Jake's Take: "Out of the Wild" (1.3): Porcupine — it's the new chicken!

Each week, Jake Nodar, one of the "volunteers" on Out of the Wild: The Alaska Experiment shares his first hand take with us about the latest episode. 

A week and a half into the experiment and there is actually a glimmer of hope: six of us remain, and we are getting better and more efficient with each passing day.

Episode three began with a hike in complete whiteout conditions. A storm moved in quickly, making navigation next to impossible. After a somewhat difficult river crossing, we finally arrived at a mossy cabin — home sweet home for the next several days.

As we entered the cabin it quickly became apparent that only one of us would be sleeping on the bed. You can clearly hear me call dibs on it, but our senior member, John, ended up parking himself there. What can I say, I’m a giver and I respect my elders (“age over beauty” is what I like to say … in this situation, anyway).

The house Jake had versus the one he dreamed of...

After making the necessary repairs to the cabin, we settled in for yet another rather cold night’s “sleep”.

The following morning we decided to split into two groups of three. This way, the regular daily chores (the “women’s” work) could be taken care of, but we would have people out hunting (the “men’s” work) for the entire day.

A man's work is never done

Naturally, the first three to volunteer to hunt were Trish, John, and Dan, or “Team Jersey” as I called them. After bickering like an old married couple over whether a distant chirping sound was coming from a ground squirrel or a ptarmigan, John and Trish came to the conclusion that it didn’t matter what it was; either way, it was edible. John took a hell of a shot at a ground squirrel, and despite the accuracy, the rodent fell back into his hole, and they were unable to retrieve the kill.

They returned home empty-handed.

Next out for the afternoon hunt was the second group, my group: “Team Jacob’s Angels” . Kim, Carolyn and I worked the mountain side until we spotted a ptarmigan. I took the first shot and bagged one.

On the way back down the mountain I spotted a second bird in the brush, and took him out as well. There I was out in Alaska shooting things right and left. I felt like a young, sexy, Democratic version of Sarah Palin.

I don't know nuthin' about no dead bear! Wink, wink!

Needless to say, we ate well that night. The soup was fantastic although I vividly remember Trish taking her first bite and declaring “Ahh, this is really gamey.”

Really? I provided for our family, and now I’m getting complaints? You can’t win. Except when it comes to providing for the family, because I clearly won that.

I work my fingers to the bone for you and it's just bitch, bitch, bitch!

The next day we made our way to the waterfall that was a mile and a half downstream of our cabin for a morning of fishing. On the hike there, Trish spotted what she thought was a “furry rock” in the distance. After noticing that the “furry rock” was in fact a living, breathing porcupine, Dan went in for a shot and got her.

She weighed over forty pounds, and we were so excited to get something big enough to last for several meals. Despite our several hunting successes, the narrator (or Negative Nancy, as I like to call him) was quick to point out “Few self-respecting hunters would give the North American porcupine a second glance.”

Mmm, smells like it tastes like chicken!

Well it only took us one glance to decide it was edible, so neither did we, Nancy! Besides, none of us had any self-respect left after the way we were being forced to live.

Once again, one of my favorite scenes from this episode involved Big Dan: we had decided to use a large branch to tie the porcupine to, to carry her back to camp. You can see me in the background struggling to break off a small branch, and of course Dan (AKA Paul Bunyan) walks up and grabs a ten foot tree with his hand and breaks it off like he was picking a flower.

At this point I was starting to get a bit of a complex. Dan and his pumpkin-sized biceps were once again making my arms look like that of a prepubescent girl.

Dan and his rockin' arms! The better to hold you with!

After an evening of sampling porcupine liver, kidneys, and heart, we headed off to “bed”. The following day I had gone just outside of the cabin, working on some chores, when I heard a very loud sound like that of a great redwood crashing down in a forest.

The sound came from the cabin, and the great redwood was Dan; he had blacked out. We didn’t know what had caused the collapse. Was it the lack of food? Dehydration? Initially I suspected it had something to do with being in a small enclosed cabin with Trish and her upset tummy.

It was very scary nonetheless. At this point we had only known each other for eleven days, but given the circumstances, we were all very close (reminder: “none of us had any self-respect left after the way we were being forced to live.”).

We were genuinely concerned for Dan’s health, and we didn’t want to see him push himself to the point of harm, but at the same time we didn’t want to see a friend go. After some rest and a bit of porcupine (nature’s Smelling Salts), Dan decide to march on.

We left the mossy cabin on a cold, yet beautifully sunny morning. I think we all had a sense of pride after a few successful days, and we were thrilled that our Big Dan was coming with us.

So who’s going to continue on? Winter is hot on our heels, and more will fall victim to Alaska’s icy grip. Will I make it long enough to show off my gorgeous winter wardrobe (“boots with the fur” included)?

Be sure to tune in next Tuesday night to find out.