Surviving Survivor Episode 5: Charmin -- It's Ultra Strong

DAY 16 Zhan Hu

We open with the members of Zhan Hu sleeping peacefully while James moves about early in the morning. You'll notice that James is no longer clad in just underwear. I suspect the show's producers were getting a wee bit nervous about so much man-flesh parading about during the eight o'clock hour. Prison Break decapitations? Kewl! Survivor gratuitous male underwear shots? The children! What about the children?! And later we'll see even more clothing has mysteriously popped up.

In a voice-over Peih-Gee interviews about how brilliant her plan was to get rid of Aaron and by throwing the next challenge they can get rid of James too and be back on a level playing field with Fei Long. She may very well be right, but now that James knows their devious plan, I'm not so sure it's a good idea to let James move around the camp with no one watching him. At least I wouldn't eat any food I didn't see him prepare myself.

James keeps working (and not poisoning anyone as far as I can tell) and interviews that he's not giving up because he wants to be rested for the challenge and to look good to the others. Yeah, that'll help him.

Fei Long Day 17

We open at Fei Long's camp with Jean-Groper snoring to beat the band while the other Fei Longers cover their heads. Given the way Jean-Groper's shorts ride down way low, I think covering their heads is a strategy to be employed whenever he is around.

We cut to Big Gay Todd spilling the beans to Amanda about the hidden immunity idol stashed away somewhere in their camp.

He tells her had planned on telling her about the idol the very minute he found it, but is telling her now because he can't find it and needs her help. Everyone who believes BGT raise your hands? Anyone? Anyone? Yeah, me either. Maybe I should call him Big Gay Liar.

Amanda interviews she was kind of shocked by the news about the immunity idol. What she didn't comment on was being lied to by her supposed ally. If this were me, I'd be plenty ticked at BGT. I might not let him know it, but I wouldn't be trusting him so much anymore. But all Amanda says is that they have to find the idol.

Challenge!

Jeff calls the tribes together for their challenge which naturally involves solving yet another puzzle. This one means decoding an ancient Chinese saying -- by Confucius naturally. The say is "The journey of a thousand mile starts with a single step". Here is another one: Yet another cliche challenge starts with a single lame writer. Or more likely a dozen. Who cares either way.

But no one in Fei Long or Zhan Hu cares about the because they're playing for:

Charmin toilet paper! Ohmygawdohmygawdohmygawd! And not just any toilet paper, but ULTRA STRONG as Probst intones dramatically while the camera all but lovingly caresses the stuff. And given the way the tribesmembers react, gold bars couldn't have been more well-received. This raises a whole host of questions I don't want to ponder about life in the camps, but this moment does go onto my list of reasons why the only Survivor I'll be doing is Survivor: Hawaii Hilton.

The prize also includes other items such as a visit to a Chinese tea house, a bath, and some goodies to eat. Gee, I bet Peih-Gee won't be throwing this one.

The first part of challenge involves racing through some abandoned Chinese houses to find long wooden planks that have the letters of the clue written on them. Peih-Gee uses the opportunity to try a little subterfuge to tell Sherea and Frosti (kidnapped last week) that everything they're doing is for Frosti and Sherea. But the thing is neither Frosti nor Sherea seem all that responsive. Perhaps they like life in Zhan Hu a lot better.

And despite Peih-Gee's self proclaimed talent at solving puzzles, Zhan Hu again loses. James is doubly depressed because not only is he stuck with this bunch of losers out to get him, but his former tribemembers just won a whole bunch of Charmin Ultra Strong (which Sherea runs up and grabs as if she intends to use it all herself).

But don't forget Fei Long now gets to kidnap a Zhan Husian. Of course, it's James who looks thrilled when he is chosen. Even better, he gets the next tube containing another clue to the hidden immunity idol.

The Charmin Tea House

We cut to the happy Zhan Husians jetting across the water to what turns out to be a tea house called -- seriously -- the Charmin Tea House. Worst. Product. Placement. Ever. Please, enough about the toilet paper already. I'm trying to enjoy this. At least they left out the Ultra Strong.

Everyone oohs and ahhs as they see the tubs they can bathe in and the toothpaste and, of course, more toilet paper. Amanda and Courtney share a tub and that's Jean-Groper's cue to again be a male chauvinist pig by piping up and while pointing to Amanda and Courtney, saying, "I won't lie to you Frosti and James -- that tub looks the most attractive to jump in." Courtney reacts with appropriate disgust and again I'm struck by how clueless straight guys are about their boorishness.

For not the first time I wish Big Gay Todd would pipe up and say, "Well, Jean-Groper, your tub is where I want to wet my whistle." Okay, I don't really want that as A) that would make gay men look as bad as Jean-Groper and B) would mean BGT had absolutely no taste. But I would love to see JG get a taste of his own medicine.

There was something else interesting about this exchange. Thus far we've seen no evidence BGT is out to anyone else, but if he's not why wouldn't have Jean-Groper have included Todd in his observation about which tub he wanted to be in? And it wouldn't be the first time Survivor hadn't included such info. A couple of seasons ago Brad Virata was never shown to be gay even though in interviews after he was voted off he said he had been out to his tribe. I'm not imputing any sinister motives here, FYI. In fact, you could argue it's great that CBS isn't treating BGT any differently by divulging too much personal info.

Except for what comes next, perhaps.

While everyone else opts for the tubs to get clean, James takes a shower. In the buff. In full view of everyone.

We are treated to shots of pretty much everyone else reacting to James impromptu peep show. Denise hoots and hollers. Courtney smiles and Amanda interviews about what a great butt James has. We even get Jean-Groper saying "Don't tease me, James. Don't tease me."

Funny, but the only person we don't see a shot of here is BGT. Is CBS afraid of the ramifications of showing a gay man seeing a straight man's ass? Given how many shots of James showering we're treated to that would be awfully hypocritical of them.

Zhan Hu Day 17

We cut back to Zhan Hu where they are lamenting how sick and tired they are of losing. Um, okay. Then stop throwing the challenges. What they're really concerned about is whether or not Frosti and/or Sherea have double-crossed them.

We then zip back to the Charmin Tea House (the name shown in close-up, natch) where BGT interviews that he sometimes thinks he's the only one playing the game. Sometimes I think he's right. We then see footage of him with James -- fully clothed, natch -- as Todd explains to James that he knows how to save him. But in order for him to do so, James has to give him the clue in the tube.

James interviews that BGT is the cornerstone to all of the alliances on Fei Long and his fate pretty much rests with him.

Fei Long Day 18

We cut to James giving the clue to Todd who upon reading it, promptly realizes where the idol is. Cue the melodramatic music as Todd stares up at the arch. BGT and Amanda are trying to pry the idol loose when suddenly Frosti jumps in to help them. Poor Todd about has a heart attack as the idol comes loose and Frosti goes to grab it.

Frosti in fact did see what they had and BGT and Amanda have no choice but to bring him in to their alliance. James comes over and Todd explains how the plan needs to unfold. When James goes back to Zhan Hu he has to lose the next challenge and then when the others vote him off, he reveals he has the immunity idol and whomever he voted for will get voted off instead. Todd also explains that James has to grab the second idol over at Zhan Hu.

Easy, right? Yeah, and the Iraq War was supposed to be over in a month, too.

In a nice bit of foreshadowing we see BGT telling Denise about the immunity idol and how important it is that they win the immunity challenge. Denise says no problem because she always gives 110%. Uh oh.

Immunity Challenge

Jeff announces that this challenge is a food challenge involving eating traditional Chines foods. Anyone who is over the age of twelve should be able to figure out this doesn't mean "broccoli beef" or "won ton soup". And in fact it involves dishes designed to make us Americans gag including 1,000 year old eggs, eels, and chicken fetuses.

Frankly, the whole thing strikes me as slightly xenopohobic. If you want to talk about disgusting diets, it's not really necessary to look any further than the nearest street corner. Super Size Me anyone?

Before we recap the immunity challenge, here is another pithy saying (though it wasn't said by Confucius): The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry. As Big Gay Todd is about to learn.

The first dish is chicken hearts which look appropriately disgusting. Frosti wins for Zhan Hu and licks the plate for emphasis. The second dish is eel and Jaime chows down on it like it's french fries. This is followed by baby turtles that look just like...baby turtles.

Suddenly I'm wishing we'd talk about Charmin toilet paper again.

Now things get ugly.

This is a chicken embryo, feathers and all. And this little snack completely derails BGT's plan. Denise tries her best to eat it by attacking it like a banshee -- but she simply can't get this dish down. (Insert joke here about the lunch lady being able to eat anything!) James tries his best to fake not being able to eat it while Peih-Gee hilariously goads James to rise to the occasion. I say hilariously because the last elimination challenge she was throwing the competition just like he's trying to do now.

Zhan Hu wins the challenge forcing Fei Long to tribal council and completely screwing up poor Todd's plan.

Fei Long Day 18

Back at Zhan Hu the campaigning begins about who to vote off. The logical choice is of course Sherea, but Toothpick has to throw a wrench into the plan. I totally get how much she hates Jean-Groper, but this is a strategic game, something Toothpick hasn't understood from the beginning. Despite the fact that the rest of her alliance agrees to ax Sherea, Toothpick goes behind their backs, tells Sherea she's voting for Jean-Groper and causes all sorts of dissension.

Toothpick not only is hurting her tribe, but she is killing herself as well. She's guaranteeing that after Jean-Robert goes she'll be the next to follow. Big Gay Todd is pretty shrewd however and tells Amanda that maybe they should vote off Jean-Groper lest they be seen as arrogant and doing only what they want.

I have to say going into the vote I'm really not sure whether it's going to be Jean-Groper or Sherea. Jean-Groper gets ganged up on by Toothpick and Sherea, but most interesting of all is Todd and Toothpick discussing the fact that she still feels like an outsider of the alliance. And whose fault is that, Toothpick? And the winner, er, loser is...

And I can't say I'm going to miss her one little bit! Especially after she is all whiny as she interviews and complains she got screwed by the others. Screwed how? They didn't owe you anything! It's a competition, remember? And you're not even part of their tribe. No wonder she and Toothpick got along so well.

The previews for next week put Big Gay Todd at the center of things. We see him arguing with Toothpick and then Jean-Groper is saying he's going to hold BGT responsible if anything happens to him. Ooh, I'm scared!