Liveblogging "One Life to Live": The Return of Kish!

Editor's note: A source at ABC Daytime informed us of a top secret unaired (and unrated even) episode of One Life to Live. This episode picks up where we last saw Oliver Fish and Kyle Lewis. While for various conractual and logistical reasons the episode itself cannot be broadcast – our own snicks will be watching it this afternoon via encrypted streaming broadcast, and he'll be liveblogging as he watches. So buckle up Kish fans, and refresh often for updates!

Here is the liveblog of the footage that you'll never get to see.

2:05PM EST: Kyle is feeding Sierra Rose when a tired Oliver walks through the door. They kiss passionately (with tongue) and Kyle asks Oliver how his day went. Oliver sighs heavily, takes off his shirt and says "It's been a period of adjustment since Roxy became Chief Of Police, but with Bo retiring to run that cattle insemination farm with Nora, and John McBain still in that coma from using tainted hair product, we needed someone to step up. As Roxy herself said 'It's always been a dream to join the police. And now I don't have to put on the red light, put on the red light!'"

Oliver walks over to Sierra and kisses her tenderly on the forehead. Awww! "How's our sweetie doing?" he asks, prompting a worried look from Kyle.

"I'm not sure," Kyle responds removing his shirt. "I just fed her some strained peas and she projectile vomited them up. In fact, she's projectile vomited everything I've tried to feed her ... and strangely, it all looks like strained peas. And that's not all. She's been speaking a lot of baby gibberish, but I could swear in between the nonsense, she said 'your momma wears last year's Jimmie Choos!'".

Oliver reassures Kyle that it's probably nothing, and the two of them make passionate love on the couch.

2:10PM EST: Oliver is at work when the phone rings. Before he answers it, he takes off his shirt and smears baby oil over his chest until it gleams. When he answers the phone, it's a frantic call from Kyle. When Oliver rushes home he finds Kyle standing outside the bedroom covered in strained peas. "Oliver, you're not going to believe this, but I think Sierra is ... possessed!" Oliver yells "OMLG!" and the two of them make passionate love on the couch.

After they compose themselves, they enter the bedroom to find Sierra with a dazed look on her face. Kyle whispers "Who do you think is possessing her?" and Sierra smirks, flips her hair and squawks in her baby voice "Where's Kimmie?" Oliver and Kyle both look at each other and whisper in unison "Stacey!"

Luckily for them, Kim is back in Llanview, overseeing construction on the "Llanview Home For Wayward Pole Dancers" and rushes over to help. After the possessed Sierra flings the insults "Neither of you even deserved Emmy noms!" and "Dr. Reid is the only truly hot Oliver on TV."

After much effort and after Kyle has smeared baby oil over his bare chest, Kim coaxes the spirit of Dead Frozen Stacey out of Sierra's body using a KFC Double Down and the promise of an audition for Oxygen's Bad Girls Club.

Kyle and Oliver are relieved that Sierra is fine and celebrate by making mad, passionate love on the couch.

2:15PM EST: Kyle (who graduated med school and is now Chief of Surgery of Llanview Hospital) is prepping Mayor Dorian for her latest series of injections (Dorian has come into possession of a miraculous "rejuvenation serum." No one knows what's in it, but it strangely coincided with the disappearance of the virginal Destiny and Danni.) He hears sirens and then a hysterical Oliver bursts through the hospital doors. "Kyle, I went to Sierra's school to pick her up from kindergarten ... and she was gone. I think she's been ... KIDNAPPED!"

After taking off their clothes, showering and walking around the apartment in only towels for no apparent reason,... and then making mad, passionate love on the couch... they finally rush to the police station to watch the security tape from the school. Kyle and Oliver are shocked when a familiar couple appear on camera taking Sierra away. Roxy asks "Is it just a figleaf of my imagination, or was that Rex and Gigi?".

2:20PM EST: Kyle and Oliver are horrified that their former friends would abscond with their daughter, but luckily Rex and Gigi have a change of heart and bring Sierra to the police station. Between stutters and pauses, they explain that they suddenly realized how hollow and empty their lives are, and they thought Sierra could add some much needed humanity.

Rex apologizes profusely and tearfully says that his life hasn't been the same since he went in search of his real biological father and discovered that it was ... Marty Feldman. Kyle and Oliver decide not to press charges, and Rex and Gigi decide to leave town ... forever. But first Rex takes his shirt off.

2:25PM EST: Kyle and Oliver celebrate the return of Sierra by making mad, passionate love on the couch.

2:30PM EST: Kyle and Oliver attend Sierra's piano recital, but Kyle notices that something is "different" about Oliver. He's not quite ... himself. As Oliver gulps down another cup of java, Kyle thinks "That's odd. Oliver never has a second cup of coffee at home. Hmmm."

After dropping Sierra off at Godmother Roxy's for the night, Oliver stops the car by the side of the road, and he and Kyle make mad, passionate love on a nearby abandoned couch. After finishing, Oliver looks at Kyle with a strange glint in his eye and says "Let's go again!". As Oliver reaches for the stick shift, Kyle thinks "That's odd. Oliver never wants to go a second time at home."

2:35PM EST: While Oliver is at work, Kyle takes a shower and wearing nothing but a towel, does some snooping and discovers a bottle of "Acme Chest Hair Pills" and How To Bring Out The Inner FUB. The awful truth suddenly dawns on him ... and when "Oliver" comes home, he angrily confronts the impostor "Who are you, and what the hell have you done with Oliver?"

"Oliver" breaks down and admits to being a fake. "Kyle, I just wanted you to love me!" Kyle asks "Jef?," but then suddenly realizes who it is. "OMG ... Nick!"

2:40PM EST: Nick admits to knocking Oliver out and trying to take his place. Kyle angrily demands "Where is he?", but Nick refuses to answer. Kyle is about to go ballistic when someone bursts through the door ... it's Oliver!

Oliver #2 tackles Oliver #1, and they both tumble on the ground punching the FUB out of each other. Finally Kyle says "enough" and breaks the two of them apart.

One of the Olivers says "Kyle, it's me. I'm the real Oliver," immediately followed by the second Oliver saying "No, I'm the real Oliver!" Kyle looks at them both. They look exactly the same, so he proposes a test to see who is the real Oliver.

"What song was playing when we made love on New Year's Eve?" The first Oliver smiles sweetly and says "My Confession." The second Oliver looks surprised and fumbles for words and finally says "Sugar Walls?"

Kyle says "Wrong answer, Nick!"

2:45PM EST: Realizing that he's lost, Nick takes off his Oliver mask and then his shirt. "I'm sorry, guys. I was so jealous of your relationship, I just wanted to be part of it. But I've learned my lesson."

Kyle says "What are you going to do now?" Nick tells them that during his travels these last few months he interned for a doctor in a town called "Oakdale." "I'm going to go back there. The doctore there is a little gruff at times, but I think I got some 'signals' from him. And he's single, so at least I don't have to worry about breaking up another 'power couple'!"

Oliver and Kyle accept his apology, they all put oil on their bare chests and then Nick leaves.

2:50PM EST: Sierra is about to start her first day of High School, and Kyle and Oliver are two beaming parents. Their happiness is short-lived, however, when That B*tch Tea Delgado drops by to see them. "I have some bad news, boys." She takes a deep breath and says "There's reason to believe that there was a mix-up with babies at the the hospital. Sierra may not be yours."

Horrified, the two men tear off all of their clothes and then console each other.

Preview Time: While Kyle and Oliver are reeling over Tea's news, they're even more taken aback when Sierra reveals that her date for the Senior Prom is ... Todd!