Liveblogging "One Life To Live": Swimming upstream

Oliver's parents show up just for the halibut and perch upon their holier-than-thou throne and carp about his personal life. Will Oliver flounder?

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* Yes, I admit it. As soon as I realized I wanted to have a pic of fish as the header, I immediately thought of the "pumpin' and blowin'" scene from The Pirate Movie. I'm just that gay.

2:05PM EST: Oliver is sitting on the couch, as "you know what" dangles down and swings around ...his medal, pervs! and he reads from The Homonomicon. Meanwhile, Cristian is all hummuna-hummuna with Oliver's parents.

Cabana Boy Ross is shirtless again. Everyone is aghast that Dorian is running for Mayor. This should be a hoot. David is desperate for work ... he'll even take *gasp* "daytime extra" work. Ha!

2:10PM EST: So, Kyle's parents "outed him to himself". Ha! Layla is trying to convince Oliver to find a way to come out to his parents, and keeps reminding him "you still have A DAY TIL THEY COME". Oliver says it would be great to come out, but "the thought of actually saying the words ..." and then does the cutest little retching motion.

Oliver's parents are still questioning Cris, who's looking more and more uncomfortable. Barbara says "you must be Cristian ... I could tell from your hot, rippling muscles". Okay, I added the hot and rippling part, but you get the gist. They want to surprise Oliver, and Cristian tries to make a frantic call, but Oliver's parents insist on him showing the way to the apartment.

2:25PM EST: OOH ... I love that little demon Jack. He discovers Ross and Blair arguing, and Blair fumbles to come up with a fake name. The camera pans to a CLOSE-UP of Ross' torso, and Blair says "This is Randy ... Ab...ner". Oh, Blair.

I am so looking forward to a classic Viki/Dorian battle.

Oliver is still apologizing to Layla for that whole "I pretended to love you to cover that I'm gay" thing, when Layla suggests they just forget about it and try to come up with a way for him to come out to his parents. Cue Cristian coming through the front door, followed by mom and pop Fish.

2:30PM EST: Oliver's parents are anxious to meet "the paragon Layla", and completely ignore that black girl standing next to them. Oliver points to her, and says "this is Layla". They turn about two shades lighter, and awkwardly fumble for words. They say "but ... but ... she's BLACK!", and then are sure to cover their asses by saying "the heart wants what it wants". Yeah, I'm not sure quoting Woody Allen about Soon-Yi is such a great thing.

They insist on taking him and Layla out, and start pressing her for info, i.e. "what church do you go to?", when Oliver had had enough and admits that he and Layla have broken up.

2:45 PM EST: Oliver's parents want to know why they've broken up, and George says "is there a reason why you thought you couldn't be straight with us?" Oh, George. Barbara wants to know from Layla why, if Oliver is such a great, swell guy, aren't they together anymore.

Dorian and Vicki are playing tug-of-war with David's employment. Viki seems to be winning, until Dorian mentions his beautiful hands, and how they'll be calloused from stuffing envelopes if he works with Viki. Hmm, I wonder who he'll choose?

2:55PM EST: Oliver's parents are adamant about wanting to know why he and Layla broke up. Oliver starts getting emotional, and Barbara suggests they all sit down. Oliver is about to come out to them, and as he starts to tear up, George says "wait a minute, what am I sitting on?". He reaches under the pillow and pulls out ... The Homonomicon. He and Barbara are aghast, and he lifts it up and says "what is this?" Oliver looks away.

In the final scene, whatsisface is jumped on by a mysterious figure (who is obviously a woman that they want us to think is a man).

Preview Time: Will Oliver come out to his parents? ! We'll be here!