Surviving Survivor Episode 3: Wanna See Some Plumber Butt?

Sorry this week's recap is late! The computer ate my homework. Or something.

Remember how class — or the lack thereof — was the theme of last week's episode? Well, it was classier this week, but as the recap title indicates it wasn't exactly cultured, as you'll see.

It's Day 10 and we start off seeing Jean-Groper deciding he needs to quit being such a slacker around the camp even though he figures Toothpick is still certain to go before him.

Speaking of Toothpick, she seems to have learned zilch from nearly getting axed last time out. You'd think she'd be smart enough to stop getting into spats with Jean-Groper, but when he tries to keep her from burning her hand, she goes all "Don't you take that tone with me!" Fine, let her burn her hand. Maybe there will be a double eviction and they'll both go.

BAD, RICE! BAD!

We then cut to Zhan Hu as the tribe discovers much of their rice has gone moldy. That's gotta hurt. What follows is then a show-down between Dictator Dave and Sherea, now known as Back Up Off Me! (BUOM!) for reasons you'll see shortly.

Anyway, BUOM! discovered the rice was moldy and separated the bad rice out, but apparently not to Dave's satisfaction. He "instructs" her to leave the bag where it is so the good and the bad rice don't get mixed up. Um, hello, Dave! Already separated the bad rice out! Anyway, BUOM! goes off on how sick and tired she is of him telling everyone else what to do while not listening to anyone else's input. She's not exactly being diplomatic, but she has a point.

Dictator interviews that she'd have a leg to stand on if she did more around camp. As we'll see later, he also has a point.

Thank goodness Frosti got involved, cause I was starting to think we might have another Big Brother Evil Dick incident with someone getting assaulted. On the bright side, the other Zhan Husians must be relieved because if they have to go to tribal council, it's clearly going to be one of these two going home.

BTW, what did Dave want the shells for? To take back to his mom. Oh-kay....

BUOM! interviews how she isn't putting up with Dave's antics anymore while Dave and Frosti take a dip and Frosti tries to explain to Dave what a jerkward he's being. As Frosti says at one point, Dictator may have one worn out his welcome.

Gratuitous Underwear Shot!

It just wouldn't be Survivor: China without a shot of James and Aaron in their underwear so here you go! No need to thank me!

It's still Day 10 and we're back at Fei Long where treemail indicates the tribes are going to tribal council. Everyone panics a little until they realize it's probably just a challenge and not an elimination.

Jean-Groper gets all excited because the treemail implies the reward is food and he is simply wasting away to nothing!

BTW, notice how they are blurring out the front of Jean-Gropers pants? I guess he has lost some weight.

The challenge is to take a place at night for reasons we'll see shortly. But first we have lots of establishing shots to remind us that were in China. That's not really necessary because the challenge turns out to be such a buffet of Chinese stereotypes I practically expect Mickey Rooney in his Chinese drag from Breakfast at Tiffany's to pop out as the special guest judge.

But before we learn just what the challenge is we get to see the surprised faces of the Zhan Hu tribe when they realize Christian Leslie got voted out before Toothpick. I guess God's plan caught them by surprise as well.

The challenge turns out to involve — I kid you not — Chinese woks, giant toothpicks, and fireworks (the last being why the challenge is held at night). Next week I expect Probst to force both tribes to do all the laundry for the Survivor crew.

The challenge itself calls for teams of two to use giant chopsticks to carry flaming balls across the sand to a metal chute that leads to a wok filled with fireworks which will ignite when hit by the flaming ball.

Todd and Denise get Fei Long off to a quick lead and will it really shock anyone watching this season to see the tribes revert to form as Fei Long kicks Zhan Hu's heinies? Naturally, we have to see the fireworks first because it just ain't China without fireworks and Pandas. Well, fireworks, Pandas, and toys with lead paint.

Their prize turns out to be a home cooked meal from a Chinese family that will come to their camp and not only cook for them, but teach them to fish. Turns out that despite having all that equipment they won earlier, they can't quite figure out how to use it. So much for James having read that book on survival, eh.

They also get to kidnap a member of Zhan Hu and when Fei Long takes Dictator Dave the other Zhan Husians just about scream in joy. Of course, Dictator also gets another clue to the "hidden" immunity idol.

Dictator interviews that being with Fei Long makes him feel like he's on vacation and he rhapsodizes over getting to eat garlic. When James gives him a lime, Dave is so ecstatic he hugs him, something James has apparently earlier warned him not to do.

Dave also interviews that he's in Fei Long's camp on a spy mission, but since so many folks in his tribe are out to get him, he's on the mission just for himself as he might need to form a new alliance. In a hilarious bit of editing, we then see footage of Dave creeping around in the grass to read his clue intercut with footage of an actual snake in the grass. Subtle these Survivor editors aren't, but given that they just gave us a challenge with chop sticks, a wok, and fireworks, is anyone really surprised?

Dictator gets even more ecstatic when he learns there is a hidden immunity idol somewhere in camp. He feels out which Fei Longer is most trustworthy to share the clue with, but not before offering to show everyone some plumber's butt. Seriously. Um Dave? This is so not a good way to convince folks to form a secret alliance with you. Not unless Fei Long were a tribe of baboons. Perhaps then they would want to see your red tush.

He ends up choosing Big Gay Todd to get the clue which is funny because BGT just interviewed that even though Dave is clearly crazy, BGT si going to be nice to him as part of his strategy. I'm not sure if it's because BGT is so small and elfin that everyone trusts him or if he's got the ability to control people with his mind, but it seems like everyone is lining up to get on board the Todd Express. First Amanda formed an alliance with him. Christian Leslie handed him the first clue and now Dictator is under his spell. Heck, even Jean-Groper wanted an alliance with him even though he doesn't trust him.

Big Gay Todd reads a bizarre clue about creatures of the night taking flight or something dumb. Naturally we then see BGT strolling around camp staring heavenward and naturally the camera cuts to the archway with the immunity idol hanging there.

Day 11: Zhan Hu

The camera cuts to Zhan Hu lounging about discussing how nice it is to not have Dictator around. Of course, they also realize that Dave did do a lot of work which they now have to actually do themselves. The horror! Well, not everyone realizes that. Sherea decides her talents do not lend themselves to actually doing any work around camp. No, she's such a stud at the challenges it's a better use of her time to lounge around resting up for those. Or as she puts it "I'm going to ride this workhorse until the tail falls off."

Hmm, I think there is something to this philosophy that I should start applying to my work as editor of AfterElton.com. In fact, from here on out I'm going to "save" my energy for my very challenging BEST.GAY.WEEK.EVER! column while Brian and Dennis start picking up my slack. Brilliant!

Actually, BUOM! better be careful or the only thing falling off of Survivor: China will be her. In fact, Erik interviews he's not too happy with folks not pulling their weight. And he means you, Sherea.

Fei Long Day 11

The Chinese family shows up to teach Fei Long to fish and to cook a meal for them. Jean-Groper actually proves himself useful when he is able to remember enough Mandarin Chinese from his childhood in Taiwan to communicate quite effectively with the family. In fact, he kind of awes everyone with how much he is able to say which makes the learning how to fish that easier.

Aaron and Denise go off to learn how to fish, but not until we first see the Chinese family catching fish by using cormorants that catch the fish and bring them back to the boat. So the fisherman really doesn't have to do much work at all. Call it the "Sherea fishing method".

Everyone enjoys the resulting meal though James and Jean-Groper get into a little tiff about Jean-Groper's supposedly giving orders. Frankly, James just seemed like a bit of a jerk perhaps because he's not contributing much.

As they eat, Denise interviews this food tastes amazing, but that as a lunch lady, she's no expert on food because her job is take chicken nuggets out of the freezer, heat them up and give them to the kids. It's so not true that she's not an expert on food! She's just an expert on crappy food that kills people.

She's right about the food the Chinese family cooked though. It looks great and this is stuff cooked in a makeshift camp. Imagine what these folks could do on Top Chef.

Challenge Time!

Nothing's better after a great meal than facing possible elimination so Jeff gathers the tribes together to dress up in "traditional Chinese armor" to do battle in the gladiator arena. (Don't be thinking Russell Crowe's Gladiator. We're talking much smaller scale. Though, come to think of it, I wouldn't mind seeing Jean-Groper, Toothpick, BUOM!, and Dictator being eaten by genetically altered killer Panda Bears!)

The challenge is to use "meteor" hammers (I think that's what they're called) to smash their opponents vases which are balanced on bamboo poles. Perhaps this is a traditional Chinese decorating style? Either that or it's the latest ridiculous style in Los Angeles.

Each team also has bamboo poles with which to deflect the tossed hammers. The team that smashes the most vases win. Sort of like a how straight couple keeps score during a marital spat.

I'll cut through the suspense and tell you that Fei Long continues their domination and wins again. To no one's surprise, the vote comes down to BUOM! and Dictator Dave. I think Dave stood the best shot of staying, but as soon as they got back to the camp after the immunity challenge, he immediately started bossing folks around again. Idjit! (As my grandfather would've said.)

BUOM! lobbies for herself to stay because everyone "pulls their weight in different ways" and she busts her butt to make sure they win at challenges. I'd suppose she'd have a case if they were actually winning at challenges, but given that they've only won two, I think I'd shut up if I were her and start pulling her weight instead of eating its equivalent amount each day.

Going into the vote, I thought Dave had the edge, but the vote goes decisively against him and his torch gets snuffed.

Granted, there was no great choice here, but listening to BUOM! make all sorts of excuses why she is "fatigued" around camp and how her body comes first, I think they sent the wrong person home. Time will tell!