"I Want to Work for Diddy" recap (1.02): "Hello and Goodbye"

Laverne busts a move

Last night’s episode of Product Integration Thea … er, I Want to Work for Diddy was a doozy, so let’s just get right into it, shall we?

First, we started off in the loft, where we were treated to a mini-performance from our resident transgender woman Laverne Cox, who showed us her dancing skills and gave the housemates a little Trans -101 tutorial.  This aroused the ire of Boris, who later commented that Laverne “doesn’t respect her body”, thus leaving us all to marvel at the utter irony of that statement coming from someone with a body shape roughly resembling that of a pear. 

As for yours truly, after being asked about a girlfriend, I promptly revealed that I’m gay, and shifted a little uncomfortably as Kendra and Brianna participated in the time-honored straight-girl squeal that generally comes directly after correctly identifying a homosexual.  On a personal note, it was very important for me to come into this situation and be as open as possible, because it is very important for us to be visible, and, besides, I’m already out in my personal life, so I figured that coming out on national television was the next logical step. 

Riiiiight.

Later on that night, myself and the housemates were woken up by the beefy Bad Boy Bodyguards, and although getting the covers ripped off of you by them may be the start of a good time in other circumstances, it most certainly wasn’t here, as we were whisked into a van and taken to a heli-pad in downtown NYC.  Thanks to post-production editing trickery, a 5-hour wait time is magically cut down to a 45-second transition, and there we were at Fort Dix, a military base in New Jersey. 

Wait a minute … we’re on Fort Dix and I’m an ex-military man, so my team has got this one in the bag, right?  Um, hold that thought.  Super-fierce Sean John marketing director Capricorn and Diddy’s personal stylist Derek come out of a military vehicle and give us the rules:  We are to participate in land navigation.  Given a compass, protractor, and map, we are to find three different points on land, each marked by a trivia question about Diddy himself.  A correct answer leads us to the next point, but an incorrect answer leads us on a detour.  We are given our materials and sent out, thus starting a chain of events that play like something out of a Final Destination movie. 

Kim coughs it up

Over on the uptown side, everyone’s favorite ball of sunshine Kim walks a good 30 feet before being sidelined with asthma problems and is forced to sit out the competition.  Yours truly decides that the best idea is to take a shortcut, proceeding to get the team absurdly lost and off-course in the woods of Fort Dix.  It’s looking a little Blair Witch Project at this point and it ain’t good, especially when the leader has 4 ½ years of military experience.  However, the downtown team isn’t faring much better.  Boris’s body has apparently not been getting the respect it deserves, as he trails far behind his team during the walk in the woods, breathing heavily, slowing them down, and inspiring the ire of de-facto team leader Mike. 

Decisions, decisions...

Back at uptown, I make mistake #2,347 when we finally get to the first point and answer the question thinking that Diddy, the man who this is all about, the man who is worth north of $300 million dollars, the man who has produced countless records, has only received 1 Grammy award.  Where’s a gong when you need one, right?  So after a little more arguing, sweating, and misdirection, both teams are stopped when the light is lost, and we’re all notified that Downtown has won the mission by default, sending the Uptown team to elimination once again.

The Uptown team is visibly disappointed in me for my failure to carry the team, but also in Kim for not being able to participate in the challenge.

Kim and Red discuss the situation

Back at the loft, the question seems to be: Was Kim faking?  It’s a question that nobody seems to know how to answer, but fortunately we’re notified by Kim about how she was ready “to die in those woods for this”.  The fact that she barely even went into the woods before stopping seems to inspire some suspicion in the team, and everyone seems a little unsure of where they stand going into elimination. 

Kim and I duke it out

During elimination, Kim is clearly on the defensive, likening me to a “used car salesman that doesn’t deliver”, and I counter with the criticism that perhaps Kim isn’t ready for the more physical aspects of the competition.  It comes down to a vote, with me, Red, and Suzanne voting for Kim, and Kim and Brianna voting for me.  Predictably, Kim brings me up for elimination with her, and there we both stand, fighting for the chance to become *insert angel choir here* Diddy’s Assistant.

Headin' on up to the cross....

Back in the batcave, the judges make their deliberations.  While I could be stronger for the team, they say, Kim has the more take-charge personality, though it is noted that she continues to belittle her team and has now been up for elimination twice in a row.  While the judges discuss our fates, a truly WTF moment comes as Kim, through tears, laments her perceived betrayal and compares herself to Jesus and Martin Luther King (which I suppose makes me either Pontius Pilate or James Earl Ray, depending on how forgiving you want to be today). 

We’re brought back in, and unfortunately Kim is given her 300^th warning and I am sent packing, thus resigning myself to a life that won’t be spent in complete and total service of Hip-Hop Royalty. 

Not ready to work for Diddy.  Too bad, so sad. 

Behind the scenes:  Honestly, letting the team down in that way was one of my lowest points in recent memory, and while I won’t pass the buck completely, I must say that there was a LOT going on that wasn’t shown.  There was another component of the mission, which was to complete an obstacle course near the end (in some scenes it can be seen in the background), and we were all very much worried about Kim’s ability to complete it.  Once she was removed from the challenge, we were notified that two of us would have to go through it twice, and that was going through my head as well. 

Also, there were a lot of insignificant rules that were being thrown at us by the producers off-camera, such as switching the protractor and ruler every point, staying within 50 feet of each other, and basically just a lot of things that seemed to be added for no particular reason.  Add that to the fact that we actually sat at the helipad for hours waiting for the sky to clear enough for us to take off in the first place, and you have some very confused and bewildered people.  Still, my mistake was my mistake, and I own up to it.      

On a personal note, seeing as how five years ago today I was most likely lying down to sleep on concrete in an abandoned building in Iraq, I’m not exactly crying as I type.  I’ll still be here recapping the show every week, as Ms. Laverne Cox carries the LGBT mantle from here on.  Be sure to keep reading, and thanks for all of your support!

Note:  Many thanks to Rich Juzwiak over at the VH1 Blog for his awesome screencaps!