Does Canada want to weed out the gay in figure skating?

Will Ferrell and Jon Heder in Blades of Glory

"Please, don't let this feeling end, it's everything I am, and everything I want to be. I can see what's mine now, finding out what's true. Since I found you ... Looking Through the Eyes of Love."

Like many gay boys, my first introduction to the wonderful world of figure skating was watching a blind Lynn-Holly Johnson let the love of a doe-eyed Robby Benson help guide her through the climactic skating routine in Ice Castles.

It would have worked, too, were it not for the roses well-wishers thoughtlessly threw, causing her to trip and tearfully sprawl on the ice prompting a crestfallen Robby to intone "The flowers! We forgot about the flowers!"

Of course, later I would start focusing on the male skaters and their colorful costumes and flamboyant moves. When I expressed an interest in watching them compete, I caught my parent's sideways glance at each other, and my dad's sarcastic comment about how "artistic" the skaters were.

It's because of this "artistry" that male figure skating has become widely known (and derided) as the gayest sport in America. Even though there have only been a handful of out skaters (Rudy Galindo, Brian Orser), and a famously coy skater (Johnny Weir), male figure skating is still known as the queerest of all mainstream sports.

But Canada is looking to change that image with their dubious new "Ultimate Skating" campaign, which has many people questioning the real motive behind trying to "man up" the image of figure skating.

The campaign insists that they're not trying to drive gays out of the sport, but trying to bring more straight men in, by focusing on things such as bone-crushing injuries and hot skater chicks on motorcycles.

It sounds promising, and in fact, we have some more suggestions for making figure skating less "gay". These ideas are sure to make the straight guys flock to the TV for their fix of triple-axes and harsh judges ...

Give every male figure skater a golfer's body. Golf is phenomenally popular with straight men, and studies show that it's because it's the only sport they feel they could legitimately compete in. When they look at how strong and athletic figure skaters are, they can feel a bit ... inadequate, but watching a golfer huff and puff walking across the green puts them at ease.

All straight men love helicopter freeway chases, so all skate routines must be filmed from half a mile above to the sound of police sirens and intrusive dumb blond Fox anchorpeople shouting "How fast do you think he's going?"

Tonight on Fox: When Skaters Attack!. Oh wait. You know, I think that actually was a special on Fox. In the new special they could have Johnny Weir throw haughty, icy stares at the other skaters.

Finally, the can't-miss proposition of Sopranos On Ice. A mob family trying to stay together while trying to avoid being whacked ... by Jeff Gillooly. It's a sure-fire hit!