Eight gay films that deserve remakes

For a few years now, Hollywood has been in a remake frenzy, insisting on "re-imagining" films they have no business touching. But the question is, why remake good films? Why not remake films that were flawed, or films that were little seen, but had potential?

This post is about gay-themed films that are begging to be remade, either because they were smacked with Hollywood's "de-gaying" stick, or because they're languishing in obscurity, and bigger budgets and a few tweaks might make them hits. Or simply, the originals are dated, and it's time for a fresh coat of paint.

Surge of Power

An obvious labor of love from writer/actor Vincent J. Roth, 2004's Surge of Power is the pinnacle of gay superhero movies. I know what you're thinking, "but isn't every superhero movie gay?". True, but this one was intentionally gay.

I rented it thinking it was another volume in my favorite soft core superhero/lycra fetish series Hard Heroes, and you can imagine my shock when Lt. Uhura appeared on screen!

Aside from the cameos (which include Allison "Nellie Olsen" Arngrim, Erin "Tabitha Stevens" Murphy, and my childhood hero Marty Krofft), the film does have some other nice touches, like the hero's powers being rendered useless when dance music is played.

However, the ultra low budget is impossible to get past (the special effects are sub-Power Rangers ... actually, they're sub-VR Troopers), and frankly, the whole production reminded me of the unintentionally hilarious Wille Aames guilty pleasure Bibleman.

The solution: With a bigger budget and a tighter screenplay, Surge of Power could be a winner.

Martian Child

When gay writer David Gerrold released the semi-autobiographical Martian Child, it told the story of a gay single parent raising a troubled child. When the movie version came out last year, it had become drippy schmaltz about a straight man raising a troubled child.

There was endless speculation as to why the character's sexuality was changed. Gerrold originally took responsibility, then claimed it was the producer's fault. The writers claimed their screenplay was based on an earlier story, where the character's sexuality was never mentioned (so they must have just assumed he was straight).

The movie came out, and sank like a rock (and only scored a measly 30% at Rotten Tomatoes.) With all the worry by TPTB that making it about a gay father would hurt its chances, it's probably the only thing that could have given it enough buzz to save it.

The solution: remake it as it was intended to be made, with perhaps Ryan Gosling or Ryan Reynolds as the gay, single, shirtless dad (actually, I threw in the shirtless part ... creative license.)

See more potential remakes after the break.

Gypsy 83

I know what you're thinking, but I didn't include this because it's about THE GODDESS Stevie Nicks. In fact, she's part of the problem.

Todd Stephens (who would later direct the hit Another Gay Movie and its apparently inferior sequel) helmed this 2001 coming-of-age road picture, and it has many things to recommend it.

First is the presence of the fabulous Sara Rue, who takes a cross-country trip with her gay goth best friend for the legendary Night of a Thousand Stevies in New York City. She's Stevie's biggest fan, but we never really believe it, because Stevie didn't allow any of her music to be used in the movie.

There is one lesser Stevie hit, "Talk to Me", which is used repeatedly, but that's only because she didn't own the rights to it. It's just bizarre to watch a movie about an obsession with Stevie Nicks, and have to tiptoe around the fact that we don't get to hear her music.

The solution: Find another fabulous, chubby teen actress and somehow get Stevie to let her music be used. And show more of the Night of a Thousand Stevies!

Cat on a Hot Tin Roof

Yes, I know, it's a classic, and as a rule shouldn't be touched. However, I think it's time we revisit Tennessee Williams' story about a gothic southern family, and the tortured character of Brick.

As recently proven with its success on Broadway, there's still a lot of life left in this drama about a man mourning his "best friend".

The solution: Find a director capable of nuance and histrionics (like Ang Lee), and an actor capable of subtlety and shirtlessness. Oh, and tell the truth about Brick.

Curse of the Queerwolf

1988's Curse of the Queerwolf takes a great title and does ... well, nothing good with it.

The two main characters are named Larry Smallbutt and ... oh, dear ... Richard Cheese, and that's about the level of humour you're going to get with this. Larry brings a hot babe home, only to discover that's she's actually ... wait for it ... a man in drag!, who bites him on the behind, thus turning him into a queerwolf.

How is this transformation depicted? Well, Larry's small butt grows larger and firmer, his nails grow longer (and polished), and he ends up in full drag. The rest of the movie is one groan-inducing gay joke after another, until Larry is finally cured by a ... wait for it ... Fagxorcist.

The solution: Take the title, and do something, anything, else with it.

Mame

How is it that Mame has only been filmed twice? Once in 1958, with Rosalind Russell, and then in 1974 with Lucille Ball.

The answer probably has something to do with the Lucy version, which is one the most critically reviled musicals ever. I also happen to love it. I mean, it has Lucy and Bea Arthur (who steals every scene) singing "Bosom Buddies", and Lucy filmed with so many different Vaseline lenses that it becomes surreal.

But it's been over thirty years since we saw Auntie Mame teaching her obviously eventually gay nephew about life, and it's time for another try.

The solution: Find a larger-than-life actress who can sing and dance to bring Mame back to us. Any suggestions?

The Boys in the Band

Probably the most debated gay film in history (along with Cruising), the 1970 milestone The Boys in the Band has an equal number of defenders and detractors.

It was very much an artifact of its era, but I'd be fascinated to see a new version. How would modern filmmakers and actors approach the material, and if they actually tried to do an "updating", what new forms of angst would they portray?

The solution: Work with an all-gay cast (there may actually be enough openly gay actors now!) to put their own spin on these characters.

Ben & Arthur 

So how would you go about remaking the worst film of all time?

Would you keep the cinematography, which looks like public access TV from the 80's?

Would you keep the scintillating dialogue, which includes such gems as "my heart, my stomach, my liver, everything, just fell right onto the floor"?

Would you keep the actors, who were all probably friends and neighbours of the producer, and worked for beer and Big Beef Burritos from Taco Bell?

Actually, I probably would.

So, what gay movies would you want to see remade? Would it be a big budget debacle like Alexander, or an obscurity that would improve with better production values? Let us know!