Surviving Survivor Episode 2: Broads, breasts, and butt-cracks

Thursday night's episode of Survivor: China provided so many possible names for this recap, I could hardly pick one. I considered Survivor: Underwear Model Shoot, Survivor: Mud Wrestling Ain't Just For Chicks, and Survivor: Eat Dave Already. Ultimately, however, I had to go with Broads, Breasts, and Butt-cracks because, well, the above pic about says it all. But I'll get to that in a moment.

Jeff Probst must have got my note last week about pronouncing Zhan Hu correctly because this week I could understand him when he said their name. Even though Zhan Hu got the gift of fire last episode, they still haven't done anything with it because their "leader" Dave insists they make the Ferrari of fire pits constructed out of stone. I guess he must be expecting one of China's many earthquakes or typhoons because he wants a fire pit to stand the tests of time. If he were one of the three little pigs, it's not hard to guess which one he would be.

So while he tries to build a fire pit to make the god's tremble, the others rightfully complain about this being their fourth day without food and shouldn't they just eat already? They are so right and you'll see why later.

Time for the reward challenge!

What looks one part of a giant pinball machine launches giant wooden balls down a chute and into a mud pit when Probst pulls a lever. Teams of three then have to try to push their ball across the opposing team's goal line while trying to keep the other team from doing the same. Gay Todd sits out for Fei Long since he's a tiny flight attendant. Maybe he'll serve beverages later.

And we're off!

As you can see from the above pic, the folks aren't wearing much. Sherea really fills out that top, but that doesn't keep her from ripping off the tops of the women on the opposing team. In fact, the whole thing becomes a brutal game of strip poker, but without the silly card game first. Instead, folks just rip off tops and pants left and right and becomes what I imagine a really fun night in a Texas bar might be like.

All during the challenge, Probst keeps yelling at Zhan Hu to pay attention and get with it. You really get the feeling he doesn't like this group of so far losers. Despite Sherea's willingness to de-bra her fellow women, it really is no contest with Fei Long triumphing again, and how could it be otherwise when Fei Long has someone like James on their team. In fact, I feel compelled to put up a pic of James from last week for, um, journalistic purposes.

Like I said, is this Survivor or an underwear shoot for Genre? Not that I'm complaining, mind you!

Fei Long won fishing gear along with a fishing boat. I doubt it's anything to extravagant like Donald Trump's yacht (though that would be a fun twist) but will be some crappy dingy that requires a lot of bailing.

Of course, there's a twist. Fei Long "kidnaps" a member of Zhan Hu for a day. They pick Jaime who so hasn't registered with me I can't even picture her so I'm not going to! Probst then gives her a tube that she is to open in private when she gets to the Fei Long camp. She's instructed to do whatever the message inside the tube tells her to do. I'm hoping it involves opening a secret hatch and having Matthew Fox pop out. I could "survive" him if I had to.

Back at Zhan Hu's camp things aren't so hot.

While they were away it appears a flood hit their camp, though unless they are a couple of hours from Fei Long, I'm not sure how they could get so much rain while Fei Long stays relatively dry. Personally, I think Probst is annoyed at how much they suck so far and ordered the crew to flood their camp as punishment.

But at least Dave's fire pit is still standing. True, it holds no fire, but why be picky? Everyone is still starving and some of them look so haggard and skinny you'd think this was day Day 30 and not Day Four. Dave and Ashley keep fighting...and fighting...and fighting. You so know they are going to lose the next challenge and have to send someone home. Furthermore, you know it's going to be either Ashley or Dave, and it's of course going to be Ashley because there is no way it's going to be a physically strong guy so early in the game.

Back at Fei Long, Aaron, Gay Todd, and Amanda form an alliance I'm going to call the Calvin Klein Underwear alliance because Aaron looks so hot in that underwear. I'm a little worried about their alliance however as there are eight members of Fei Long and three isn't exactly a majority. But whatever.

Faceless Jamie opens up the tube and learns there is an immunity idol hidden somewhere in Fei Long's camp and she has to give to a second tube with a clue to its location to a member of Fei Long. Given that Probst told them that The Art of War should be their playbook this season, I'm baffled why Jamie doesn't crack that sucker open and read it herself. I'm certain Sun Tzu would approve. Then again, he's dead and Probst certainly has a legal contract Faceless Jaime signed guaranteeing she does whatever he tells her.

Jaime interviews she wants to give the clue to Fei Long's weakest member and we cut to...

Christian Leslie.

Leslie interviews she is sick, depressed, and really, really misses her Bible. Now if I were a Christian, I'd be annoyed by this editing as it does seem a little harsh cutting from Faceless Jaime's comment to Christian Leslie so abruptly. Anyway, like I said, Christian Leslie feels she can't connect to God without her Bible which, frankly, confuses me. Isn't a Bible just paper and ink? Granted, I'm just a little gay heathen, but isn't there a parable about God being in the wind and the trees and even the cockroaches? And what about that sappy poster showing the footprints in the sand that turn out to be God's while he carries someone through really difficult times? And haven't plenty of people like John McCain and Nelson Mandela endured really tough times without a Bible to fall back on? Christian Leslie really needs to buck up.

Anyway, Christian Leslie says she knows God put her on Survivor for a reason. And here I was hoping God — if he/she/it exists — was working on stopping global warming. Silly me.

Cue Faceless Jaime giving Christian Leslie the clue which she immediately credits to God. Christian Leslie reads the clue which is some obvious thing about the idol being hidden right in front of everyone's eyes. I immediately think of James' underwear. Or Aaron's for that matter. If I were Leslie those are the first two places I'd check. Of course, God might not approve of that. Fortunately, I'm not Christian. Unfortunately, I'm sitting here writing a recap and am not in China. Or was not in China. Whatever.

Meanwhile, Gay Todd is hanging around camp.

Okay. that was lame and I'm sorry. (No, I'm not!)

Christian Leslie runs all around camp in a lame montage looking for the hidden immunity idol which I'm pretty sure is hanging right above their shelter's doorway. If that's it, then it's the lamest hidden idol ever and Christian Leslie is dumber than a panda for not even considering it. Proving that might be the case, she decides to confide in someone smarter than herself and chooses Gay Todd. She tells him the immunity idol is hidden in camp which about causes his eyes to bug out. He swears he trusts Leslie and that she can trust him to find the idol and use it together. Somehow I keep picturing a helpless guinea pig trusting a hungry python.

He later interviews he can't believe what a whack job Christian Leslie is for trusting anyone with that piece of info. He also talks about how Christian Leslie's been ill and if she goes home then he'll be the only one to know about the idol. He practically cackles Bwa-ha-ha and if I were Christian Leslie I wouldn't eat anything Gay Todd served her. Or walk alone with him along a high cliff. Gay Todd might be small, but he's scary right now.

By the way, we don't know yet what kind of Christian Christian Leslie is yet. Is she a firebreathing, Bible-thumping, gays will burn in hell Christian? Or is she the more tolerant, we're all God's children, who am I to judge type? Given her unwillingness to pray in the Buddhist temple and her Bible withdrawal, I'm guessing she's a little bit more of a winger. So I'm dying to see how she's going to react when she learns she may have just handed Gay Todd the key to a million dollars that he can use in all sorts of illicit, gay ways like donating to Hillary's campaign. I'm betting she'll blame Satan who is really...Faceless Jaime!

Meanwhile, back at Zhan Hu things still suck and Ashley is still guaranteeing she is going home tonight.

Everything isn't all roses at Fei Long either. Jean-Robert is either shaping up to be a genius (doubtful) or a moron (likely) by utilizing a strategy of sleeping a lot while everyone gripes about that. His brilliant idea is that he'll dazzle them later by working really hard and then his fellow tribe members will be tripping all over themselves to give him the million dollars. If that kind of strategy really worked, Bush would be looking at a landslide third time. Since Jean-Robert doesn't look nearly as hot in his underwear as Aaron or James, he's damned lucky that Zhan Hu still has seven more folks that they can send home. As soon as their gone, he's toast.

That brings us to the next challenge. It involves battering down two doors, solving a Chinese maze-puzzle and hitting a gong.

They should just let James do it himself. I love how Gay Todd is running alongside like he's giving advice. Speaking of advice, Probst has to again keep yelling at Zhan Hu to keep trying and that their not out of it yet. You can see how annoyed he is that is turning out be so lopsided. If I were Zhan Hu, I'd check their beds for snakes tonight.

Here is the maze puzzle thingie. Actually, it's kind of cool. I'm thinking of giving them as presents for Christmas.

Fei Long wins of course. Gay Todd grabs the idol ad promptly whacks Jean Robert with it. Okay, I just wish he would.

And — surprise, surprise! — Probst snuffs Ashley's torch. We hardly knew, Ashley, and hardly care.

BTW, the previews from next week make the mud pit fight look like kid's stuff. Survivor is getting brutal!