Big Brother recap: Booyakah, I would not do that for a dollar, sweet chicken.

The "America's Player" votes on this season of Big Brother have had a reliable cycle. On Thursdays the question is "Who should Eric try to get nominated?" On Tuesdays, its "Who should Eric try to get evicted?" On Sunday's the question is pure bleah, with exciting topics like "Who should Eric tell a made-up sob story to?" or "Whose property should Eric vandalize?" Come on, CB. We want to get to vote on something kinda interesting — we want to make our puppet dance for us.

Tonight's poll is "Which catchphrase should Eric start in the Big Brother House?" I think I just cured someone's insomnia by telling you that. Julie Chen made a second suggestion about us getting to vote on who Eric "showmances", but instead we get to pick his catchphrase? Is Big Brother having a laugh? Are they having a laugh? (Sorry, can you guess which DVD I watched this weekend?) Even worse, the three choices -- sweet chicken, booyakah and I'd do that for a dollar -- are all as boring as the task.

Now. What I'd really like to see in an "America's Player" vote is "Which phrase should Eric get banned from the Big Brother house? I am already so tired of Dick's passive "It is what it is" as well as the new one about selling someone under the bus. People, you sell someone out or you throw them under the bus.

Maybe if one of CBS' catchphrases incorporated "J'accuse!" it'd be more interesting

Sigh. The new opening credits confirm that Mike's really gone. His half-naked studliness has been replaced in the opening with footage of his exit from the house. He does clean up nicely, but I missed the show having a bit of guaranteed beefcake.

Mike's eviction, however, has started the latest bit of bickering in the house -- who dared go against the will of the house and vote to evict Kail instead of Mike. Dick immediately accuses Jen of voting against her ally.

Now, I know lonesome votes of dissension can be used to spot an undiscovered alliance, but when did going "opposite the house" turn into an insult of some kind? Considering the reaction, you'd think the game was about figuring out which directions the lemmings were running and following them off the cliff.

Meanwhile, the other reactions to Mike's eviction have me gesticulating like Lewis Black. "Prayer does work," Kail cheers. Ugh. It really annoys me when people use prayer to treat God like a personal concierge from above. Then, Dick interviews that, "The plan was for Mike to leave." Really? Then why'd he nominate Kail and Jen, then get so angry when Mike tried to get him to lose the veto? Dick's coming off as a control freak who always insists things are going according to his plan. He continues to show those control freak tendencies with his first words to Kail: "Just so you know, Kail, this was worked out a long time ago, it's not because you have friends here."

Later, we see Nick bringing up the "Who else voted against Kail?" question to Amber -- who immediately afterward turns around and begins throwing suspicions on Nick, apparently, on the "Who smelt it, dealt it" principle. This prompts a discussion where Amber explains that Nick "played both sides."

Danielle is smart enough to be puzzled by that and to ask, "How is Zach helping him at all?" Since there isn't an answer to that one, Amber just repeats that Nick is playing both sides as everyone else reminds Danielle that she has personal feelings that are probably getting in the way of seeing how things are. That group includes Jameka, who disappoints me for not questioning Amber's ridiculous deduction. How does one play both sides when only one side has any power?

Dick, meanwhile, wonders how Jen knew about the plan to vote out Mike, giving Amber another chance to point a finger at Nick, saying that Nick must be informing the old Conference Room Alliance. Wow, I think we have reached the point where the houseguests have started to lose their sanity. "Nick has gone from the golden boy," Dick interviews, "to worse than the stock market of 1920." I guess it could be worse -- he could be worse than the stock market of 1929 or maybe 1930.

I wasn't crying when I met you but we're all crying now

Last time, the Big Brother producers missed two opportunities to show Amber crying, but guess what made a bleary comeback tonight? Yep, Dustin's winning the Head of Household brought Amber to tears. "I love him so much," she says through the tears, "we and Dustin deserve it." Wait, wha? Did she just claim co-ownership of Dustin's HoH, as if she earned it with him?

Last night was a big night for tears. It almost makes me wish I thought of doing a "cry count" like one America's Next Top Model recapper does. After Amber's tears, we get Dustin having his first cry in the Big Brother house. A letter left in his HoH room from his brother invokes a strong reaction in Dustin. "This is the letter from my brother and he's glad there are people in this world who get to see me be the person that I am ... I love him so much and I'm so glad he's able to see me right now, because I don't get to see him." He says this as a Niagara Falls worth of tears stream down his face.

I'm really starting to worry about the houseguests; at the four week mark, they're taking the isolation really hard.

Jen also has her second instance of crying, though according to live feed viewers, she blamed hormones working on her emotions at the moment. At this point, I think Nate, Zach, Jessica and Jameka are the only ones who haven't been seen crying on the show.

Could this be where the writers stop portraying Dick positively?

Dick's latest attempt at bullying comes when Jen wraps up dinner by declaring, "I'm gonna have a baby tonight. I've got to stop eating so much." Dick thinks anyone who has had kids should scoff at such a statement, much like single women who call their dog "their baby." Mother and dog-guardian* Amber disagrees. "My dog ... is just like my kid. I worry about her just as much I do my daughter. It's just love. Love is love."

Dick finds Amber's perspective stupid (but, then again, doesn't he find everything that doesn't match his view stupid?) and starts playing mental games with her until she contradicts herself, before switching back. After pushing her around, Dick turns it into "I don't see why you taking what I say so personally," as if he didn't take every little thing personally, himself.

Now, I don't have children. But I've got parents with dogs, as does my better half. I totally see where Amber is coming from, especially if you're the emotional sort who cries over spilled milk. (Okay, we haven't seen Amber literally cry over spilled milk, but I'm sure it could happen before the season ends.) The only reason my mom has more stories about me than any of our dogs is because I've outlived all of them and have had time to do more interesting things than they did.

* I know this particular municipal code fueled many a punchline, but, y'know they're right -- if you see a pet as a member of the family, you're more of a guardian than an owner and in a dense city like San Francisco most people have pets for the companionship.

Hey, isn't Humpty Dumpty from Alice's Adventures in the Looking Glass not Wonderland? And am I the only one who cares?

The food competition was very cute, the kind of thing I'd like to try -- everyone had to split into pairs and race to assemble an egg-shaped puzzle -- putting Humpty Dumpty back together again. Jameka and Jessica win the competition and they get to put five people on slop. They are so cute in their victory, squealing and jumping with excitement. J&J pick Dick first since they think he's never been on slop before (I don't think Jen's ever been on slop, either, but they get to her despite their memory lapse) before giving slop to Zach, Kail, Nick and Jen.

Jen screams in excitement, later explaining "I have no self-control and if I'm on slop I can't eat dessert or cookies or chips or cereal or pasta. Slop is definitely more nutritional." I honestly can't tell if she's serious or if she's just pretending that it doesn't bother her, but I love the logic.

I'm not sure what I thought of Dustin as host of the competition, this time. He pronounced the 'w' in sword, which was worth a chuckle and referred to the winners at "Ms Jameka and Lordess Jessica." For some dumb reason, it bugs me that Dustin made up "Lordess" instead of calling her, "Lady Jessica." It also bugs me that he didn't give Jameka and Jessica equal titles, another "Is this really worth nitpicking here?" moment.

...aaaand I'd like to think this will be where Dick jumps the shark

Dick's conversation with Jen about plastic surgery was one of the more annoyingly inappropriate moments on reality TV:

Dick: So do you have a boob job or not? Don't look down, you either know or you don't and I say yes.
Jen: Why are you asking?
Dick: You didn't answer the boob job question so you obviously had a boob job.
Jen: No. Not necessarily.
Dick: Are you happy with your boob job?
Jen: I never answered the first question.
Dick: But you did answer the first question. We all know you had a boob job. So, c'mon, I could answer for you -- "Well, actually, I am happy about my boob job. I get a lot of attention from them but it's okay, I can deal with it." Other than that, what other work have you had done?
Jen: Huh?
Dick: Other than that, what other work have you had done?
Jen: What else does it look like I had done?
Dick: Triple chin? I don't know.
Jen: No.
Dick: You do that weird eye roll, it's almost like a...
Jen: It's a "I'm annoyed, why are you asking me this" eye roll.
Dick: If you had to do it again, would you get them bigger or smaller?
Jen: If I had a boob job, I would never do it again.
Dick: So you were probably an 'A' before...

I'll take stupid, sexist inappropriate conversations for $100, Alex. How old is this man -- 13?

And the rest:

• We learn that Dick likes to stay up late and set up traps for the early risers, like one instance where he sets the kitchen faucet to spray water on the next person to use it -- a trap that catches Danielle as she tries to make a fresh pot of coffee. I say she should have taken her first cup from that leftover coffee she was dumping out, to make sure she's alert while making her second cup of coffee. Maybe, then, she would have spotted the trap in time. Yawn. Isn't that a Jr. High level of joking?
• Okay, people, I have no idea what kind of comic convention Zach has gone to, but he describes one in Atlanta as having some strange S&M display, a story that gets reactions that switch from bored to appalled to bored again. What kind of comic cons do they have in Atlanta? The kinkiest thing I've ever seen at a comic convention was an entry at the Masquerade Ball in San Diego where a woman dressed as Isis lip synced to "It's Raining Men" while two shirtless studs (one with a Batman shield drawn on his chest in make-up, the other with a Shazam lighting bolt) dance behind her.
• Speaking of Zach, probably one of the funnier moments of the night came when they sped up footage of him approaching a group and having them all leave, one-by-one. And here I thought running film at double speed was a comedy goldmine that only The Munsters knew how to mine.
• By the way, the Dick and Danielle show has really worn out its welcome. They both come off as very immature.
• Kail grovels to Dustin offering herself as a pawn, a move she calls risky and "outside the box." You mean no one's begged the HoH to keep them in the house for one more week, before, pretending they'd be okay with getting nominated, as long as they didn't get evicted? Kail tells him he can nominate her as a pawn, if he can promise her four votes. Huh? Since when did the HoH have to negotiate nominations with the alliance that's fallen apart? Dustin interviews, however, that he actually intends on getting her voted out, calling her "Week, feeble, desperate and annoying."
• Oh America, once again you voted that America's Player should work to get Jen nominated for eviction. This is why we're the only country that doesn't get to pick its Big Brother winners.
• For the second week in a row, Kail and Jen are nominated for eviction. That's not even worth a subsection to itself, it's so dull. I'm starting to wonder if we should expect Bill Murray to walk down the stairs soon.