Liveblogging "One Life To Live": Oliver Fish, Police Cop!

Oliver Fish, Police Cop. Now that would be must-see-TV! I can picture it now, airing each week on ... well, let's say Showtime (so we can get lots of saucy language and butt shots). It'll follow Oliver as he cracks cases and heads, with the help of kooky sidekick Roxy.

Anyway ... today's OLTL promises to show Oliver in action, with Layla having an illuminating conversation with Nick. Uh-oh ...

Join us for the fun, and refresh often for updates!

2:05PM EST: Oliver enters with Keaton (I think that's his name. He's the strawberry blonde swimmer-type cop who's in cahoots with the corrupt mayor). John tells them that someone has been leaking classified information. Cristian is painting (in a sleeveless shirt, thank you) when Layla jogs by and calls him "asso"! Whoa, that's not cool. Oh wait, I just rewound it it, and it was "picasso".

Staci has apparently drugged Schuyler to have her way with him. He looks at her and she starts shimmering, which means he's either having trouble focusing ... or she's a MAENAD.

Kyle runs into Nick at the gym (is Nick Rodriguez being payed by the glistening sweat drop?), and they make plans for later.

2:10PM EST: John orders Oliver and Blondie to be ready for when "things go down on the docks" that night. Damn, I wish Blair and Dorian were still doing Grey Gardens.

2:15PM EST: Oliver comes back into John's office and tells him that he planted a GPS and a bug on Blondie, so he should be easy to track. Meanwhile, Schuyler passes out as Staci starts to strip him, and we get more awesome nostril-flaring from Rex..

2:25PM EST: Ooh ... Staci continues her slow strip of Schuyler (striped boxers?). Layla enters the gym with a pink mat and plops down ... next to Nick. They strike up a conversation, and soon Nick is spilling his guts about "meeting someone new, but his ex is a piece of work. They were involved in college, but he now insists he's not gay and is dating a woman". Layla's eyes narrow.

Blair is now referring to Tea as That Bitch Tea Delgado, as if that's her full name.

2:40PM EST: Oh dear. Oliver's house of cards is about to collapse. Layla tells Nick "sounds like you're dating a guy with a whole lot of baggage". Okay, I swear to God I thought she said "faggage" (seriously, listen to it again). Nick says "yeah, i met the ex. He warned me to stay away from KYLE LEWIS, MY NEW BOYFRIEND"." Layla is stunned, and even more so when Nicks says "it's hard, because Kyle's ex is a cop". Layla looks ready to pass out, and excuses herself.

Kyle is jogging and runs into Cristian, and they talk about the Oliver and Layla situation. Schuyler is in bed with Staci, and there's a hilarious scene when his still-groggy mind morphs Staci's head into GiGi.

2:45PM EST: Layla seeks out Cristian, and says "you've been telling me for weeks that Oliver has been hiding something. I think I know what it is ... he's gay". Meanwhile, John is berating Oliver for admitting that he may end up hurting Layla, and he wants to know how.

2:50PM EST: My God, even Rex's naked body chews the scenery. Layla asks Cristian if he thinks shes right about Oliver, and he looks away. Oliver and John listen in as Blondie is about to reveal who the big bad guy is ...

Preview Time: The Fish is about to hit the fan, and we'll be back tomorrow for a front-row seat!