Big Brother Recap: Jen is truly, truly, truly outrageous

I think I've realized why I've come to enjoy watching Jen so much and find her a person I enjoy from the distance of the television. With her self-centered nature, vanity and ability to tune-out of a conversation when the topic isn't her own virtue, Jen is the reality TV version of Jane Christie. At this point she's just become the greatest reality TV find since Wendy Pepper.

As usual, we begin with a rewind to Sunday's nomination ceremony, where Dick nominated Kail and Jen. He explains the nomination as payback for campaigning to get him evicted last week. "Jen is there to spank her and show her a lesson and tell her not to @#$% me." Oh boy, I think we've entered the part of the story where the HoH develops control issues.

Kail is quite shaken by the nomination and is quickly promising to "play a whole different game". Jen, on the other hand, is numb to Dick's "spanking." She laughs at Dick and tells him he made an obvious choice, grinning. "You're not my target," Dick tells Jen, but, like everything else, she shrugs off that comment, as well.

In the backyard, they continue to discuss the nominations. Jen tries to defend herself by noting she wasn't originally part of the Conference Room Alliance, which doesn't really wash with Dick since he's focused on the two people who were working to get him evicted. Jen challenges Dick's confidence that the results have already been determined to his liking: "I'm not saying (Kail)'s even going home. Why can't I go home? I could go home. Easily. Everyone hates me... that I've been told."

She gives an awkward laugh, this is the first time she's seemed vulnerable since she took that awful photograph on the wall o' houseguests. Dick snaps that he's not "playing the game on a personal level," unlike Jen. If that were the case, wouldn't Mike or Zach be on the chopping block, as a way to break up the Conference Room Alliance?

Later in the night, the other houseguests are challenging Zach to "streak to the pool naked." I am more curious about this non-naked type of streaking that Zach isn't referring to -- perhaps it involves wearing those bodystockings with the sewn-on genitals they use in Zumanity? Zach gives in and, with CBS using a really big blur (seriously, they use the blur when he's covering himself up with his shorts) it ends up feeling like one of those moments that just fills time.

Jen wakes up Kail to talk strategy. Kail thinks she's got a challenge ahead of her because the houseguests will want to honor the HoH's request. Jen quickly points out that her requests weren't respected, so why take it for granted that things will go differently for Dick? "You don't think these people think Evil's god around here?" Kail responds. I love these moments of Kail the accidental philosopher. It sounds like they're devil-worshipers in the Big Brother house.

Mike enters the room and offers to try to help them in the veto competition. "You've been nothing but loyal to me and I want to continue that through and through." I wish I could say this made Mike seem interesting, but he still comes off as a pretty guy with little personality.

Dick comes by to interrupt Kail's sleep and she quickly turns to groveling. "My life is in your hands, basically" she pleads, "I'm nobody, I'm not a threat." Dick mentions that she could re-form her alliance with Mike and that he doesn't see Jen as a threat. Heh, isn't that one of the biggest mistakes in Big Brother -- underestimating the houseguest with a poor grasp on reality? Kail then asks to keep the conversation between them before trying to get Dick to focus on Jen instead -- hey, didn't Kail start her groveling by saying she's loyal? Nice loyalty.

Ah. Time for America's Player, otherwise known to me as the "Eric mugs for the camera" segment. I probably would find Eric funny if he didn't try so hard to be funny. This time Eric's assignment is to "personally vandalize the personal property of the houseguest America has chosen." Eric is giggling as he reads this, which really annoys me. If I were instructed to vandalize someone's property in a game like Big Brother, I wouldn't be giggling at the thought -- not, at least, before reading who's stuff I'd be messing with. (What if the vote went to Dick, for example?) When he finds out he's been assigned to mess with Jen's property, he's "tickled pink" and tells us that, "It really makes me quite pleased to know America hates Jen as much as the rest of the house." Now, Eric, you're assuming and don't you know what happens when you assume? For all you know, America could be seeking to earn Jen some sympathy points.

So. Eric's act of vandalism turns out to be squirting mustard over one of her t-shirts. When Jen sees the stained t-shirt, she laughs pretty Jenuinely, "Who's in second grade?" she calls as she steps into the hallway. By the way, at this point the blur has returned, focused on Jen's backside. I guess that means she wears her pants like a plummer. "I don't understand why anyone would do that," Jen tells us, "It's retarded." Okay, I'm happy it was a t-shirt that was stained and not anything important, but really, Eric, mustard? Didn't you have access to something that leaves a really stubborn stain like oil, tomato sauce (which, unlike ketchup, has some grease that helps the stain set) or lipstick? How about chocolate? Nothing gets chocolate out.

Jen starts asking around to figure out who might have made the stain. There's a few funny reactions (if you don't count Eric's exaggerated shock) but I can't believe they didn't show how Amber broke into tears over the incident -- all while Jen calmly washes her t-shirt. Don't the Big Brother writers know what a running gag is? Amber cries at the drop of a hat (probably because she's considering how the hat felt about being dropped) the gag's been established. You can't stop showing it all of a sudden.

Dick gathers the houseguests to pick who'll be competing for the Power of Veto. As Jen sits, he tells her, "Oh, Jen. The hot seat, you wear it well." Actually, she does. She's looking rather amused and collected while Kail is positively squirming. Zach, Jessica and Nick are selected, "the worst case scenario" according to Kail. Dick spends the time until the competition trying to psyche out Kail, following her around and telling her how badly she's been playing. He takes a break to corner Jen in the storeroom and tell her how Kail was selling him on pushing Jen out instead, "Kail was willing to sell you under the bus yesterday." Wait, huh? How do you sell someone under the bus? Jen's confused by Dick's turn of a phrase as well, "She has nothing to sell me on." Dick explains what he means and warns Jen not to try to save her. Here is where Jen really turns into Jane, for me. "I'm saving myself." she replies, sounding a little confused about the idea of winning the power of veto and using it to help someone else.

After witnessing Dick yell at Kail for attempting to sell Jen under the bus, Jen tells Jessica, "He's good at intimidating -- not me, but Kail. I feel bad." And guess who's strutting into the room as she says this? Dick tries to re-enforce Kail's betrayal, seeming to be frustrated by how she's not taking Kail's threat as seriously as he is. Jen seems even more amused by his frustration.

Oh. Joy. Eric comes out to announce that it's time for the veto competition. He's dressed as The Mad Hatter. Please, Big Brother, don't give Eric reasons to get goofy. Breathing inspires enough goofiness in Eric as it is. The PoV competitors also get to dress as the Mad Hatter and the houseguests find a yard decorated for a tea party. Oooh! A tea party challenge? What could that be? Cucumber sandwich eating? Moving one place on? Telling stories about treacle? Being earnest?

Aw, instead, they're forced to stand and balance martini glasses on their hats. Way to disappoint a Lewis Carroll fanboy, Big Brother. Kail has been shaken so badly by Dick's pre-completion taunting that she's the first one to drop her glass. "You guys can all quit already, I'm gone." she snaps as she leaves to run to her bed. Kail needs to realize she's not the center of the Big Brother universe. Then the houseguests come out in wacky costumes, trying to crack up the houseguests so that their glasses will fall. Danielle says that they were specifically aiming to ensure a victory for Dick and, from what we see, they are targeting their attempts at everybody but Dick. One by one, glasses drop until only Jen and Dick remain. Kail returns from her bed and starts cheering on Jen, which seems to really annoy Dick who mutters grumpily at Kail.

Dick next tries to get Jen to quit the game voluntarily, promising that he plans on voting Kail out and, therefore, doesn't need the power of veto. Jen isn't convinced, "Why would I give up? I don't want to pack my bags." I think that sounds rather sensible, but Dick calls her an idiot for that logic. "I want to guarantee I won't be going home and I want to guarantee that." she responds, prompting Dick to call her stupid, this time. At this point, Dick's not coming off as an honest truth teller or a strong player, he's acting like a petulant brat who can't believe it when someone doesn't see things his way.

The houseguest continue to try to break Jen's concentration, including Dustin who is now wearing Jen's old unitard and dancing around in it. At first he's wearing it as in one of those improvised swimsuits, prompting another blur from CBS, this time around Dustin's crotch. Overall, as Kail notices, the houseguests are all focusing on psyching out Jen, with only Mike taunting Dick. Mike, unfortunately, doesn't know how to be funny. I guess that's no surprise, he's shown little personality, so far. If he could be funny we probably would have noticed by now.

Kail follows Mike back into the house to try to help him assemble a funny costume. That sets off Dick's paranoia, "Someone go inside and listen to the two scheming in there," he instructs. He really hates not being in control of a situation, isn't he? If only Kail and Mike knew about this, they probably could have done the best job shaking up Dick by going upstairs and taking a nap. He wouldn't believe anyone who told him they weren't up to anything until he could see it for himself, driving him crazy for almost no effort. Unfortunately, Mike goes in an out in a variety of costumes and props. He's never funny in them, but in all fairness none of the other hosueguest summoned a 576616 in me either. Eventually, we do get the site of Mike rubbing whipped cream on his chest and licking it off. Finally, the idea of Mike resisting him angers dick enough to give up the competition. "Welcome to the block" he mutters to Mike. Mike shrugs off the threat, "It's only a game." Fine, now I find myself kinda liking the guy.

Ugh. It's time for Kail to have the Dairy Room session where the nominated houseguest humiliates herself. "It's out of my hand, it's out of my control. It's in God's hands, really. It's not in Evil's hands. It's in God's hands and I pray for protection that people see who I am, not who Evil thinks I am." Yes we've got a double, here, between thinking that God micromanages all our reality TV competitions and the unintended philosophical waxing over what Evil thinks of her. Gold.

Dick's paranoia gets a highlight when he realizes that Zach and Jen were in the HoH room with Nick. That makes Dick furious, because he suspects they were scheming behind his back in his own room, when in reality they were standing around staring at a TV screen monitoring the other houseguests. Wow, how desperate for stimulus do you have to be to be willing to watch on TV something that's happening a few feet away?

Dick orders Amber to go up and kick Nick out of the room for him, a request that she shrugs off. They don't show us how Amber breaks into tears over Dick's anger, prompting Danielle to interrupt a session of Nick and Dick yelling at each other. Seriously, Big Brother, what's up? Danielle warns her father that he's powertripping on the HoH and alienating the rest of the house. He turns the topic on to her, by bringing up her relationship with Nick. When Danielle tries to push the subject back to his behavior as HoH, he pretends he's not dodging the subject, "You only want to talk about what you want to talk about and I want to talk about everything." Well, everything Dick's okay with discussing. Finally Danielle storms out of the room in frustration. Later, Dick approaches Danielle on the hammock to suggest they go seek family counseling once they're done with Big Brother.

It's veto ceremony time, meaning I'm sighing at the impending predictablitiy of it all. If Big Brother wants to shake things up, they'd revamp these silly ceremonies that fit one of two patterns. However, Jen turns things around by asking herself to justify her using the veto on herself. That's seriously how Jane would act if she were in the Big Brother house. After she does use the veto on herself, Dick goes up to announce his replacement and starts by saying he's going to do something a little unexpected -- only to nominate Mike, which we totally expected. Sheesh, way to make boring TV, Dick.