IMHO "Brothers & Sisters" (3.22): "Julia"

With Tommy the Douche having finally been flushed away for good, the Continuity Fairy is called in this week to clean up the mess left in his wake, grappling with those pesky loose ends (ie. his wife and kid, not to mention the whole bio-dad/gay uncle issue) with quick, cold efficiency. At least “Julia” gets a whole episode named after her, presumably as a reward for moving along quietly without drawing any undue attention to herself.

You know … just like she’s done for the entire series.

At the start of the episode, Nora is on the phone with Kevin, explaining how worried she is that she hasn’t heard from Julia since Tommy managed to out-douche his previously douche-y antics and ditch them. Incidentally, Nora and Kevin have both purchased the same stuffed pony for Elizabeth, a gesture that throughout this episode is weakly played for “comedy.”

But any laughs this scenario might have sparked are outweighed by how downright creepy the horsey toy is, so realistically constructed (“It even neighs!”) that I wouldn’t be surprised if it was anatomically correct. It’s like the My Pretty Pony version of a blow-up doll.

Anyway, having not heard from her, Nora decides to spring a surprise visit on Julia, only to find a big old “For Sale” sign planted on the lawn. Please tell me I’m not the only one who found that scene utterly hilarious. I guess because it got me thinking that if the one Walker sibling I felt any connection to suddenly went AWOL (and in case you’re wondering, that one Walker at this point would be Sarah), I’d also pull out any roots still holding me onto this show (ie. my TiVO season pass) and hightail it on over to the greener pastures of Sunday night cable.

Nora fears the “for sale” sign is evidence that Julia is planning on moving back in with her parents in Phoenix. But when she confronts her, Julia says she’s not planning on leaving. It’s just that Tommy had sunk all their money into his anti-Holly plotting, leaving Julia unable to pay the mortgage and the bank to foreclose on the house. So Nora, hoping to keep Julia and her granddaughter out of Phoenix, arranges for Julia to get a bogus job as a tutor at her Ronald McDonald House Rip-Off Center, and Kevin promises to handle things with the bank.

Kevin’s way of “handling” the bank is to agree to pay the $16,000 owed on the mortgage himself. When Scotty overhears this, he justifiably gets the tiniest bit peeved Kevin didn’t even discuss it with him, saying he didn’t work to save up money to help clean up more of Tommy’s mess.

He also astutely observes that this is actually about Kevin’s desire to keep bio-daughter baby Elizabeth close to him, but Kevin snits it’s simply about helping his family. Then Kevin huffs that he’ll just use his own 401K money to pay the bank so Scotty won’t have to pay a dime.

I’m not quite sure what happened next because I was too busy screaming at Kevin. And frankly, Scotty should have been screaming at him too. Because the fact of the matter is that Kevin’s 401k is Scotty’s money too.

That’s part of what being married (or civil unioned, or even co-habitating domestic partners) is about. You know, the whole “what’s yours is mine, what’s mine is yours” thing. Kevin might have been the one to put the money into a 401k, but that money is for both of them to retire on some day, and it’s not fair for him to go off spending it without at least consulting Scotty first.

Particularly given the financial issues that came up for Kevin and Scotty (briefly) earlier this season, this discussion should have opened up some major relationship issues and dramatic opportunities for their storyline here. But as with everything Scotty and Kevin related, this conflict gets a single scene and then gets resolved, as Saint Scotty comes back apologizing to Kevin for making a fuss over the money.

He says he knows Kevin was just trying to help his family, and Kevin says Scotty had every right to be upset. He recaps all the reasons why Tommy’s a dick and says that even if Tommy comes back some day, he’s resolved never to forgive him. I’m just praying we won’t ever have to see that resolve tested in person.

Anyway, it turns out that all Kevin and Nora’s efforts to keep Julia close by is for naught, as Julia decides to accept a teaching job up in Seattle. At first, Nora is freaked out about this, but then her Fairy Godbrother Saul advises her that the best thing she can do is wish Julia well. Instead, she throws her a dinner, as if the poor woman hasn’t suffered enough already. So there’s poor Julia once again subjected to a Walker dinner where her in-laws air dirty laundry and gripe about their problems, but at least she gets to sit at the front of the table and make a toast.

The best part of this scene is that we see Scotty and Julia embrace and talk about how much they’ll miss each other. Like the “for sale” sign, I found this unintentionally hilarious. It was like the writers were rubbing in our faces how marginalized and useless those two characters (and the actors who play them) are on this show.

Although I got a kick out of imagining that in all those Scotty- and Julia-free episodes through the years, they were actually off in a corner somewhere, just out of our view, having a high old time bitching about everybody else.

Before she leaves, Julia tells Kevin she’s planning on telling Elizabeth the whole story about her actual paternity. So even that whole messy issue is neatly resolved and shipped off to Seattle.

Meanwhile, Kitty is still flirting with Cleft-Chin Dad on the playground, and she admits to Sarah she’s having an “emotional affair” with him. Sarah, knowing full well how devastating divorce is, advises Kitty to “stay out of the playground,” which is just about the most pragmatic thing I’ve ever heard anybody say on this show.

Naturally, Kitty ignores it and instead goes with Cleft-Chin Dad to check out some tiny house he’s thinking of buying (why Kitty, who has lived in at least two mansions, finds this crappy little bungalow so appealing is just mystifying to me).

On the way home, they get into a car crash, but Kitty totally lies to Robert about the fact that there was a Cleft-Chin guy in the passenger seat at the time.

But Robert knows something’s up, because after the accident, Kitty’s doing all sorts of suspicious things, like initiating sex with him. Kitty wakes up post-sex to find a note on her pillow, like something out of a horror movie. Except instead of reading, “Have you checked the children?” or “People can lick, too,” the note reads, “Took Evan to the playground.” Terrified, Kitty rushes out of bed to catch him.

What follows is one of the most awesome unintentionally hilarious moments on this show ever. Robert is at the playground giving a bottle to baby Evan when, across the playground, he spies a handsome gentleman with a cleft chin, a chiseled body, and car-accident wounds. What makes it so hilarious is that the whole thing is done in slow motion and scored to the pounding rhythms of U2, like an 80s karaoke video, as if Robert were falling in love at first sight with this beguiling playground stud and about to leap over the sandbox into his waiting arms. I watched it about five times and laughed myself silly each time – trust me, it is a mini camp classic.

Anyway, the sight of scabby Cleft-Chin Dad at the playground is all Robert needs to figure out what Kitty’s been doing on her playdates. So he confronts her about it and asks if she loves the guy. Kitty doesn’t answer, but she does rush over to Cleft-Chin Dad’s new house and starts making out with him on the porch swing. So FINALLY things are moving along on this storyline, although not nearly enough to warrant an up arrow from me.

By the way, can anyone tell me what the appeal of this guy is for Kitty? As far as I can tell, he’s an unemployed, semi-mute version of Robert. Although I guess all it takes to make Kitty happy is a guy who is not only willing to read her book, but also willing to sit on a park bench listening to her yammer on about herself without interrupting.

Meanwhile, on the Ojai front, it turns out the days of Holly making nice with Sarah via fruit baskets are over. Holly’s pissed that the board always swings Sarah’s way on votes. So she goes in cahoots with Ryan to get him a job at Ojai (even though he initially has no interest in working there), since as a Walker child he’s entitled to a vote on the board. She further manipulates Sarah into agreeing to give Rebecca an equal vote (by acting as if she’s opposed to Ryan’s being hired, when all along she’s the one who talked him into it). Holly assumes that with both Ryan and Rebecca voting on her side, she’s got a decided advantage.

But it turns out Rebecca might not see it that way. During a candlelit dinner that creepy Ryan prepares for her, he gloats about how he can’t wait to stick it to Sarah and the other Walkers by voting with Holly. Rebecca, alarmed by this, goes to Justin and tells him she realizes that he was right all along about Ryan being up to something.

In addition to how annoyed I was by the brief Scotty-Kevin conflict resolution this week, the other reason I’m giving a down arrow is because of how increasingly preposterous this stuff with Ryan is getting. Why on earth is he so pissed off at the Walkers anyway?

They were just as much the victims of William’s philandering as he was. And while we’re on the subject, I don’t think Sarah would have been so eager to hire him, and I certainly don’t think she would have so easily fallen for Holly’s obvious efforts here to win over board more board votes on her side.

On the other hand, this Ryan storyline did give us yet another unintentionally hilarious moment … when we learn that Ryan’s job at Ojai will be working on the loading dock. Bwa ha ha ha ha! Pale, spindly, hair-obsessed Ryan, working on a loading dock? As what, their mascot?

I can just see him, sitting on the trucking dock under a parasol, delicately fanning himself, pointing to heavy boxes for the big, strong, musclely workers to lift next. Hilarious … but still not enough to get an up arrow for the week.

What say you all? (And how much are you looking forward to Sarah and Holly’s karaoke duet next week?)