowing wink. Please. Stop.

It's time for the veto competition or, rather, selecting the competitors for the veto competition. Usually, I'd skip over this part because Amber is picked to compete. Her reaction is tears, "The fact that I was chosen to play in the veto competition is a lot of pressure on me. This is really hard, I don't know what to do." If playing in the veto competition is enough pressure to drive Amber to tears, I don't want to know what happens when she's asked if she'd like the fries or a baked potato with her dinner. Dustin offers her a reassuring hug along with encouraging words. Aw.

Meanwhile, Jen suddenly becomes all assertive. She tells Amber how she wants the veto competition to be played, ending with a threat to nominate Dustin if either of her nominations were vetoed. That gets Amber to cry even more, "Jen's putting pressure on me that's not fair to have on me." Did someone trick Amber into thinking she was really auditioning for the "Gumdrops, Pianos and Whiskers on Kittens Show"? (Mental note, work on a pitch for the "Gumdrops, Pianos and Whiskers on Kittens Show.")

Jen attempts to make the same threat to Joe, "If you took anyone off, I would put up whoever you're closest to. Probably." I like how she doesn't commit in her threat, as if she knows that if something shiny distracts her at the time, she'll forget all about her vengeful promise. Joe shrugs off the threat, "Who am I closest to in this house? ...There's nobody you could put up who would directly affect me."

Meanwhile, Amber has taken her crying to the storage room where Danielle, Nick and Jameka are there to hear her out. Jameka has one of the best encouraging words I've herd in a long time, "You take authority of your body right now and you pull it together." I love it, 'take authority of your body' sounds like something a drill sergeant would tell Linda Blair in The Exorcist. I hope it becomes the new way for people to tell each other to "get a grip." Meanwhile, Nick rewards Ambers waterworks with a beefy hug.

In the living room, Danielle has come out and decided to yell at Jen for making Amber cry, the beginning of a Jen pile-on. After Danielle storms out, Joe takes a turn yelling at her, followed by some angry words from Dick, "I'm going to come after you like a [censored] you've never seen before." Jen reacts to these harsh words (and they're completely toned down from what the live feed subscribers heard) with a slightly amused look. She looks more like someone who was walking down the street and saw that they were filming scenes for Grey's Anatomy than someone being berated. If she came off as more intelligent, I'd say she looked like a puppetmaster thrilled to see her pawns behaving exactly as she intended. I'm not sure that Jen has puppetmaster capability. Still, she's wearing some cool shades that really makes her look like some soap opera schemer, all calm and smug.

I'd say the producers are trying to get us to like Joe at the last minute, because at this point they give him another great line, "For me, it's ironic, because here you put people up on the block for making your life hell and making all this negative energy. But what do you do for the veto competition? You attack me and make her cry. Irony, it's cool. Irony, I love it."

Finally, it's time for the veto competition. Jessica interviews that she was happy not to be involved in all the veto competition drama, which is probably the show's way of reminding us that Jessica wasn't evicted when we weren't looking.

For the veto competition the backyard has been transformed into Christmas in July. Dustin, who is fun as the announcer, "Generosity and warmth are common themes throughout the holiday season," he reads, as we see Amber and Danielle hugging to demonstrate that principle of generosity and warmth. Dustin continues, "but not in the Big Brother house, tears and bitterness are more often the case. Welcome to the cutthroat Christmas." And Amber now looks all ready to break into tears, like the name "Cutthroat Christmas" brings up some very specific, painful memories of past cutthroat Christmases.

Basically, it turns out Danielle could join the Olympic curling team, though who knows if they still play curling at the Olympics. Despite the skill, Amber threw the competition in the last round, presumably because deciding whether or not to use the veto would be too much pressure. The best moment comes when Dick totally chokes on his throw in round two. "Dick is sucking," he quips. Once more, I say:

No one steals any of the presents, so everyone gets whatever was in the package they picked up. Joe gets a slop pass. Jen gets a red leotard that she will be required to wear for the rest of the week -- at the sight of it she's jumping up and down and squealing with a little too much intensity. She's coming off as someone trying to convince you she's happy with a present she positively hates, but hates the idea of you knowing she hates her present even more. Mike, much to my dismay, doesn't steal the unitard and wins a "Big Brother date." Amber wins a pair of handcuffs and learns that she will have to spend the next 24 hours handcuffed to another housemate. Danielle, natch gets the Power of Veto.

At first I was a bit surprised to learn that Amber chose to have Kail handcuffed to her, "I chose Kail because Kail's a mom, just like me." Oh. That explains it, Amber's back on her 'bond of motherhood' kick. "We're both on slop," Amber continues, "It just all in all, on the whole, made more sense." Kail sitting next to her and looking like she won a tickets for her local LGBT film festival.

Jen, meanwhile, loves her new leotard, even though there seems to be issues with the suit revealing a little too much. "Way to go Big Brother your punishments blow." Joe complains. Yeah, they don't get much mileage out of their twists, either. We see a montage of the different ways Jen gets creative with her new leotard. It looks best when she accessorizes it with a large belt (which also helps distract from the fit issues) it's pretty Emma Peel. Perhaps this could be a Project Runway challenge -- make a decent outfit using only a unitard.

And now it's time for the post-veto competition. Zach campaigns for Jen to nominate Joe when Danielle takes herself out of the running, "I don't know what you're thinking but I know this is a golden opportunity to backdoor Joe." And, once more:

Hey, remember the time last season when Jace got put up for eviction and there was that big "I can't believe you backdoor'ed me!"/"We didn't backdoor you!" fight? Ah, Big Brother always good entertainment for those with Peter Pan complexes.

Next, Mike, Kail and Amber come in to campaign for Joe. Jen tries to get them to stop, "I keep getting annoyed just because people keep putting the same person up so I almost don't want to put that person up, just 'cause everyone wants me to put him up." Of course, Dustin comes in at this moment to talk about the advantages of nominating Joe, annoying Jen to get up and just walk out of the room. Jen wanders around the house, sees Nick talking with Danielle and returns to the HoH room to announce that she'll be nominating Nick.

Unfortunately, at this point the show skips ahead to the veto ceremony. That means we've skipped over one interesting moment where Nick convinces Jen not to nominate him. I liked that Nick doesn't play up his sex appeal in this case. Danielle kinda rambles her way through her veto speech, but Jen gives us another gem in her response, "That was a lovely speech by Danielle, it really does show that she is sweet somewhere inside that I didn't notice before." Jen replaces Danielle with Joe as a nomination.

Tonight's America's Player has a new twist --it only counts as a complete task if the houseguest we tell Eric to vote out actually gets evicted. I guess that means they don't want us to make Eric vote against the rest of the house just for the sake of it? Alternately, this could be their way of encouraging us to mess with Eric even more.

It's looking like Joe will be going home in tomorrow night's eviction. I'm a bit mixed at the prospect since Joe's been at the center of the more interesting live feed stories I'm following -- like his flirtations with Nick and his couples therapy discussions with Dustin. On the other hand, Joe is totally the gay reality TV stereotype, right down to the snappy narration, obvious lusting for an unavailable man, gossiping and catty attitudes. From a gay visibility standpoint, Joe's been a part of stories we rarely see on reality TV, even though he re-enforces common stereotypes. What do you think? Will you miss Joe, either for the stories he brings to Big Brother or for the drama and personality he brings?