"Survivor" (18.03) recaplet: "I told everybody with my eyes what to get."

I am the master of all I survey! Which is six smelly people! 

***SPOILER ALERT***
This recap reveals who was eliminated in Thursday night's episode of Survivor.

Last night's episode of Survivor: Tonaktoys was absolutely awesome! No, not because any of the challenges were particularly noteworthy. In fact, they were downright dull with the reward challenge involving fetching corn and water through a maze while blindfolded. They might as well have called it the tedious chore challenge. Maybe next week the Survivors can make their beds and sweep camp while handcuffed to each other.

And the immunity challenge was all about rolling big blocks around and spelling out each tribes name in a staircase everyone then had to climb. Call it the preschool, fitness challenge. And call it boring, too.

The Timonians pretty much continue to suck like a sixty-year-old street hooker taking a drag off her last cigarette, as they got totally clobbered in the reward challenge by the Jalapenos, then blew a lead in the immunity challenge and lost again. 

That was pretty much it for the Jalapenos although we did see them hilariously trying to figure out how to use the fishing gear they won last week. 

Taj Mahal: I'm thinking JT won't taste so good!
Super Butch Twinkie: Maybe if we wash him first?

No, this week's episode rocked thanks to the whackjob known as Renaissance Man (aka Coach). I can't remember the last time I got to witness someone this hilariously deluded. Okay, it was only last month when Bush still got to call himself Mr. President, but you get my point.

RM's nuttiness actually surfaced earlier in the week when we learned that he'd recently been fired from his job coaching women's soccer because, rather than tell his boss he was going on Survivor, he said he was leaving for a week then didn't come back for ... two months. 

What I find most intriguing is that there is no word that the school ever reported him missing. That speaks volumes! But RM isn't worried because he's got a plan! He's going to be the next big thing in ... Hollywood! 

The hunt is over! We have the new Steven Segal!

But Renaissance Man's self-deludedness hit Mach 10 after they lost the reward challenge and he proceeded to plot to oust Erinn — after railing against the fact that the others were also talking about who to vote off. It made him sick! Just sick!

BTW, has Erinn been here all along? Can't say I actually remember her before this episode.

Renaissance Man then proceeded to pontificate around camp as if he was Socrates reincarnated, delivering statements such as "Winners find a way to win. Losers find a way to lose."

I guess the others should stop calling him Coach and start calling him Loser.

Renaissance Man then interviews he let out a primal scream and that he was totally embarrassed by how his tribe performed. It made him sick! Just sick! 

Survivor didn't publish any pics of his scream, but a source inside the show leaked this photo of RM's scream to me:

We then see him and Naked Mormon Dude discussing strategy. Renaissance Man anoints NMD his "assistant coach" and I let out another primal laugh. NMD interviews that he is going to demand he eventually be called Coach, as well or at least co-Coach.

Co-coach? How about Chief of the Zombies?

NMD also interviews that RM has a schoolboy crush on him. What is it with these straight boys all but macking on each other? Frankly, I can't tell if NMD is serious about his alliance with RM or not.

We go back to RM who is still ranting that he doesn’t care about shelter. He doesn’t care if he's bitten by tarantulas. He only cares about winning!

Boy, I bet his halftime pep talks with his soccer team were things to behold.

Later, after they've lost the immunity challenge, Renaissance Man interviews he is horrified — horrified! — because once Erinn realized Military Dude was sick and likely to be voted off, she had an "evil" grin on her face. In fact, he tells Naked Mormon Dude that it was the "most evil-est grin" he'd ever seen.

Even more eviler than this? No......

Renaissance Man then informs NMD and the others that:

It just makes me sick. I exist to surround myself with people who have integrity. And I cannot exist around people like that. You guys can because you can socialize with them. I am so true that existing around people who smile evilly when someone else is on their knees kills me. I can’t look at her. I can’t walk by her now.

Oh, dear. Does Napoleon walk amongst us again? And how about that insult he slips in there to his alliance: "I am too pure to sully myself by being in Erinn's presence, but you mere mortal schmucks don't have a problem compromising your integrity."

Cut to Tribal Council where its pretty clear Military Dude is going home no matter how evil Erinn's grin is which annoys Renaissance Man no end. And I just got my nickname for Erinn! For now on she's Evil Erinn.

All of RM's earlier wackiness doesn't compare to what happens when when Jeff Probst asks Military Dude who should be the team leader and he says it should be Brendan aka Granola Boy.

Lordy, lordy, lordy. Poor RM looks like his head is going to kill someone, have a seizure, and then implode. 

Naturally, RM says he wants to play Devil’s Advocate as to why he should be the leader and explains the reason things went to so well back on the truck on day one is because, and I kid you not, "I told everybody with my eyes what to get. I should be leader because that is what I do."

You! Get the water! You get the tarp! You get the biggest container you can find for my ego!

That's right — Renaissance Man is so awesome, so commanding, all he needs do is look at people and they know what to do! Wow!

I've uncovered several other cases of RM using his awesome eye control superpower. Did you know he used his power to:

• safely guide US Airways Flight 1549 down into the Hudson River, not Captain Sullenberger as widely reported
• elect Barack Obama president
• divert a comet away from earth just last week
• stop global warming which scientists will realize next week

Does he rock or what?

Anyway, the epiosde ended with Military Dude going home. Oh, yeah, Brendan found the immunity idol hidden in the tree mail post. But I think his real achievement is that after being on Survivor this long he still looks this hot.

And from the look of next week's previews, Naked Mormon Dude looks to be almost as nutty as Renaissance Man! Fun!