Jake's Take: "Out of the Wild" (1.5): Alaska's Biggest Loser

Each week, Jake Nodar, one of the "volunteers" on Out of the Wild: The Alaska Experiment shares his first hand take with us about the latest episode

I’m not gonna to lie to you ... that was not my favorite episode, and here’s why: I was hardly in it. There, I said it. True, I was sick and who wants to watch some hot mess out picking berries and chopping firewood?

Well, me, for starters.

The episode started with a very strenuous hike that stood out in my mind as one of the worst during my time in Alaska. Not only was hunger affecting us physically, but dizzy spells, as well as mental exhaustion, were becoming as common as US Weekly's featuring Lindsay Lohan on the cover.

As if that wasn’t enough to deal with, we had Trish/Beelzebub PMSing like it was going out of style. Trish was in rare form, but her crankiness and temporary hatred for the rest of the group made for an unusual occurrence: Trish hiked at a fast pace. We followed along in abject fear, and eventually made it to “Keep Out” cabin.

The cabin was wonderful, and with the exception of the Maria Von Trapp style curtains, I couldn’t find much to complain about. In addition to soap, I was also anxious to get my hands on the small mirror that we found in the cabin (this is where a better person might avoid a second reference to Lindsay Lohan and her frequently gossiped-about use of mirrors for medicinal purposes …but I am not that person).

Of course, prior to my time in the wild, I don’t think I’d ever gone more than an hour without a quick pop-and-lock pose and glance in the mirror; but here I was, seventeen days without seeing myself. And thank God for that. A few weeks without a razor, a toothbrush, or hair product will make anyone look all sorts of busted, and that image is something that still haunts me in my sleep. In hindsight, I wish we hadn’t found that mirror. Or that I had smashed it.

Speaking of smashing, Master hunter Billy Fitzgerald was brought in to take members of the group out for bear hunts. Although I can’t confirm this, I am fairly/definitely certain the reason the master hunter was brought in was because I was sick and unable to hunt.

Trish and John went out on the first hunt. After deciding that going after a bear that was over three miles away just before dark was not a wise idea, they headed back to camp. On the way home Trish, whose hormones finally began to simmer down, spotted and successfully took out a ptarmigan.

The morning of day seventeen was a memorable one for Trish. This — fortunately — did not make the final cut of the episode, but nothing gets past me (or "passed" Trish either). Warning: what I’m about to tell you is very crass, but I believe it is important for you at home to know just how much pain and suffering went on during this trek. After seventeen days of Trish’s plumbing being “backed up”, the plumber finally arrived, and she made her first trip to the (outdoor) ladies room in close to three weeks.

I still remember Trish’s triumphant return to the cabin after this monumental moment. You would have thought she’d just won the lottery. After a few minutes of “celebration”, we returned to our chores, and Kim and Carolyn went out with Billy for the second bear hunt. After putting a stalk on a bear (something I’m all too familiar with), they lost sight of him, and began their hike home. While coming down the mountain, Kimberly K. Wise (aka Alaska’s Lara Croft) took out not one, but two birds.

You want a piece of this? Come on! I dare you!

While the girls were out hunting, I was back at home doing the dishes and cleaning up around camp. I worked up a bit of a sweat and decided that a cleaning was absolutely necessary. After setting up a make-shift shower in subfreezing temperatures, I stripped down and began what was without question the most painful shower experience I have ever had. I wore my camouflage undies that had “booty camp” written on the backside out to the shower.

The shower Jake wishes he'd had!

Apparently, they weren’t “Discovery Channel material” and didn’t make the final cut (although it is possible I steamed up the camera lens too much for full viewing pleasure). I had also not seen myself naked in a few weeks, and getting that first glimpse in freezing temperatures gave me quite a fright. It seemed as though I was missing two really important pieces to the puzzle, if you know what I mean.

After a few days of rest, some putting together of puzzles, and a few decent meals, we once again were preparing for the next push towards civilization. So tune in next Tuesday to find out who will make it Out of the Wild. I’ve already dropped fifteen pounds: Do I have what it takes to become Alaska’s Biggest Loser?