Surviving Survivor Episode 3: A Million Bucks and a Piece of What?

This week's episode of Survivor is brought to you by the word "class" because that is what it sorely lacked. First we've got half the folks running around in little more than their underwear and sometimes less, as you'll see later. True, that's really not a problem when we're talking about Aaron and James. But when it's Jean-Robert, well, ugh.

BTW, I feel completely justified in snarking on Jean-Robert who is the walking definition of classlessness what with his delightful witticisms and by that I mean crude comments. To start with here is a pic of Fei Long trying to get a good night's sleep on their Serta bamboo log bed.

That's Jean-Robert second from the left and you should him snore. Not only is he keeping everyone awake, he's also constantly announcing he needs the women to keep him warm as he paws them expecting they'll enjoy it.

Here's a thought Jean-Robert — Courtney looks like she weighs 70 pounds and generates less heat than my cell phone. If you're really interested in warming up, try cuddling big, strapping James.

Yeah, I thought not.

Christian Leslie interviews about how unpleasant Jean-Robert, from hereon out known as Jean-Groper, is to sleep with because he not only gropes the women, he isn't wearing any underwear. Nice!

This is an example of a huge difference between gay men and (some) straight men. Even though I think Aaron, James and Erik are very hot, there is no way I'd be trying to flirt with them, much less cuddle with them at night because A) I wouldn't want to make them uncomfortable or B) get my lights punched out. But not Jean-Groper who finally forces James to speak up and tell him to stop scaring the women.

BTW, Christian Leslie who has thus far seemed none too bright (God gave me the clue to the hidden immunity idol!) proves she's not completely clueless when she observes that Jean-Groper doesn't get the social game of Survivor. That's like saying Olympic sprinter Marion Jones didn't get it's not all right to take steroids and lie about it again and again. Of course, Leslie then goes on to predict that it will obviously be Jean-Groper who gets voted out first. Uh-oh.

Despite having won all that snazzy fishing equipment, Fei Long catches only one crab that they then bicker over how to prepare. Chop up into eight little pieces, one for everyone? Make a crab stock to cook the rice in? Take the machete and chop Jean-Groper into eight much bigger pieces?

What they really need is Hung who won Top Chef last week. I bet he could turn it into a full meal. Of course, we'd have to listen to him brag about it. Christian Leslie talks about how the hungry guys are getting, um, crabby and how her husband gets really crabby when he's not fed so she makes darn sure he gets fed. Gosh, her marriage sure sounds like one I'd envy.

They finally agree to Courtney's suggestion to make crab stock to make the rice in. Since Courtney is the one who thought of it, does this mean she actually eats? I mean, the girl is skin-ny. As in toothpick skinny. In fact, I think that's her new nickname.

James interviews what a bunch of doofuses he's stick with because he's the only one who went to Barnes & Noble to read a book about survivalism. Notice he doesn't actually say he bought the book, but I shouldn't mock. I'd probably do my research using Google so I'm not one to talk.

Meanwhile over in Zhan Hu, Dictator Dave seems to have learned nothing from last week's challenge where he basically collapsed from exhaustion after hauling around rocks for his fancy-shmancy fireplace. Now we see him washing out a boat and, of course, hauling around rocks.

Peih-Gee interviews that Dictator Dave is a dummy for repeating his mistakes. We then cut to the two of them quibbling about this with much eye-rolling from Dave who then interviews about how in order to make energy you must expend energy — DUH — and that camp doesn't sort itself out — DUH. To quote Dictator Dave, "It's not rocket science!"

He's really sanctimonious the whole time and I wonder if lack of food has made him forget he almost got voted out last week. It gets even worse when the other Zhan Hu's are politely discussing the best way to balance the wok in the manner that, oh, say, a team might discuss it when Dave leaps up and butts in. He stomps around and hauls over another of his bricks because that is the solution to everything. He drops off it announcing while they were all talking — silly rabbits — he took action and solved the problem. He's second only Jean-Groper in not getting the game.

And it's time for a challenge!

The two tribes gather and we see what at first look like three boats with a gang plank between two of them.

My first thought is we're going to see something cool like making the tribes reenact the theory that the Chinese actually sailed to the west coast of America hundreds of years before Columbus. But no, instead it's basically going to be a game of King of the Hill with teams of three having to push each other off of the boats and into the water. This causes me to have a flashback to my visit to New York last week when I tried to board a subway during rush hour. Now those folks are tough!

And that gives me an idea. How about Survivor: New York where the tribes have to live on the streets for the month of August? The smell alone will practically kill them.

Probst then reveals the prize for the challenge which is a bunch of pillows and blankets that look as if they come from Martha Stewart's Chinese collection (except for the rope and kerosene). I especially love the way he unveils them and I think he missed his true calling working as one of Barker's Beauties over on The Price is Right.

This challenge is really boring except for one thing — Dictator Dave does it naked! But I'll get to that in a moment. First up are the women of Fei Long against the women of Zhan Hu. Now we haven't seen much of Denise thus far, but she is far from tiny and you'd think she'd do great at this. Nope, she's the first one dumped in the drink. In fact, Zhan Hu kicks butt. Up next are the Jean-Groper, James, and Aaron against Frosti, Erik and Dictator Dave. Toothpick and Big Gay Todd have to sit out for Fei Long.

As most any gay men can tell you, guys wrestling have a built in homoerotic factor to start with especially when Aaron and James are involved. I'm pretending Jean-Groper isn't in the picture.

Then Dictator Dave dropped his drawers, and I wondered if the others might follow suit. Alas, they didn't.

I have to say, this actually seems like pretty good strategy. Knowing how easily American men are freaked out by touching another guy, I can see Dave gaining a psychological advantage by going at it naked. Plus, there is simply less to grab onto this way — no shirts, no pants. Well, there is one thing, but I doubt anyone will grab that. BTW, I bet the poor pixellator at CBS must have groaned seeing he/she was going to have to censor another whole segment.

Dictator Dave immediately takes on Aaron and the two of them tumble into the water, but not before poor Aaron ends up with face right in Dave's crotch. Remember, this is Day 7 and these guys haven't had a proper bath in a week so that can't be a fun place to visit.

Everything else about the challenge is pretty boring, if really brutal. At one point, Christian Leslie puts her knee on the head of one of the women from Zhan Hu to hold her down, and I can't help but wonder what God would think of that. Ultimately, Zhan Hu prevails, wins the prize and they, too, get to kidnap someone to take back to their tribe. They pick Christian Leslie.

Leslie's really happy to be there, apparently because there are more Christians in Zhan Hu. She also mistakenly believes they've really kept their morale really high. I guess she realized just how wrong she was when she watched last week's episode.

She then blabs a whole lot about her tribe including how Aaron "took over" which Peih-Gee later interviews is just great intel for them. Christian Leslie also interviews about how she is there to show the love of Christ (oh, and win a million bucks, too) and how much nicer it is at Zhan Hu. You see, back at Fei Long she tries not to proselytize too much much because they're really cynical and that can be tough.

We cut to Jean-Groper taking a dip while chatting with James who does not care for Leslie, or Sister Christian as he calls her. He implies she must be praying so much because she's actually doing the most sinning. Unless being stupid is a sin, I think James is way off the mark and would bet Christian Leslie is as goody-two-shoes as she appears. The two men then proceed to talk strategy without bothering to see if anyone might be around. And, of course, Big Gay Todd and Toothpick are nearby.

James lays out who he thinks should stay and then Jean-Groper announces he's no longer feeling Todd, but that, of course, Toothpick will be the first to go. James sorta kinda defends her saying she at least moves stuff around compared to Sister Christian. Now here's where Jean-Groper gets really classy. He says James has a thing for Courtney, or that "seventy pound thing", as he calls her. He then goes on to say that only thing better than winning a million dollars is "a million dollars and a piece of ass."

Gosh, if the ladies weren't already lining up to date the pudgy, lazy, poker-playing Jean-Groper before Survivor, I just bet they are now.

The camera cuts back and forth between they guys and Todd and Courtney who laughs, but actually looks kind of hurt and freaked out. Remember, Jean-Groper is the one who has been pawing her at night so he just looks more and more like an ass every single second. Todd, tiny though he may be, does not take all this lying down.

Unless Todd has a death wish, he is of course speaking metaphorically as I think the only person here he could strangle is Toothpick. Even then it might be close. Todd then interviews that the trash needs to be taken out and that James and Jean-Groper are said trash. I think he's slightly mistaken here as everything offensive said was said by Jean-Groper. James actually said some nice things about Courtney and didn't follow on Jean-Groper's "piece of ass" comment.

Cut to Zhan Hu where Christian Leslie gives Jaime the second hidden immunity idol clue (which also includes the first clue). This one says not to bother looking at the ground, but toward the heavens (imagine what Christian Leslie would have made out of this one!). We immediately cut to the archway with idol just about screaming "Here! I'm up here you idiots!" Jaime interviews she knows it's probably right in front of her face, but apparently gets no further.

Elimination challenge!

The tribes gather and thankfully we don't have another World Wrestling Federation smackdown. This time the challenge is to hack through some wood in order to cut some ropes in order to get some bundles of stone discs. This has to be done four times, then the discs have to be assembled in a puzzle of some sort. The only thing you need to know here is that Toothpick goes first for Fei Long and the sword used in hacking through the wood looks to weigh about 20% of her total body weight. And that's only a tiny bit of an exaggeration.

To say that Toothpick sucked at this challenge is like saying a few people watch the Academy Awards. To make matters worse, she whined the whole time going "But this is hard!" It's not her fault she's small, but to bitch and moan about it while her fellow tribe members are living in as much misery as her is just stupid.

Despite the fact that Zhan Hu was working on the puzzle before Toothpick even got their first bundle of stone discs, Fei Long almost caught them at the end, mostly thanks to Big Gay Todd's puzzle solving abilities. I loved how he kept putting Jean-Groper in his place while they did the puzzle together. But they still lose and will have to face tribal council that night.

Back at Fei Long Toothpick announces she lost two hands and a shoulder during the challenge. Christian Leslie then sticks her foot in it by announcing she'd told Zhan Hu all kinds of things about Fei Long. Aaron is especially annoyed and worries that her Christian ties to some of the Zhan Hu folks will be trouble once the merge takes place.

He, Amanda, and Todd discuss strategy while doing chores.

BTW, is Survivor going out of their way to give us shots like the one above? I mean, come on! Not that I'm complaining.

Anywho, everyone discusses the strategy of who is best to vote off then they head off to tribal council.

Toothpick and Jean-Groper get into it, but Christian Leslie has to jump in and point out how much better Zhan Hu is because they have "heart". Toothpick is especially annoying because she again whines about how hard the challenges have been and that everyone is always talking about where she can do the least damage. I certainly think Jean-Groper is a pig for the way he talks about Toothpick, but what did she think she was signing up for — Survivor: Palm Springs Luxury Hotel? The woman is really grating.

But nonetheless she survives and it is Christian Leslie who gets snuffed. Naturally, she later interviews that God was ready for her to go home. I have to admit I was really curious to see how Leslie would react upon learning Big Gay Todd was a big 'ol mo, but hearing her spout this "God wanted me to go home" nonsense, makes me thrilled she is gone. I just hate talk like that.

She really thinks God (whom she refers to as he natch) gives a rat's ass about her being on Survivor? She's exactly the sort of person who — should she be the sole survivor of a jetliner crash that killed 300 people — would announce her surviving was a miracle and that God saved her because he clearly intends something great for her life. If pressed about how that sounds kind of cruel to the dead folks' families, she'd probably say she was actually envious of all the other passengers who burned to death because they have gone to some place better. Ugh.

Here is a pic from next week's episode, and all I can say is that I sure hope that isn't Toothpick wearing that get-up.