Five types of voters supporting California's anti-gay Proposition 8

As you surely know by now, today is the day that Californian's will be deciding whether or not their state constitution will officially enshrine discrimination by taking away the rights of gays and lesbians to marry in that state. Just who are these people? Here is a breakdown.

The "Nuke" Voter

Named for: The American Family Association and others who protested when As the World Turns added a gay character fearing their presence would lead to adultery, sex outside of marriage, divorce, lying, amnesia and hot shirtless men on television.

These voters believe popular culture is to blame for what they perceive as the decline in society's morals as evidenced by any demonstration of same-sex affection. They are especially addicted to the National Enquirer, E! Television, and soap operas, and appear unable to find the off switch on their televisions.

See also: post, dumb as. 

The "Hurricane Katrina Voter" (aka The Stay Puft Marshallow Man Voter)

Named for: John McCain supporter Pastor John Hagee, who believed Hurricane Katrina was sent by god to punish New Orleans for hosting a gay event.

These voters believe in an angry, vengeful Old Testament god who inflicts punishment on sinful humans as long as the sins are the "real" ones and not those silly ones about not eating shellfish, women being unclean during their period or bearing false witness against Barack Obama.

See also Reverends Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell as well as the Stay Puft Marshmallow Men sent by the god Gozer in Ghostbusters to destroy Manhattan.

Named for: every xenophobe who ever hated someone else just because they were different.

These voters believe anything different is bad. Ever since mankind formed the first tribe, humans seem to have been genetically programmed to discriminate against someone else whether it be based on race, country of origin, religion or pro sports team affiliation. For these voters, the success of Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama means it is officially gay people who are still most socially acceptable to hate. That will likely stay true until a new group presents itself for these voters to focus on as the cause of all their problems. I'm guessing it won't be until intelligent life from another planet arrives.

See also: Ku Klux Klan, the Mormon Church, the Republican Party.

The "Won't Someone Think About the Children!" Voter

Named for: Usually suburban or rural mothers who think strictly in terms of their children and no longer have a functioning sense of self.

These voters believe that gay=sex and it is fair to ask gay people to not exist publicly on the off chance that six-year-old Johnny will turn out queer if he knows Mr. Johnson married his partner.

Often very religious in nature, these people get almost all of their news from local television newscasts, so are 100 times more likely to believe they will be attacked in their own home by a 6'5" black man, that their fifteen year old son's female biology teacher wants to sleep with him, and that they are at grave risk of their household appliances electrocuting them.

See also: Scotty's mom on Brothers & Sisters who got all worked up over the idea of Kevin and Scotty adopting.

The "Larry Craig/Mark Foley/Jim McGreevey/Roy Cohn/J. Edgar Hoover" Voter

Named for: do you really have to ask?

These voters believe no one has a clue they are closet cases even after being busted in airport restrooms.

Made up almost exclusively of white men over forty, these men are desperately stuffing their sexuality into tiny boxes crammed into the back of their closet. They fear any social acceptance of gay people will only increase their sense of isolation, desperation and unbearable longing to bang Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, their Starbucks barista named Jason, their hot Latino chauffeur, their neice's hunky 24-year-old boyfriend, the male flight attendant, Justice Rehnquist's new hot clerk, and Tom Brady and the rest of the New England Patriots though not in a "gay" way.

Therefore, they oppose any advancement of gay rights.

See also: The men's rooms of the Republican National Headquarters.