Bah-Humbug! 10 Christmas films you forgot were Christmas films

If you're like us, by now you've about had your fill of "holiday" films, especially since so many of them are terrible. For every Best Christmas Pageant Ever, there's a Christmas With the Kranks or Four Christmases or Surviving Christmas.

Even the "classics" don't hold up anymore. We can't watch A Christmas Story since it became "that movie with that kid who went on to do porn" ... and then of course there's It's A Wonderful Life. We know we're in the minority, but the town of Bedford Falls was a hell of a lot more realistic without George Bailey. Drunks in sleazy bars, bitter old maids, certified crazy kin ... now that's "home for the holidays!"

So we've declared a moratorium on Christmas movies (lest we lose our holiday good cheer) and if you've decided to do the same, join us after the break for a list of films you might want to skip. They may seem perfectly innocent and safe to watch, but you may have forgotten that they all take place during this special time of year.

In other words, they're musts-to-avoid!

Gremlins

The 1984 classic Gremlins is infamous for many reasons. It started as an E.T.-ish kids movie about a loveable plush doll, and ended with giddy carnage including microwave massacres and the death of Florence Jean Castleberry. But don't forget that it does take place during Christmas, and is therefore a must to avoid this week, even if it contains the single greatest monologue in screen history, delivered by the Phoebe Cates character ... about why she hates Christmas. Well, maybe you can watch it just for that.

Edward Scissorhands

As you're planning your annual Johnny Depp film festival (we can't be the only ones), you'll have to leave this early Tim Burton classic off the list, as many of the crucial scenes take place during Christmas. May we suggest that in its place you substitute Private Resort, with Johnny as a randy hotel guest (but be prepared to over-use the "pause" button).

Batman Returns

With all of the hoopla over The Dark Knight, those "other" Batman films have fallen by the wayside. If you're nostalgic for a less angst-filled Bat film, you may be tempted to rent the best of the old bunch, Batman Returns. Alas, Christopher Walken's nuttiness and Michelle Pfeiffer's cracking a whip aren't enough to compensate for the film's Christmas setting, so you'll have to choose a different one. May we suggest the one with George Clooney and his bat-nipples?

Go

This early film from Bourne Identity director Doug Liman came out almost ten years ago, but holds up surprisingly well. In one story, two closeted actors (played by Jay Mohr and Scott Wolf) get mixed up with drugs and a naked narcotics officer. Unfortunately, it all takes place on Christmas Eve, so if you're in the mood for a Liman film, we recommend his Mr. & Mrs. Smith, with Brangelina kicking the crap out of each other. Ho-Ho-Ho!

The Long Kiss Goodnight
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One of our favorite guilty pleasures of the 90's, The Long Kiss Goodnight featured the even-then ubiquitous Samuel L. Jackson, and Geena Davis at her ass-kickiest. The Christmas element becomes evident when her character (an amnesiac assassin) accidentally hits Blitzen with her car, and puts the poor reindeer out of its misery by snapping its neck. If you really want to see Geena Davis taking charge without the holiday overtones, we recommend Cutthroat Island or Transylvania 6-5000.

Brazil

You may be in the mood for a visual feast this holiday, and it's only natural to think "how about a Terry Gilliam epic?" Good idea, but you'll have to stay away from his 1985 cult fav Brazil. Most of it takes places during the Christmas season, so we recommend Terry's greatest film, the 1981 classic Time Bandits, instead.

Rabid

With the classic Black Christmas off limits, you may be jonesing for another 70's Canadian horror spectacle, maybe even an early work from David Cronenberg. Sounds good, but you'll have to steer clear of Rabid, which starred former Ivory Snow girl/porn star Marilyn Chambers as a woman whose armpit turns people into rabid zombies (big deal ... so does mine after a tough workout). Because it's set at Christmas, not even department store Santas are immune from the insanity, as we see one machine-gunned down in cold blood. If you need an early Cronenberg fix, we recommend either Scanners (you'll totally blow your top when you see it), or The Brood.

Turbulence

We can't be the only ones who screen a disaster movie marathon during the holidays, but Turbulence will have to be on the "skip" list this year. It's a shame, really, since it features the best Ray Liotta psycho performance since The Lonely Lady and Lauren Holly in one of the most unintentionally hilarious heroine performances ever (and because it's set at Christmas, we get lots of shots of tree ornaments and bulbs rolling all over the plane). As a substitute disaster film, we recommend When Time Ran Out, which featured Paul Newman battling a deadly matte painting of a volcano.

Jaws: The Revenge

Poor Ellen Brody. Still in mourning over the death of her husband, she has to endure the killing of her son at Christmas at the jaws of the deadly "Grinch Shark" (the screams of dying agony from her son are actually drowned out by the singing of carolers). Look, if you really need to see a deadly sea creature film this holiday, we recommend the underrated Deep Blue Sea, or the Shelley Winters octopus opus Tentacles.

American Psycho

Finally, we have the absolute must film to avoid this Christmas, especially if you're going to be around family. And for God's sake, if you find yourself humming "Hip To Be Square" at any time during the holidays, get out of the house! You can see a clip from the film below, and after seeing what Patrick Bateman (Christian Bale) has to endure, can you blame him for anything that followed?

Now that you've seen our strictly tongue-in-cheek list, what movies would you include if you were picking out sneaky Christmas films to avoid?