IMHO "True Blood" (2.1): Nothing But the Blood

Finally! After months of teases, speculation, and anticipation the second season of HBO's True Blood kicked off last night and answered many of the questions fans have been dying to know, including the one we were most concerned about: What happened to gay fry cook/budding business mogul Lafayette?

Was it his painted toenails we saw attached to the obviously-dead body in the final scene last season? And what of Sam the dog-faced boy and his relationship with "all day, all night" Maryann? And will Vampire Bill's relationship with his red-headed stepchild interfere with Sookie nookie?

Journey below to find out why the premiere gets an arrow up, but be warned! SPOILERS abound!

Last season on True Blood:

"Oh my God, I think Merlotte's just got its first vampire!" "I think you're right." "What are you, blonde girl?" "I can hear people's thoughts." "Don't you try that with me, I'm your clothing-allergic brother!" Bare buns. "May I call on you sometime?" "You have a date with a vampire? What, do you have a death wish?" Bare buns. "AAAH, a dead body, the first of many!" "Bite me!" "A murder in Bon Temp!" "We're too small a town to be losing girls one a-ter a-nudder like tis." Bare buns. "This blood is the lifeforce of a vampire." "Where on earth did you come across "V" in this town?" "Lafayette." "My cousin is stealing vampire blood?" "Who ordered the hamburger with AIDS?" "I might be a redneck if ... I got a right to say who makes my food!" "Eat it, while I kick the crap out of you and your friends!" Bare buns. "You are not like anybody I ever met, crazy goth girl who steals blood from vampires. Let's screw, and do "V" until we starve." "My momma's passed out on the couch." "I gotta demon inside me, I gotta get it out of me." "Eric is a nordic blonde vampire who's sheriff of Area 5. We should exceed to his wishes." "By using my mind-reading power, I can sense that someone's been stealing from you, and it's probably the scuzzy bartender who's about to attack me." "Sookie, I, Bill killed the vampire who was attacking you, which means I'm in deep doo-doo." Bare buns. "I have been called away, Sam, and I want you to watch over Sookie, but as my romantic rival I'll be highly pissed if you try something." "Sam, AAH! You're naked at the foot of my bed, like some kind of shapeshifting dog!" "Bill, you murdered a higher lifeform for the sake of your pet! You owe us a life, and now you must turn this virginal young redhead into a vampire." "That exorcist lady conned you and your mother, Tara!" Bare buns. "I'm a wealthy philanthropist lady who wants to take you in, Tara, but my story will be explored in season two." "Crazy goth girl has been murdered, and because I don't remember, I, Jason, must have done it." "Jason, wanna join our cult?" "Omg, secondary character Rene, you're the real murderer, and now I'll scream and hit you with this rifle, and run out of the house and wait in an open grave for you to kill me!" "Sookie, I'm leaving the safe confines of my house during daylight to save you! Oh damn, why couldn't it be overcast?" "Sam, I killed Rene, so I didn't really need you or Bill to try and save me, but thanks anyway. Oh no, Bill looks like a roasted marshmallow. We have to bury him!" "Maryann, this is my friend Sam." "What the hell are you doing here, wealthy philanthropist lady whose story will be told in season two?" "You silly, silly dog. Did you think I wouldn't find you?" Bare buns. "Why do I, Lafayette, have to throw this trash out? OMG, something's rushing up behind me!" "Bill, you're not dead! Well, I mean, you are dead, but ... you know what I mean!" "Bill, your bratty "daughter" is too much to handle, so we're giving you custody of her." "Let's help drunk Andy find his car! Aaahh! When he opened the door a pair of legs with painted toenails flopped out! Let's scream for seven months!"

 Got that? I'm not sure how season two could improve on that, but with the first episode, it's off to a good start.

The biggest news (and wonderful surprise) in the premiere is that it was not Lafayette's body in the back of the car. It was Miss Jeanette, the phony exorcist lady. Well, most of her, anyway. Someone stole her heart (and not in the romantic way).

So what happened to Lafayette? Well, um, he's sort-of chained up in a dungeon pushing a revolving "Wheel of Pain", ala Conan the Barbarian. Okay, I have to admit, I didn't see that one coming.

We find out that the dungeon is operated by Eric, who's using it to imprison humans who have caused offense to vampires. The redneck who had the run-in with Lafayette (and also killed Bill's vampire friends in a fire-bombing) is thrown down there, but he soon comes to a truly grisly end at the hands and jaws of Eric.

We learn more about the past relationship of Sam and the still enigmatic Maryann (Who I think is going to be the most interesting character this season). When Sam was a mere pup, he broke into Maryann's house, and after she taught him some new tricks, he stole a drawer-full of money from her. He thinks that's why she's come looking for him, but Maryann actually has other ideas.

Bill is still trying to cope with Jessica's brattiness, and Sookie's first meeting with his young charge does not go well. Even with a hot sex scene, the ongoing back and forth between Bill and Sookie (Bookie)? is strangely the least interesting part of the episode (and Sookie comes off especially whiny).

I think Jason's cult storyline will provide the season's comic relief, but I have to express my profound disappoint at not seeing any bare buns this week.

The highlights:

Bill instructing Jessica on what recycle containers are for True Blood bottles, and what are for paper. For some reason, it was hilarious.

Maryann calmly telling Tara's mom what a horrible person she is, and later slapping the hell out of her houseboy.

Jason telling the reverend of the cult "I've been reading your father's book, and it's really making me ... um ... think ... about things."

The reverend's wife has a definite Carrie Prejean vibe to her.

The redneck telling the story of being caught cheating with someone's wife, and thrown out a window. It caused his hip to shatter, and ever since it was replaced with a metal hip, his "ass is magnetic".

He apologizes to Lafayette for his homophobia, and says "if it makes you feel any better, when I was fifteen, at safety patrol camp, I let my bunkmate blow me". The look on Lafayette's face is priceless.

Eric coming down the dungeon steps. Who knew a man with color-treatment foil in his hair could be so menacing?

All in all, I thought it was a great start to season two. I'm ecstatic that Lafayette is still alive (although judging by the previews, he may wish he wasn't), and I can't wait to see what's in store with the Maryann character (I know there are explanations online, but I'm going by only what the show tells me).

What did you think? Was it worth the wait, or did it stumble out of the gate?